[Snuz]

Hi.. I've been lurking on the forums for a while but haven't really posted anything about myself.. I'm hoping to get some good advice for my situation.. (sorry this will be long!!)

First a little history:
I moved to Norway when I was 13, due to parents divorcing. (originally from CA, but our family is Norwegian). I didn't have any problems with the divorce itself, but moving so far from my father was really tough, and I missed not seeing him everyday (still do), as we are very close.

Anyway, I had a REAL hard time adjusting. I'm the type that does not make friends easily, and being in a new place, new language etc did not make things easier. But I was befriended by a guy in my class. We hit it off easily as we both had the same interests etc. And the relationship blossomed into a romance.. (This developed very slowly). It wasn't until over a year after we met that we had our first kiss and became "officially" bf/gf. I was ecctatic over the whole relationship and happy as can be.
We did not have sex until 3 years later, when I was 18. (It was a hard wait for him, but I always had the fantasy of being married first. Though I realized it wasn't very realistic. And I felt ready at that point anyway).. So I love that he waited so long for me.


So now.. fast forward 5 more years!! I am 21 (hes 22). We have currently been together 8 years. And throughout all this time he has been my only real social connection and contact here. (Which I know is not very healthy) (My personal theory is that he filled this "void" from "loosing" my father)... Needless to say, this has made me EXTREMELY attached and reliant on him.
Before you worry too much, I DO have some regular friends these days. But I pretty much grew up in my teens with no one but him.

But now that I've matured more and trying to fiygure out what I really want with my life (and what I really want in a man) the more I cannot see how anything will work if we stay together.

To clarify the problems a little bit:

1. He has no education, no job, no ambition. This speaks for itself.. He pretty much finished the "elementary school", which is 10th grade here, but not high school. Which is required to take any higher education. Not to mention get any kind of decent job. To be fair, he has a very serious sleeping disorder, which renders his sleeping patterns very difficult (i,e sometimes he will sleep for 14-16+ hours, he has very low energy, gets dizzy, his "daylight rhythm" is changing constantly, as if his internal clock is 25hours instead of 24, so that the day is always "shifting" for him). But even if he did not have this problem, I don't think he would make much effort to find a job or go back to school anyway.. He's the type that's COMPLETELY against "society" and being the "norm" etc etc. He talks about wanting to buy a farm and growing his own food and never needing to think about money.. But in the mean time he just sits back, in his room all day long on the computer playing or doing nothing, and gets his support from the government and is happy with that.. And he gets what little money his parents can give him (they work hard, they are by no means a wealthy family.). And to be honest I find it hard to respect his lack of consideration and "i deserve it" attitude.

I don't know if this is an age thing, and he just needs to mature a little. Or if It will always be like this.. And can I afford to wait around to see if he will go anywhere or just waste his life?

2. He has a very strong, extremely opinionated personality. he's "ALWAYS RIGHT" no matter what.. Like, there is no arguing with him cause he sincerely believes he's the smartest there is and everything that comes out of his mouth is pure logic. This a very tiresome personality to deal with, and he even admits it himself. But in the end we usually do manage to make it through fights and disagreements anyway. But the WAY the arguments go about is what bothers me.

3. For the last 4-5 years we have had to live long distance from each other (2-3 hours by train). So I guess you could call it a long distance relationship. We only see each other maybe once or twice a month for a couple days at a time. But we talk online and on the phone every day and before going to bed, etc. I don't have a big issue with this (it's nice to have time apart too). But ofc it's not ideal, not to mention very expensive to travel here. And the opportunity came up for us to move in together but he did not want to because of a no-smoking policy in the building.. (his "freedom" is important to him). Lately, I don't even look forward to visiting him..

Other than this.. he really is a great guy. Always treated my kindly. He is a wonderful, GIVING lover. Makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and he is so whole-heartedly devoted to me.

But more and more I keep wondering if I'm just staying with him because I'm so attached to him cause of the huge part he's played in my life for so long. I often find myself questioning if I really love him as a person, or just love being in a relationship and feeling so "secure" with it.

I don't have a clue what other guys are like, and I'm terrified to find out (I wouldn't even begin to know how to tackle a guy having been with another girl for example.. I know its in the past, but these kind of sentiments are important to me..)
I just want the things everyone does.. I want to travel, get married, be financially secure.. I can't see any of this ever happening with him.. But am I just expecting too much?
My biggest fear is if I leave him.. Sure I can find a nice guy with a decent job, but will I ever have that same connection? That special loving relationship? I have no idea.

Basically I'm worried that, if I stay with this guy, will I look back 10-20 years from now and feel like I've wasted my youth?
Or If I leave him now, will I look back in 10-20 years and regret leaving him, after not finding the connection with someone else?

I'm starting college after the summer and I really wish I had some clear feeling of what I should do..
I'm really lost!!

Any pearls of wisdom will be deeply appreciated.

I apologize for the long post!! Thank you so much for reading it..

[jns]

I think you are right to worry. You want more out of life and he wants an entitlement. You are ambitious and he lacks ambition. I'm sure you can have more out of life and can find someone that you don't have to sacrafice so much to be with.

Are you planning on living in Norway or do you have dreams of moving back to CA? By the way is that CA in Canada or CA in California? What is your citizenship?

[Snuz]

I would not call myself ambitious to be honest.. I don't have any career aspirations, etc. All I want is a relationship that I'm happy with..

By CA I meant California, sorry. And I have been wanting to move back for a long time, yes. But now that I'll be starting school here, it won't be anytime soon, and It's really not the most important thing to me either. But I travel there regularly to visit my dad, and wish I could bring my bf and have more normal family interactions (I always have to travel alone/with my brother).

I'm just torn because Ive invested SO much feelings and time and effort into this relationship..

[Olympia]

I believe you may have already answered your own question.
You are able to see your male friends behaviors and ideals, and you 'seem' to find conflict. Either something you do
not care for, or pipe-dream of his.
You ask yourself,

My biggest fear is if I leave him.. Sure I can find a nice guy with a decent job, but will I ever have that same connection? That special loving relationship? I have no idea.

Basically I'm worried that, if I stay with this guy, will I look back 10-20 years from now and feel like I've wasted my youth?
Or If I leave him now, will I look back in 10-20 years and regret leaving him, after not finding the connection with someone else?

I believe a relationship needs growth, if you find none within this, it is time to move on.
You seek what we all seek. There are no guarantees.

[rcoreyus]

Your first love isn't always (or even often) the right one. If over time you have decided that he isn't right for you (and it sounds like you have), you aren't doing either of you a favor by staying together longer. The break up will hurt, but far less than a lifetime with someone who isn't right.

There are lots of people of all sorts out there - some worse, some better, all different. Your expectations are completely reasonable - go out and meet lots of people, make friends - date. You will find someone who is right for you.

A happy loving relationship with financial stability, fun, travel, excitement - this is a perfectly reasonable thing to expect from a relationship - assuming you are willing to do your part as well.

Don't Settle.

[Ashlee T.]

If you think you're settling, you are. Sometimes there doesn't necessarily have to be anything "wrong" with either one of you, sometimes people just grow and realize they're not what each other truly needs.

If you have dreams and aspirations of what you want to do in life, you need not ignore them simply because you fear being alone. There are worse things than spending some time alone....trust me.

It doesn't sound like things are where they need to be at this point in your relationship. Instead of growing more in love, you're growing more apart, you're learning more and more that the things he values in life are not the things you value. I respect people who want to live freely and who don't place their life emphasis on a career and money. HOWEVER, I disrespect people entirely who proclaim those beliefs, yet let the government (i.e. those of us working folks) take care of them every month while they sit back, take our money and badmouth the very society that's providing them an income for nothing in return. A sense of 'entitlement' is never a good thing in my opinion and isn't likely to change.

I thnk you'll find out that being alone isn't so bad.....and being alone is better than settling and spending your life unhappy with someone just so you don't have to be alone.

[Snuz]

Thank you for the input you guys have given..
.. I'm going to visit him tomorrow (we haven't seen each other in well over a month now).. I'm really not sure what to do.. I try to tell myself that I'll just "see how things go, see how I feel, etc" But I'm so worried that i'll just become passive and not have the courage to break up with him, or decide that I love him too much in the moment, etc.. Can I even properly assess this relationship when we aren't living together or seeing each other on a normal basis?.. But then, what other choice do I have? :/
Just so confused.. I really feel like there's no "distinct" direction to go in..

[jns]

Moving on is difficult. If it is your decision, then you will have to journey that path. If not, then you will have to live with the situation as it stands. You moving on could be the catalyst for your SO to get direction and drive in his life.

[Mes T]

It seems like if you stay with this guy, you'll remain the weak passive girl forever. But I think that you have so much potential for a more fulfilling life... you are SO young still...

I've been in a similar spot before (though for only 3 years, not 8).

[Snuz]

Hey.. I was wondering if an admin could delete this thread for me... Need to make an account with a different user name I think.