[SaharaJim]

Mainlu. I read your post and thought of the "man" my step-daughter is involved with. He is 30 and works at a "McJob"- entry level at a pizz-fast food chain. He has NO interest in finding anything better or education. He has a whole list of "mental and physical" problems that only come up when the subject is him doing something he doesn't want to do. Like work. Now in fairness he treats her well and "loves' her. Daughter is 26 and capable of making her own decisions. But she wants things like a house and nice vehicles etc- these cost money. So far my wife financed him a car...and against my better judgment I got an old motorcycle and repaired it so it's functional- so he could ride with the family- (daughter wouldn't ride with us if he isn't "included")...but he just sits there is a state of "learned helplessness". I think he is as worthless as T*Ts on a BOAR HOG. As for his "problems"- I am a recovering alcoholic with type 1 diabetis- no sympathy. HOW WOULD YOU ADVISE HER?

[Mainlu]

I am being 100% honest with myself in saying if he hadn't mucked up his life so badly when he was younger and stupider he could be doing something with his life right now. I don't believe it is because he has no aspirations. I don't believe he doesn't want a better job or even to go back to school. However, I don't think he feels capable or worthy of making it through the process.

He has no money, he has no credit, so he is worried if he goes out to get a degree he will fail and dig a deeper hole for himself. I feel he is in some way afraid of getting a new job due to his issues but at this point I don't sympathize with that because he also will not admit or get help with it.

If I did not see potential in him I would not be with him. It is just that the potential is falling.

He went out and scraped up extra hours after explaining how he needs to do xy and z for me to move in. So now I don't feel right for counting the whole not looking for another job thing against him as he is getting the hours he needs now for the time being.

I think part of it is that in my previous relationship the guy was loaded, but the biggest you know what. That has a whole other story attached to it.

Basically I could have never worked a day in my life if I stayed with him. However, nothing we started together was ever mine. He bought a house but it was his house. Then I would sit there and be like, he took this big huge step in his life, which was great for him don't get me wrong, but it isn't the same when you can't build something together with someone you love.

I get they are total opposites. My boyfriend now may never be able to finance a house with his financial problems. And yes I want a house, but I would rather be with someone like him than my ex.

I feel like I am a selfish person. I know, deep inside, I really am kind of selfish. I feel like I want to call it off indefinitely. I don't necessarily want to say it is over but I want to tell him that in order to have me he has to step it up and that it isn't something he can prove to me over night. I want to say that if he feels he has gotten his together he can let me know.

I also kind of want to know what else is out there. I would never find another him as I have never met another him. Dating is awkward and I hate it. I am not the most social person and I am the worlds worst small talker. But it is like, right now, I feel like I am trapped and screaming to get out, but not because I want out to get away. I want out to like, organize it all, look it over.

I just am not a "take a break" type of person. I feel like it is not only a bad habit but a stupid thing to do to leave a relationship without the intention of it being done. Even though that is what his mom feels would be a good move. Not that she fully believes her son will get off his bottom but because she feels like that is what it would take if he ever would.

There is just something that screams to me that he isn't hopeless. I just don't want to waste time. I don't feel like any of our relationship has been a waste of time, but I kind of feel like without the progress I have wanted it is going to start to become that...

I am so stressed and confused about this all. Not to mention I keep like, thinking in my mind what if I were with so and so or scoping out other guys which I never did before. I think that all comes from how worked up I've gotten about all of this however. I have anxiety and it is like, when I put my mind to something I have to have some kind of result. I want to like have a solution that is agreed upon by both of us as to where I am going to live and if we are going to be together. I am 90% convinced I am moving into the basement and not with him but he doesn't know. But beyond that...

[Mainlu]

It is too late to edit but I would also like to add that the only time I ever broke up with someone, it went awful.

I am also scared to death of making decisions and things that are permanent.

Basically, I've been broken up with many times, but I am scared to death of being the one doing the breaking.

I would just like to crawl in a hole and hide from making any decisions right now. I'm not even saying I want to break up with him. But part of me wants to. I just can't tell if it is because I am so mad right now or if it is because I really do.

[Snuz]

I feel like I can relate to your situation. I'm also scared to death of making "permanent" decisions. Part of me wants to break up with my bf (who is also very "lazy") and see what else is out there, and figure myself out. The other part doesn't want to take the chance and loose an 8 year relationship..
Sorry I don't have any advice.. Hope some of the other ladies do!

[SaharaJim]

Mainlu...What i am hearing is that you are not happy and that you believe that you would 'be happy" if he would 'change'. His mother and you are looking for ways to manipulate/control/force him to change. He has all sorts of "reasons" why he can't or won''t. You would "leave" the relationship but you are afraid of the confrontation and that it would be permanent and you would never "find another him". My advice is leave the "other guy" out of this. OK he worked and everything was his- no one need that! But the world is full of men who aren't like that. This is like saying I don't like being burned by fire so- I am going to be freezer burned by ice instead. This guy is 30 years old. he (absent a profound spiritual experience) isn't going to "change"- you would spend the rest of an unhappy life trying to force/control/manipulate him into what you want him to be. Is that the kind of life you want? If not..put on your "big-girl panties" and DTMFA. There are better guys out there looking for a good catch like you.

[Hopeless Dork]

If I did not see potential in him I would not be with him. It is just that the potential is falling.

This is a common problem for people that are in relationships they are not happy with. Its like a guy who knows he wants a rail thin woman in order to be happy... deciding to date a very obese woman who has all the other criteria he wants in a woman and then hoping he can 'fix' her and get her to lose weight so that she can then meet ALL of his ideals.

While it might be to her own healths benefit to take his advices and try to lose weight etc... she would need to decide to do it for herself, not out of fear of losing the relationship if she doesn't.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this guys issues didn't appear over night... that you saw them early and decided to look past them because of everything else about him that you liked. While that is completely natural... you should also be well aware when doing that of the fact that things are more likely to remain the same than change.

You can't mold someone into something that meets your standards to be happy. They either have them or they don't. Thats not to say that people can't change and improve... but being with someone only because you hope one day they will change sets you and them up for discontent.

[Mainlu]

I get it. And yes I get that when I met him he had all the same problems. And I agree. I wasn't disagreeing when I said what I did but I was just explaining why all of a sudden it is bugging me when it didn't before. It is because I am starting to see the writing on the wall. I just don't want to so my brain is trying to reason it out.

I don't believe there is someone out there without flaw, or someone out there who is everything I want. I feel there are people who are most of what you want but ultimately make you happy anyway. He always made me happy until now. I don't know what all has changed and maybe it simply is what hasn't changed.

I wish he would change, but you are right he probably wont. I don't think he gets that at the rate he is going he will be approaching or in his 40's by the time he could finance a house, have a decent car, money saved for starting a family and have a decent job. Not that you can't do that at 40 but I don't really want that. I want to start my life now. I want to start working towards something that is actually obtainable and within my grasp. Not something that is so far up the road I can't even see it.

Thanks for the advice. Now to suck it up and take action..

[SaharaJim]

YOU GO GIRL! MAKING the decisions is always the hardest for me. Now that you have decided what you want you can start moving towards it. Don't be discouraged if it seems "tough" some days. You will be alright.