[want to understand]

My sad story, sorry it is so long

The background

Married 23 years, 4 children 21, 20, 13 and 10. Wife had an affaur 16 years ago.

Tell me if I am being an idiot or not.

after the affair, I desided to move out. We lived apart for about 2 month, then due to a car issues I moved back in...there never was a realization of regret or sorrow from her. We went to a marraige conslor but stopped after three session because he was telling her it was all her fault. I stayed with her because I hoped that by taking care of normal things (bills, chores kids etc tec) she would realize what she had. But it felt like she only stayed because he was in CA and us in NE and she thought I would get the kids. We got to the point where she agreed not to talk to him anymore.

AHe traveks for work 2-3 three times a year nad I real have no way to know iwhich conferences he is at, but I know they are at the same confernces occasionally. Over the years I have found pictures and cards from him and last month after finding another picture with her head on his shoulder from 4 years ago the lastest arguement started. I told her I was fed up with the lies regaring him and that I wanted a divorce unless all ties were severed forever. She claims she loves me and they are only freinds and agreed to send the email and copy me on it.

Now if you do want to save your marraige how long should it take you to write sucj an email? immediately? a day? a week? Also she said she had one email from him and she deleted it when she sent the requested email. However when I told her I wanted to check her email, I found not only one but 20 or so. They have been deleted, but with the PC and ease of creating an email account I will never be able tocheck up on her to see if they are still communicating.

She has never given him up for me. Our marraige has been one of going through the motions for the kids. I tried to set up dates for us, she wither hated them when she went or just blew them off. She has never seemed happy always tense amd on edge with me and the kids. I do not know what to do I still lov her, but I am tired of dealing with the affair issue. Everyt few years when I find an card, pic, or email it is like I have to go through it all agian and again. Part of me wants to get a divorce and just end it all and find someone who wants me, but I am afraid of what that will do to my kids. She says she wants to work on it, but that is what she has said before. It feels like she is just telling something to shut me up until I find the next email or whatever

Am I a glutten for punishment or is my sticking it out the right thing? If you think I should keep working on it any suggestion on how I can believe she is sinsere?

Thanks in advance for an advice, Sorry so long and possible mis spekked words but I am also legally blind.

Terry

[rcoreyus]

It looks like she hasn't given up on him. Neither of you sounds happy in your relationship. I know its difficult with kids, but maybe it is better to end it.

[jns]

I agree with rc. The kids will be better without all of the lies. Maybe you can sue him for alienation of affection. Keep legal matters quiet until you subpoena him at one of the conferences. Maybe hiring a private investigator would get the right evidence for divorce.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You've obviously been married for a very long time. But, this has been going on for almost the entire life of your oldest children and from what you are suggesting, possibly still is.

Both parties have to want to change things. Seems to me that she doesn't and possibly has feelings for this person and he's possibly married as well.

Your youngest are old enough to understand Divorce and they have seen I am sure, years and years of "non loving" between their parents.

You are allowed to find love in your life. I'd just tell her that your living with her, she has another life outside the marriage and you intend to free yourself as well, to find someone to be in your life...

I don't see a sense in constantly feeling hurt, down and trying when the other person doesn't come to the party ever...

CW

[want to understand]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I know in my head that is the right path to take, but my heart just doesn't want to give up yet, I love her, but I don't either....this sucks

[sourpuss]

Your children are grown and I think would completely understand if you got divorced. No matter how much you may have tried to keep this information from them, believe me, they know something isn't right and they want both parents to be happy.

I have a lot of friends whose parents are split up and they all say the same thing, that when they were kids, it was sad and it was hard, but now as adults with hindsight, they are glad that they split and moved on to happier lives.
My parents are still together, yet should have gotten a divorce years and years ago. Sometimes staying together isn't always the best for everyone involved.