[BeHappy2010]

I have just started seeing this guy, John, and I really like him, but he still sees his ex fiance's children, and they call him 'Dad'. He picks them up from school every Wednesday, he sometimes sees them 2-3 times per week and he still has a bedroom for them (they use to live with him, when he was with his ex finance) for when they come and stay with him. I am unsure if they know that John isn't their biological father, but they have never met their biological father either! John first met his ex when the children were 2 and 3 years old, they are now 9 and 10.
John has since found out that they are moving away to Sydney, into the area where their biological father actually lives - but he is also unsure of whether they are going to meet their father or not...

I may sound totally selfish and unreasonable, but I am really jealous of these kids... and I know that us having children is a long way off, but I know that we both want the same things, and I need to know what is going to happen if we do have a family of our own, where he wants these children to fit into the equation? I also feel as though that as long as he keeps seeing these kids, he still has an attachment to his ex.

Is this weird? Should I ask him more questions about it? What do I do and how do I approach it? Please help!

[Joey]

I actually commend your boyfriend for what he is doing with these kids. like you say, hes not there biological father, so a handful of guys who finish in a relationship would more then likely do a runner and leave the baggage behind to start a fresh so to speak. I think you are very lucky that you have landed yourself a guy like this who still cares for these children even though he is not their father.

As long as he is still a part of these childrens lives, he is going to be a part of his ex's. but that doesnt mean that he loves her anymore or wants to be with her. the relationship ended. he moved on, so the only real emotional tie he has is the children. and that is all. and im guesing that when they do all move to sydney, he isnt really going to see much of his ex and the children anyway.

Have you actually spoken to him about having a family of your own?

[p3375]

Have to echo what Joey said here.

I know it's hard for you, and the connection w/ the ex can complicate things. But please look at this from the children's point of view. They've been around him for about 2/3's of their lives & basically grown up thinking of him as 'daddy'. Biology doesn't matter much, I think. His actions in this situation do speak very highly of your guy.

Hope you can find it in your heart to share with the kiddies. You don't have to like or trust the ex - tho it's nice if everyone is civil.
Pat

[Hopeless Dork]

Sounds like you have yourself one fine man there... with a heart of gold and a sense of family, integrity, humanity and responsibility that will be the source of so much happiness in your future with him.

Those kids are bonded to him... and they are still young. Likely as they grow up a bit more and hit their teens they will begin to distance themself and see him more as a loving uncle or family friend than a dad. But right now, he's all they know.

I wouldn't at all worry about how your kids, if /when you decide to have them, would fit in with these children, as kids can learn to accept and LOVE the family they are born into and all its extra unique parts....and as long as the truth is always there, they will never be surprised or hurt.

If he makes you feel special, loved, important... and you know he's over his ex.. I wouldn't worry about any of this too much as I am sure as she moves on with her life... he'll see less and less of those kids whether he likes it or not... but hopefully they can maintain some sort of family friend type contact since they are so bonded and close.

[WildChild]

Umm, excuse me, but you've just started seeing this man, what's all this talk about having a family and your future children together? Lets try a few years to get past the infatuation phase and get to know each other? By then this other concern will likely have resolved on its own.

[sourpuss]

Agree WC!!! Besides the fact that you just started dating, you really have no place to be jealous of two little children. What did they do? He's doing the right thing, be happy that you have a good man and don't ruin the relationship with unnecessary drama so early. Let him live his life, you live yours, grow together, see where it goes and it will all work out if the adults in the situation act like adults.
When you date someone with kids, you have to take the relationship ten times slower than you normally would. If you just started dating, it's too soon to talk about futures and kids anyway, now add two kids in to the equation and that discussion is a long way off.
Just relax and enjoy the moment.

[LanaBear]

I agree with everything everyone else has said. It takes quite a man to take on another guys kids. He's been involved with them for 7-8 years, he loves them and has seen them grow. Being jealous of two kids, that have a father figure in their life is wrong. If it bothers you that much, if you are jealous of two innocent children, go find another man. You can't expect this guy to leave these kids lives, even if he isn't their biological father. He's more of a father than these kids have ever had. You should be happy that he is that involved with them and didn't just leave them high and dry when his fiance and he called it quits. Not too mention the fact that you haven't been with this guy for long.

[BeHappy2010]

Ummm I never said I wanted to get married and have kids to him tomorrow... I have to consider all angles before I get too involved, thank you to all those that were willing to criticise me so quickly! I've never been in a situation like this before - and don't really know how to approach it... thats all I was saying. I'm not criticising him for staying in the children's lives - I realise he is a good man. And yes I know it's wrong for me to feel jealousy - and that this is my issue not theirs. I just wanted some advice on how to deal with it, thats all.

But for those who want to help me, and not criticise, I have decided just to go with the flow.

Thanks to those who helped!

[Joey]

No body is criticsing you hun. From when you posted saying that 'I need to know what is going to happen if we do have a family of our own' and also saying that you have just starting seeing this guy, can you really blame us for wondering how quickly your jumping into this? You really dont need to start considering 'all angles' at the moment - especially starting a family if you've only just started seeing each other.

You asked for help, and we gave it too you. It almost appears that you had your answer to your question anyway - and anyone who has given you advise that diverts from what you 'expected' us too say is criticsing you.

I dont mean to sound harsh - but i just feel that everything that everybody has said in this post is incredibly valid and helpful to your situation.

If you have decided to let it go with the flow, I do wish you lots of luck and hope everything turns out for the best.

[BabyGirl]

I am wondering if it's the fact that he still has contact with his Ex that is whats really the issue ? Would you be jealous if they were his biological kids ?
Not all break up's end with the parties hating each other. and some still remain friends. The fact that he see's these kids, loves them as his own is so very admirable and sad to say very rare.

Any man or woman that can be devoted to someone else's kids, think of their best interest, support and love them, even after a relationship breaks up....Is a Parental Hero .

Put yourself in anothers shoes for a minute.

Lets say you had a child or children when you met him.. Wouldn't you want him to love your kids, be a father figure to them ? And if you two had a child together, wouldn't you want him to love his and yours equally ? Would you rather have him favor the Child you and he brought into this world over the ones You and Another man did ? And lets say all of this happened ( Considering all angles) if you broke up and he had been a " Dad" to your kids for years, would you want him to just Abandon them and only be involved in his and your childs life ?

Consider also, if the ex was hurt or sick and he wanted to take care of those kids as the "Dad " would you still be jealous ? Or would you welcome them into your life as they are children that need love and stability ? They are in his heart His Kids.. Accept that and either Join him in his love and support of those kids or chance losing a very rare and Special man that looks like he will be there for those he loves, whether of his seed or not.