[Mainlu]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years. I am in what feels like an awful place.

I love him, but there are a lot of things about him that just make me so angry right now.

I am about to sound like I am bashing him but I really just need to do this to get it out.

He needs to shower more.. He needs to cut his hair and do some freaking laundry. He needs a better job. Working two days a week sometimes and saying going through the steps to collect unemployment is such a hassle is not okay. If you have 5 days free from working you can take the time to either collect or search for a different job!

It is not okay to mooch off your friend that you live with. Rent is not optional when you live on your own. Bills are not a pay if you happen to have the money type of thing. I was raised to do everything in my power to get the bills paid. That was why I just got done working two jobs 7 days a week sometimes over 12 hours straight pretty much minus the car drive from location a to b..

I just got a college degree. He does not have one. He lives with someone who enables him to do tons of fun things, and play with cool expensive toys in a nice house for virtually nothing.

I have desperately wanted out of my house for years. It is very less than ideal to live the way I am. I am sick of not having a bed to sleep on or a room to call my own. I was supposed to move in with him a few weeks ago. It didn't happen because I just couldn't.

My boyfriend is, well lets generalize this and say close enough to 30. If I were in his shoes at 30 I would be embarrassed. It is to the point where people ask me about him and sometimes I am embarrassed. My mom and sister bash him all the time, but in a way it makes them feel bad because he is a really nice guy.

I guess that is what keeps me with him. As a person he is really great. He is just one of the laziest people I have ever met, or at least close to it. It is so weird because he is very not lazy about some things and very lazy about other things.

I could probably run over there tomorrow morning and tell him I needed him to sort and staple 500 papers for me and make 50 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for me before noon tomorrow and it would be done. If I went over there and asked him to do his laundry he would get offended.

He has social anxiety disorder.. Or at least had it really bad growing up. He doesn't have insurance so he doesn't take anything for it and hasn't since I met him....

It just drives me so nuts sometimes. He quit smoking because when we met I said I didn't date people who smoked (which really I did but it was a big turn off so it usually didn't work out). Why can he quit smoking but not get off his bottom and like, fix his life?!?!

Not only is he lazy but he has bad credit and some debt issues..................................

He thinks he is and can't do anything. He is so far into a hole he feels like he can't get out. However, heaven forbid I bring it up because I am attacking or insulting him. The only way I get progress is to hold his hand and I am sick of holding his hand! I don't want a future, and to have kids while raising yet another kid.

Today I told my mom if I don't move in with him I am building myself a room in the basement until I can figure out my job. And yes, I live at home. I moved back in college because of financial reasons in my family as a whole. I worked my entire way through college. I paid my bills in college. I am saving money to get out of my house. I am getting whatever jobs I can but some of them have been temporary so I can't move until they are permanent and I can plan a budget and have some money set aside for emergencies. I am closer to 20 than I am 30 and feel like I am in an okay spot right now.

When I said that I was going to do that she started asking what needed to be done to make that happen as if she would run down there and do it tomorrow.

I am just sick of it all. I told him if he didn't fix x y and z I would not move in. What he doesn't know is if it doesn't happen soon I am just building my basement room and saying screw it. I just don't know whether that means we are over completely or not. I am just sick of holding his hand forcing responsibility on him.

I'm mad because I come home to crooked comments by my mom and sister all of the time too. Which works against the cause too because it makes me want to get out of here even more. I don't feel like they should make a mean comment about something when they have no clue about half of my life to begin with.

I just kind of don't know what to do anymore. He has a pet that, is like, ours I guess. My mom doesn't want it in our house, but I would bet if it came down to it I could take it. He has my bed since I have no place to put it... If we broke up I would be okay with saying whatever you have/want to keep keep it. I would get another bed. I would let him keep the pet because he is so attached to it... But I know in doing so everyone would complain even though it isn't their life.

If I don't move in, I just don't know why I would continue the relationship. It is like a big sign saying if it doesn't happen now it just wont. Then again if I called it off and he proved he could fix himself would I go back? His mom seems to think that is what he needs but I think those games or strategies are so stupid. I can't threaten and/or ACTUALLY leave him every time I want him to do something he should have to common sense to do on his own anyway.

I need help sorting this all out.

I feel like I have used his social anxiety and an excuse in the past. I don't want to do this. I have stopped doing it over the last half year or so which is how I've suddenly gotten so angry. However, I am unfamiliar with it to the point that I feel it might be interfering with his ability to see his life clearly and what he is capable of. I feel like he sees the world as seeing him and a big piece of so he has dubbed himself as a piece of . However, you can't go through life like that so what do you do to fix it?!?!

Sorry this is so long.... Any advice?

Thanks

[Hopeless Dork]

I think first of all, if you want your sister and mother to quit bad mouthing your boyfriend to you, you have to quit supplying them with ammuniton. I mean you don't have to lie to them but you don't have disclose every negetive thing going on. I understand you probably need to vent... you should do that in a journal, or here or to a non-judgemental friend, but keep mom and sis on 'need to know' basis with whats going on in your relationship.

If you love this man and want to be with him ... you have to understand that he's not likely to change much. I mean he may get a job eventually, he may (hopefully) get to a doctor and start getting treatment for his social anxiety... but who he is, his pace of living, the laundry thing etc... the way he is in general (sort of lazy) is part of his character and will probably remain so.

One thing I got from everything you said was that he seems to care about you a whole lot. He quit smoking so that you'd date him. If you asked him to do something for you, lazy or not, he seems to be able to get it done for you (the peanut butter sandwhich example). It seems like if its for you, he will get off his rear... but doesn't have that motivation to things for himself.

I wouldn't be surpised if his social anxiety is what is preventing him from seeking employment, from dealing with the unemployment people, etc. That seems like something that should be addressed before everything else as it may greatly improve his quality of life.

Can you help call around and find out what kind of low-income medical assitance plans are available at some of your local hospitals? A lot of them charge on a sliding scale and if he has no money... hey may be able to qualify for some sort of low-income health plan with a very minimal co-pay.

Getting in to a doctor for a complete physical and to discuss his anxiety may help get him on to a better track. Like I said... this isn't going to change him, or make him suddenly want to fold clothes and clean his room... but it may help him to become more functional for work and such if he is getting the kind of treatment that he needs.

I understand your frustration, and also your love for him despite it. It sounds like you are driven and have many goals and it sounds like he's the opposite of that. Perhaps he will become inspired by you to get moving in the right directions, hopefully he will. But if not you will probably have to face the fact that this is the guy he is, and you will have to love him for all the things he is and isn't or decide that you can't.

[rcoreyus]

Its never a good idea to stay in a relationship hoping that someone will change- usually they don't. Could you be happy with him if he stays like this? If not, then you will probably be doing yourself AND him a favor by leaving.

I'm sorry you are in this spot - I know you love him - but it doesn't sound like you are a good match.

Hopeless Dork may be right that he could be treated - but he needs to want that, and it often doesn't work.

[Ashlee T.]

My first thought is why would you WANT to move in with him? You would end up being another "enabler", another caretaker, another way for him to have things he wants in life (you) without having to do a thing for them.

He needs to establish a life on his own in order to be with you.

If he is lazy, you will never respect him. And when you don't respect your partner, you suddenly find yourself also physically uninterested in them.

So he's: Nice. Helpful when you ask. Accomodating (quit smoking because you wanted him to).
But he's also: lazy, unmotivated, uninterested in dealing with medical issues that could be holding him back, content enjoying the hard work of others.......

I'm sure there are things to add to both categories. But when you lay it out like that, I have to ask again, why would you want to move in with this person? Self torture? Why? Do you believe that will make things change?

[pixiebean22]

jeez that was one long email... did you ever think that you're just looking for an excuse to break up with him?

He's obviously always been this way but in the past because of your love for him you were willing to overlook it but now you want a way out and you don't want to say that you just don't love him anymore you want an excuse.

That's just my opinion.

[jns]

rcoreyus has it right. Guys rarely change. His habits will probably become more pronounced as he gets older. Will you be able to live with them?

[Mainlu]

Basically it has gotten worse in some ways and better in others since I have been with him. As well as more has been revealed.

I didn't move in with him for the exact reasons others have stated.

In a way I feel like he doesn't have to be the most motivated guy in the world. I feel dumb though because I guess I kind of feel that as long as he can get set up on an okay track, I would be happy.

His recent failure to take any responsibility in his life and grow up a little is to me a sign of a backwards shift and not forwards. Because of this I am thinking about calling it off. In a way I am more looking for a reason to stay versus leave. I love and care about him a lot, but you can't live someone elses life for them. You can't change someone. I do not in any way want to enable him more by moving in and giving him something else he wants. But I also kind of have to ask myself is it worth it to withhold moving in with him as motivation. I shouldn't have to motivate him like that.

He just doesn't get that what is okay at 20 is not always okay at 30. There is a lot of maturity that has to happen between those ages. I keep feeling like once he gets that it will be fine but then I have to tell myself he may never get that. In which case it would not be okay with me.

As far as that whole message. I think many of you got that I was venting and therefore it was very one sided. I didn't talk about many good things because I was venting about the bad. However the bad things are very important issues that need to be addressed for the future.

Thanks for all of the advice. The more things go on the more I feel I should not be with him. Something just says to me to give it a last effort and then evaluate the outcome of it.

[Ashlee T.]

Girl don't worry, most of us here know that when you come here, you come to vent...and in venting you're not going to always point out all the positive....because then it wouldn't really be venting. Besides, sometimes there may be 100 great things, and 1 bad thing, but if that 1 bad thing is important enough it can mean the end of a relationship.

Perhaps he's one of those "season" relationships, both coming into each others lives for a reason, but only for a short period of time. And if it is a season relationship, it's always best not to let it overstay its welcome.

Only your intuition knows whats best. I know it's confusing and difficult. And I'm sure there are great things about the guy that you love and will miss. But you're right, you can't change him....and maybe he "should" want certain things, but he doesn't. Maybe that's just him, and in time he may "find himself", but then again....maybe he won't.

Does he drink? Drugs? Smoke the happy grass?

[Mainlu]

Haha, no he does not drink or smoke. When he was younger he drank a lot and got into some trouble with it but he doesn't drink except for an occasional beer now and then anymore.

And thanks, your advice has helped a lot.

[Ashlee T.]

I see. I was thinking maybe if he enjoyed the happy grass that could be a reason for the lack of motivation. Darn it, I'll quit looking for excuses for him. haha!