[samanthatallon]

well the facebook thing your clearly not comfortable with hon, and i would say, talk to him have it out and deal with it. Dodging the subjest will make it brood, and make you wonder. It really depends what you can put up with. In your own mind, how do you feel? its very real for sure, and i am sure that hurts, but they may only be friends, even if he did have feelings for her, and it deprends, what kind of exchange is going on between the two. But honesty and discussing it are going to be the only way to solving it, because at some stage you may be caught snooping, an an unsuspecting partner can be very hurt and annoyed at being checked on. So telling him what you have done and why is what i would try, but once again, its down to you, what your happy with. Best of luck. x

[Joey]

I keep trying to tell myself I'm overreacting and all guys do this

I have come to the conclusion that i have had complete and utter enough of using and hearing the 'all guys do it' excuse that we use to defend and 'justify' our blokes actions. Guys DO NOT need to do these kind of things. Its the 'oh well...my boyfriend sleeps around with hookers....materbates to porn all day....has in-pregnated 30 women this week....but pfffft, all guys do it!' excuse that probably actually encourages this behaviour.

[PandaPaws]

I have come to the conclusion that i have had complete and utter enough of using and hearing the 'all guys do it' excuse that we use to defend and 'justify' our blokes actions. Guys DO NOT need to do these kind of things. Its the 'oh well...my boyfriend sleeps around with hookers....materbates to porn all day....has in-pregnated 30 women this week....but pfffft, all guys do it!' excuse that probably actually encourages this behaviour.

Exactly!!

[Ashlee T.]

Amen to that Joey. Yes, WE were born with animal instincts (both males and females). But we were also born with a large brain that has the capacity to reason and practice self control. Too often, we excuse behavior exhibiting no self control with animal instincts, "all men do it". Ok, well women have the natural instinct to bear children, to mother, to nurture (not ALL of them of course), but it's not excuseable to go around stealin babies now is it?

I would have serious issues if I found out my guy was secretely viewing and to some extent, obsessing over these pics of this other girl, whom he has had interest in before. And if I found it, then talked to him about it, then later found the same thing.....I'd be hotter than a hooker in church. I've sort of been there and done that....and I can tell you that for me, getting out of the relationship was the best thing I did for myself. Who wants to be with someone when they're constantly feeling like they're not enough? Or what if you're having dinner, and this girl happens to be at the table next to you....you're going to feel insecure, uncomfortable, unhappy, jealous, etc. Being with him wasn't worth my self esteem and happiness....and after a while I realized that.

You owe him nothing. You've been honest and confronted him about it in the past, he promised he'd stop, he didn't. Now it's your choice, accept it and risk your dignity, or move on.

IN my humble opinion. ha

[Joey]

Amen to that Joey. Yes, WE were born with animal instincts (both males and females). But we were also born with a large brain that has the capacity to reason and practice self control. Too often, we excuse behavior exhibiting no self control with animal instincts, "all men do it". Ok, well women have the natural instinct to bear children, to mother, to nurture (not ALL of them of course), but it's not excuseable to go around stealin babies now is it?

HA! I agree!

[Hayleen]

Seems to me you need to figure out whether this is a deal breaker or not? Make your list of boundaries and if crossed what the consequences are. Example: Viewing girls he or you may know personally for pleasure, private fantasy or sexual gratification is not acceptable to you. Consequences: First offense - talk about and ask not to do it because it hurts and makes you feel less valued. 2nd offense - Discussion again (since we rarely have the boundaries set at the first offense or know what we are willing to do if it happens to be crossed again). Explain what is offensive and/or that lying to you about it either directly or inadvertently (by admission or omission) is the same offense. Then ask him to refrain from this activity and please respect you and your feelings about it. Examples such as: I will no longer feel safe trusting you will not harm me emotionally and/or I will feel I am only 2nd best to you, etc. Then you must add what your willing to do about it if you feel, know or suspect the behavior again. Examples such as: I must leave this relationship (for good or a temp separation - which ever you feel you could ACTUALLY do, and not just threaten), or I will need to monitor your computer activity for such and such amount of time period and will need your passwords, etc, and I will watch you delete everything I find offensive, and/or you will let me put a spy tracking program on your computer that only I have access to. (note: it is illegal to put a spy program on someones computer without their consent).
Now, I know this sounds extreme, but you have to figure out if this is a deal breaker or not, whether you choose any of the options I've mentioned or use your own. If it's something you want to just whine about then just say you need to vent, but if not then set some boundaries ... for yourself and the relationship. We can only make our selves happy and if we don't set our boundaries we never know if we are happy or not.
I read A LOT of relationship books. Two good one's are "Deal Breakers", by Bethany Marshall and "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", by Mira Kirshenbaum (a relationship counselor), both can usually be found at your local library.
I am notorious for being ambivalent and staying in relationships to long that are not good for me. I have found that if there is something I feel the need to write about or get opinions from others on then it is serious enough to not just let it go and see if I can get used to it or that it's not just in my head (as so many men have tried to tell me), it is a boundary I didn't realize I had that had been crossed. No ones perfect, yet we should NEVER do anything we KNOW is hurting our signif other - period.
I read on another post (I believe by "ocularone", awesome poster by the way), the best question to ask yourself and your partner, not whether the activity is right or wrong, but whether it is "wise" to do it. I feel that applies to what you say to each other too.
My 2¢

[rosa]

Thank You

You are all so wonderful for responding and really giving me peace of mind. I apologize for starting this thread off a bit rocky - I was very upset and needed advice desperately. You have all been so kind and rational and really provided great viewpoints to this issue. It's true - women need to set boundaries and stick to them. And I believe technology has really blurred those lines to where our morals, values, standards and beliefs become muddled. It's hard to keep our heads afloat when we're being bombarded by images everywhere we go, men and women alike.

In the end, I have decided that since I did voice my feelings over this, and I clearly expressed to him the first time that I did not want something as disrespectful as that anywhere in my life, and he chose to ignore this, that no matter what it is, if you are in a committed relationship and you really care about the person, you will find a compromise. Our compromise was that this very specific behavior would stop, (especially because one of those girls he was looking at was my underage SISTER) and he agreed with it. He didn't have to agree. We could have ended our relationship right there. But he said he understood, AND he said if I was doing that behavior, he would be so angry he wouldn't talk to me anymore (double standards.. sigh). But he still wanted everything his way, and now... well, he has it his way.

I broke up with him, and hopefully sometime in the future we can be friends.

Thank you all for helping me come to this decision. It's such a nice feeling that people out there really do care.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Good for your Rosa, that's kind of creepy that he was looking at your "underage" sister, that would be enough for me to say bye bye...

I think you have your head screwed on the right way, compromise is exactly a key component to a relationship, no one is perfect but if a person refuses and expects, then you can imagine what sort of life you will have with them.

You deserve more, you know that, and you were able to close the door because of that.

Never change those moralistic values you have...

And, yes, we do care This is the only Forum I have ever come across whereby, people are there for each other, in support.

Hope you hang around...

CW