[yorkshirelass]

i have been with my boyfriend for 10 months and we have had some problems.

he cheated on me in january this year and i forgave him and stayed with him, i have had issues over this but i am overcomming them. we argue and bicker alot ( a couple of time about the cheating but gernerally the arguments are nothing to do with this) but he allways make up after. we had a major fall out last may bank holiday and he said that he didnt want anything else to do with me but once he had calmed down he talked and got back togeather.

every thing has been going ok however a couple of weeks ago i stated having anxiety attacks which as been brought on for a number of reasons mainly work, so i have not been myself he has been very worried but we have argued a bit recently he is also under a lot of stress from his work especially this weekend, we argued friday night and fell out but sorted it the next day and then last night we had been out drinking and we had a reli big argument and he is now saying he doesnt want anything to do with me agen and that he is fd up of the argueing, i tried to say i am sorry and that things will be better wen we have both dealt with our stresses however he doesnt want to work it out. he normally treats me well and we are good togeather.

i dont know what to do anyone got any advice on what i should do???

thanks

[Hopeless Dork]

It doesn't sound like he wants to work it out and you can't have this relationship if you are the only one that really wants it I'm sorry. I mean you can tell him you promise not to argue anymore -- but if something bothers you, are you really going to bite your tongue? You can try... but it sounds like you guys just don't get a long. 10 months is HONEYmoon phase of a relationship... if you guys are already bickering on each others nerves... just imagine 2 years from now.

The cheating probably has more to do with this than you think. 1. Its a clear sign of his respect for you and his relationship with you, and that respect is lacking. So I can see it spreading its way into every day things. Cheaters are generally very egoistic and selfish and even if he's not doing it anymore -- him cheating that once is a symptom of a bigger problem, a huge character flaw.

You guys don't have kids, it sounds like you don't live together and it sounds like your happiness is short-lived and momentary and the rest of the time you guys are fairly miserable.

I've got to ask why you want to save this, he's cheated, you guys argue all the time, and now... he doesn't want to put for the effort to work it out. It sounds like he just isn't very committed to being with you, and if he isn't... sure, you can probably 'get him back'... but it sounds like this vicious cycle will just keep on repeating.

Why don't you have this break... and try to work on making yourself feel good, getting some relaxation and trying to calm your anxieties... have some fun with some girlfriends, take on a new hobby or fitness program, busy yourself, improve yourself... and live for yourself for a while and see if you are not happier than being with someone that spends a great deal of time making you sad.

[yorkshirelass]

hi

thank you this is reli good advice. i think i know deep down that all you have said is right, its just so hard to come to terms with it. when we are togeather he does put the effort in and his mum has also said he has never loved anyone like he loves me. he can be very stuborn though. I need to be stronger i think but with my anxiety attacks at the moment i am finding it hard to stay strong and positive. we was kind ov living toeather he has his own place and i stayed there all the time although not offically living there as such. i have moved all my things out today and back to my parents.

i have been very low for the last few weeks and was just starting to get back on track this has just knocked me rite back to aquare one, i feel like i dont know what to do with my self. i have good support from my friends and family but i know if he talked it out and got back togeather i would feel a whole lot happier.

thanks again for you comment it has been very helpful

[Hopeless Dork]

I think that getting back together is what would feel best, for the immediate time anyway... nothing heals the hurt of a break up faster than making up :P A lot of times couples that aren't suited to each other will get back together after break ups time and time again because of the co-dependency, neither wanting to feel hurt , even short term. So they get up on that horse again, put a bandaid on the wound... that eventually doesn't stay on... washes off and then the cycle repeats.

When you know its just not going to work... sometimes you have to take that kick to the gut, feel the pain of it, strongly, temporarily... and let it heal. Its much better that than the perpetual damage that comes from unhealthy unhappy relationship.

But boy oh boy do I understand what heartache feels like , and sometimes you'd do just about anything to ease that pain... including getting back to something you know isn't right for you. It will take strength... to stay away. Its likely when he has a lonely moment, wants sex, or is just missing the friendship you guys had that he will call and want to hang out and then the ball will be in your court to decide to stay strong or give in.

It sounds like right now if he were to call and say come back, you'd be here in 10 minutes. And I understand that. I do. But realize this is something he will take for granted, that he can cheat, that he can tell you he doesnt even want to be with you and then if he ever changes his mind all he has to do is snap his fingers and there you are.

You going back at the first hint he wants you to is setting up a power play in to which he will likely treat you even worse than he has in the past since he knows you are not going to fall far from the nest... no matter how hard he kicks.

Think it over... allow yourself some time to see this relationship from a unclouded, unfiltered view. Write down everything that has hurt you and read it to yourself as if a friend wrote it about her guy... ask yourself what advice you'd give that friend... and then take that advice for yourself. Sometimes we want better for others than we expect for ourselves, do think about it.

[yorkshirelass]

i dont feel like i am copeing very well

how do you get rid of the awful feeling after a break up...

i have done nothing but cry for the last three days and havent eaten, i feel sick constantly and i cant sleep and i miss him loads. i hate being away from him. i cant do anything my mind is just on him i feel rely low.

all i wanna do is be in his arms then i know these feelings will go away, he doesnt want to work things out, as he said he fed up of the arguing but we have both had a lot of stress recently. i wanna be there for him i am totaly in love with him and dont know what to do.

help

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I moved your new thread to this thread as it's the same topic yorkshirelass... People need to read what you've written before to reply so please do not start new threads on the same topic.

He cheated.

You argue over the cheating but ALSO other things, nothing to do with cheating.

You always make up, I assume sexually and then it's OK.. But then after the "making up" he states he wants nothing to do with you changes his mind.

You both go out drinking, argue, and again he says he wants nothing to do with you.

When you say he normally treats you well, is that without drink? Or after sex?

i have done nothing but cry for the last three days and havent eaten, i feel sick constantly and i cant sleep and i miss him loads. i hate being away from him. i cant do anything my mind is just on him i feel rely low.

What do you really miss? Having someone connect with you? Hold you? This man cheated. This man, says go away, come back. This man, says ah I'm sick of the arguing yet, he cheated on you? You say you love him, I say your in love with the idea of being IN LOVE.

This is what your first love? Second?

Let's get this into some form of perspective.

1.. He cheated.
2.. He can't understand the pain that caused you.
3.. He makes up and expects that's enough and when it's not, he calls... "It's your fault, we are arguing, go away, I don't want you".
4. Your viewing stress as his reason for his reactions but your not facing he cheated.A
5. You feeling you should be there for him what did he do to you?
6. Your in love with the want of being in love, that's normal..

See this all as it is... He cheated, he's treating you wrong, you deserve better don't you?

Grow some woman's balls and say, yeah well guess what, you cheated, you'll do it again, you argue when you can't acertain that you hurt someone, your in it for you and you can't control me, use emotional black mail and expect I am weak, cause I am not... See how you go with the next woman.

Stating this and claiming yourself, will shock the shirt out of him.. He will realise he can't use you.. He will realise he lost. He won't like it and he will try to win you back and the only way you can keep him is if, you continue to stand this ground and be strong and NOT accept, cheating / lying / controlling... because your worth it.

CW

[jns]

yorkshirelass, welcome to being in love and breaking up. You are going through an addiction withdrawal. Being in love produced chemicals that your body became addicted to. Now without those chemicals, crying and sadness is normal along with sleep pattern disruptions. What you need is a routine that you have to do, like an exercise regime or work.

[yorkshirelass]

thanks for the reply Chandlears wish!! every thing you have put is ho so true!!

my ex boyfriend cheated on me and i didnt even give him a second chance i was strong and sent him packing. i dont know why i havnt done the same this time i just feel like i cant let him go for some reason.

i have read things that say people can get past a partner cheating, but does it ever last?