[rosa]

I was using my boyfriend's computer once and became curious about what sites he was going to.. so I casually checked his history and discovered -- while looking at porn websites, he was going on Facebook and looking at photos of girls that we both know!

I was completely shocked. The history was pretty extensive - it tracked his websites over the course of a week - so I couldn't stop myself - I checked all of it. And everytime he looked at porn he would be back on Facebook looking at these girls - the same ones!

Now if these were just girls he had met before.. maybe I wouldn't be so upset -- but one of them he almost dated and really really liked at one point - and her profile was the most visited out of all of them.

I am so upset over this. I keep trying to tell myself I'm overreacting and all guys do this... I have NO problem with my guy looking at porn. But this Facebook thing isn't a bunch of anonymous girls - they are REAL girls that he is/has been in contact with.

Should this be something to worry about? Should it be grounds for me breaking up with him? I don't want to continue a relationship with someone who is secretly fantasizing -- or maybe more?? -- about other girls in his life (that we both know!! eww).

What should I do?? Please help!

[sourpuss]

There are loads of threads in this same vein on the forum. In the dating and relationship section. Browse through them and you'll see you're not alone.

Unfortunately, I've yet to read where the situation becomes resolved, but maybe you'll get the insight you need by reading how others have dealt with it.

[rosa]

how helpful. any insight on how to delete this thread?

[sourpuss]

Simmer down.

OK, you can either tell him how you feel about it....but you'll have to admit that you snooped and you'll have to be ok with it maybe not changing anything.
Or you can remind yourself that he's with you and not them and live with it. Everyone has a different level of what they are willing to put up with. If the relationship is otherwise good and healthy then it may be something you want to let go.

[ocularone]

I agree with sourpuss, there have been many many threads on this topic and it never seems to be resolved only because it's completely relative to each individuals beliefs and points of view. However i will state what seems like the contradiction in your two statements of : "I have NO problem with him looking at porn" and later you say "I don't want to continue a relationship with a guy who is possibly fantasizing about other girls in his life". What i fail to understand is why one would not bother you one bit while the other would. Just because he doesn't meet the girl from the porno in a coffee shop doesnt mean he isn't fantasizing about her. If you thought he would never CHEAT on you..i don't see why it would bother you that he is looking at girls he knows while you say it doesnt bother you that he checks girls in porn out. Please understand, i am not advocating for him to look at those girls on facebook. I am actually more presenting you with the idea that maybe porn in general isn't as acceptable to you as you say or feel? You checked his internet history..why? If porn means nothing to you and you are fine with him doing it, why the curiosity in what he has been viewing? I think there are so many woman (i'm not claiming you are one of them) who SAY they aren't hurt or uncomfortable with their man looking at porn, when in reality it really does bother them. They have just heard it somewhere, or been told over and over again, that it's acceptable for guys to view porn while still in a committed relationship. I am a guy, and i personally completely disagree with that idea. Just food for thought i guess...Are you positive you really are ok with him viewing porn while he is dating you? It really is ok to NOT be ok with that. I just want you to understand that

[rosa]

These are great points. Thank you so much for responding. I HAVE been reading responses from other threads on this topic in these forums. But the conversation usually leads to people talking about porn in general, and not the fact that it has gotten to a personal level. I can see that some people may not differentiate between pictures of a random girl and of someone your boyfriend is in contact with, but for some reason I do.. maybe because a fantasy is something that does not and will never exist, and using someone who actually exists in it makes it more real?

What makes me insecure is not the fact that he looks at random people (e.g. porn) or has preferences for types of people (e.g. blondes), but that he has a preference for THIS particular person. Porn is a series of visual aids to get something out of the way, it's disposable and meaningless to me. But pictures of fully clothed hipster girls looking bored that he's met a few times... I mean, WHAT is going through his mind when he's looking at that??

If he wants to be with this particular person, but feels they are unattainable and are just with me because it's easier... well, I'd rather just break up! I'd rather him be happy and be able to pursue this person if this is what he wants, rather than wasting his time with me.

I have been trying to reason it out in my head and think, maybe it means absolutely nothing and it as equal as looking at anything else. But this reasoning gets conflicted with thoughts of:
1. There was something there between them 3 years ago. So exactly how long has this been going on and how long will this continue to go on? And if he continues to use the pictures and think about this person, isn't a relationship forming on it's own, though maybe not intentionally?
2. I checked his history one other time six months ago, found the same quantity of her profile amid other porn, discussed it with him, and he told me he would stop. I told him that he didn't have to stop, but that I have standards and this was a little too creepy for me, and I found it to be disrespectful for both her and for me. So naturally he decided not to lose our relationship over something he views as so little and, apparently, so easy to cover up and lie about. It just makes it seem like it's more than a habit and that it is necessary for him to think about this person. And I do feel bad for making him choose between our relationship and this... but that's also why I'm writing, because I don't know how seriously to take this the second time around!
3. It concerns me that if he has been doing this for 3 or more years (we have been dating for 2) that he is essentially watching these girls grow up (most of them are under 18.. he's 22).

I mean, come on. That's just too weird.

I'm posting because I wanted advice from someone who has been through this, or a guy's perspective. I just can't seem to reconcile this in my head.

[sourpuss]

If you don't trust him and his behavior is creeping you out, then it's time to reevaluate whether or not this is the guy for you. You've asked him to stop, he said he would and didn't, that should tell you something right there.

[ocularone]

rosa i do understand your situation and your feelings on this. I wasn't implying that i don't see any difference at all in random porn and (mostly underaged) girls from your personal life. Even though i do believe both are just as unhealthy and shouldn't be viewed while in a committed relationship, i do still see the difference. It would upset me to find out my girlfriend was watching random hot guys in porn..but it would absolutely devastate me to find out she was using pictures of other guys she/we both know and had in our lives. Honestly, i don't know your boyfriend personally so it's hard to make an accurate assumption as to why this behavior exists. Although, i can say from my perspective and i'm sure a lot of other people's opinions would be that it is DEFINITELY cause for concern. You ask "what is going on in his head when they are fully dressed:". I can tell you from my own experience from a man is that sometimes we aren't turned on by just the nudity of the female body, but sometimes it's the lack thereof that is the turn on. Think of it this way- My girlfriend is absolutely smoking hot and her body naked is a HUGEEEE turn on to me...HOWEVER..when i see her step out from her room with some cute little sundress..i tend to go nuts :-) Because even though yes i love her naked body..i also get extremely turned on at the idea of what is hidden from me. However, i am also talking about my girlfriend whom i love, and who is OVER 18 years old.... I was simply explaining that to help you understand what possibly could be happening, if indeed he is using those clothed pictures for sexual arousal. Either way i get the impression that he is a creeper and sourpuss has a great point. You asked him to stop, you shared with him your feelings about it. How it made you creeped out and hurt...yet he continued to do it..still hiding it. huge red flags right there

[CHANDLERS WISH]

how helpful. any insight on how to delete this thread?

I HAVE been reading responses from other threads on this topic in these forums.But the conversation usually leads to people talking about porn in general, and not the fact that it has gotten to a personal level.

Glad then that Soupuss pointed you in the right direction noting you are a new member.

See below,

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/dating/18544-facebook.html

"photos on a phone is that cheating"
"GF has explicit photos on her cell phone of another man"

Threads you can search.... which aren't porn related.

Seems that he was doing this before you even entered the scence. It's not something he commenced, during your relationship, therefore, it is not due to something amiss in your relationship. It's maybe an obsession, he over all loves girls, is habitual and possibly obsessive.

Ask yourself, if he is obsessive over other things?
Ask yourself, if he has other habits? That are over the top

It could be his personality.

And, snooping will always give you 1 million questions because you will always judge... Yet, asking him why? Will give you an answer, one you will understand and accept, or one that you will not accept, whilst also being honest which off course will lead to being asked "why were you snooping, invading my territory?" However, you have to take the good with the bad.

And, if you want the answer, there is only one person that is going to be able to give it to you...

The other thing that stands out in my mind, is you've been with him for 2 years, and obviously he has a facebook account that does not say "in a relationship", that does not "have" pictures of you in it...

Is that someone you can call a boyfriend? I would in addition ask him why he has a "single account" when he is otherwise, not single. That would be enough for me to bolt, irrespective of the women he has be-friended or talks to or looks at.

[stressed]

1) Tell him that you went through his history and why.

2) Tell him about what you found.

3) Tell him about what bothered you with what you found and why.

It seems to me that he probably masturbated to porn while trying to picture this girl in the porn (but then again, I could be overreacting, it's just my first thought on the subject by the way you described it). Are you able to handle such a possibility? Do you think he is able of deleting this girl from his life, totally? Is he obsessed about a girl he wanted but never had? Do you think he's worthy of your time and effort to make him forget about this girl? Is he being honest with you? Only you and he can answer those questions.

If you feel uncomfortable in this relationship you have to make the decision of either fighting to help him stop wanting to masturbate to girls he knows, or let him be and find someone else.