[jns]

KMonte85, do you want advice on how to manipulate the situation so it goes against her or do you want sympathy? It is a tough situation. You handled it with dignity.

[WildChild]

I do like the idea of sitting her down in a neutral setting with no alcohol involved and talking to her about her behavior. Waiting until you have all been drinking and are in a social situation won't serve you. You won't say what you really need to say in the way it needs to be said. Let her know that she has simply crossed the line one time too many and that it needs to stop.

It's very possible that next time she starts, you will be a target, but how is that likely to go down? Comments about you calling her out on her behavior are more likely to win you support than to lower you in anyone's estimation.

I suggest that you also try not drinking when around her, so that you can deal with it with a clear head.
One option could be that as soon as she starts in, you announce, "we aren't starting this again, it's not acceptable and I'm not going to sit here and listen to it." Then ask if anyone would like to take a walk or play a board game - just anything different. Change the response and the setting on her.

Another strategy would be to counter her negatives with positives. She picks on so and so for not having kids yet, you comment on how great it is that people have more options now and no longer feel that having children is the primary reason to marry - they can just love and enjoy each other. She starts in on how you had things handed to you, ask how her apartment is- are the in laws having much trouble with vacancies? And isn't she fortunate that they own a building?
If she starts in about your work, respond that all those interships and hard work have paid off and you are so glad that you worked through college to gain that toe hold. Then sweetly ask her how she enjoys her work as a homemaker?

You can't pull this off if you are a sheet and a half toward three sheets to the wind -so stay sober and defuse her (after you've had the neutral talk).

[sourpuss]

Great advice WC.
I agree that you need to sit her down and talk to her, it will make it that much easier to call her out in a subtle way when she starts in.

[KMonte85]

Hi jns - no, not looking for sympathy.. I think there are far worse problems going on in this forum that deserve symapthy - I am looking for better ways to react to the situation for when it rears its ugly head once again. Last time I said something when she started ripping on others - just told her she was innappropriate, then when she started on my life I did nothing, just took it. Next time, I would like to have a game plan for what to tell her to stop the snarky comments towards me, which I realize is just to tell her that she's being inappropriate again... I just have a hard time with that when it comes to her. I'm not intimidated, moreso I feel like I'm rubbing salt in a wound - she's obviously harping on me because she is upset about where life has taken her, maybe she needs to vent. But I've got to stop being the punching bag when she's feeling low (and a bit drunk).

WC, I like your advice about responding to her negatives with positives. I think that is a great way to diffuse her toxic comments, I'm sure she will just keep coming back with more, but I will come up with more positives until I excuse myself from the conversation. That way I don't feel like I'm taking her down, but can still mantain some amount of dignity and class, and not strain the relationship farther (I don't want to make her so mad she won't let her husband spend time with my boyfriend). Unfortunately, the neutral talking doesn't work - I tried that last time and she accused me of not being a true friend, as she was just being honest and speaking her mind, that I may want to think about taking her advice, because friends talk, they tell each other what they think, and they reflect on that.... *sigh*

It will probably be a few weeks before I see her, we are both going to a wedding in 2 weeks time - so I have all that time to think about all the great things to be happy about, and what to say to "kill with kindness" so to speak.

[sourpuss]

She's just unhappy in general and it obviously bugs her that you're happy. There are just some people out there that find comfort in making others feel as bad as they do, she's one of them. Don't let her get you down, and make it obvious that it doesn't work. Like WC, counter everything with a positive, eventually she'll see that her negative comments don't work with you and it will frustrate her to the point of stopping because it won't have the effect she's after.

[KMonte85]

She's just unhappy in general and it obviously bugs her that you're happy. There are just some people out there that find comfort in making others feel as bad as they do, she's one of them. Don't let her get you down, and make it obvious that it doesn't work. Like WC, counter everything with a positive, eventually she'll see that her negative comments don't work with you and it will frustrate her to the point of stopping because it won't have the effect she's after.

You are so right. It is just so odd... she NEVER used to be like this. EVER. She was the happy-go-lucky girl who always had a smile on her face.. that's why we became friends in the first place so many years ago, she was patient and friendly, and sweet and silly - I always told her she should be a kindergarten teacher because she has the perfect character for that! But now, especially since graduating 2 years ago - she's become so critical of everyone's choices, so grim, like there's this cloud hanging over her head. She's pretty good when sober, but a few beers later the clouds open up and all her venom comes raining down. I know she's hurting, which is why it is so hard to come down on her for me..

Just kind of wish I had my old friend back. But I've realized that it may never happen, and if it does someday, the damage has already been done because I don't think I can look at her the same way knowing all the things she's said to and about me.

[sourpuss]

You could tell her just that. Approach it in a 'I'm worried about your happiness' sort of way. She may respond to that.

[Ashlee T.]

I remember your previous post about her. She was doing the same things then, trying to make herself feel better by dragging you down, etc. And I know then you tried some different ways to diffuse the situation.

Clearly you can't reason with someone when they're drinking, and more importantly, you can't reason with yourself enough to reason with someone when you're also drinking.

#1 - You do NOT need to defend your accomplishments. Period.

#2 - She's a spoiled brat who instead of being proactive sits around and whines, poor me poor me poor me.

#3 - She is willing to find any excuse as to why she hasn't been "as successful" as others. "Your parents helped you, must be nice...if I had gotten that kind of help I'd be a rocket scientist by now". = EXCUSE. Therefore, she convinces herself that it's not her fault she's not where she wants to be.

#4 - You and your guy can hang out with her and her guy. But that doesn't mean she has to be someone you call, someone you plan things with, someone you share things with, someone you vent to, etc.

#5 - It is time she be put in her place, and that does not mean fighting with her, defending yourself, causing a big blow up. That means calmly and confidentally telling her that she's judgemental, self-defeating, critical, and just plain rude......and that you want to be able to have a good time with her but that you're shutting her off like a light switch if her behavior continues. Do not attempt to explain in any greater detail as you'll get off task. Say it simply and be done.

#6. Be prepared to live your words. The FIRST time, and I mean the very first hint of negativity, judgement, criticism, rudeness etc that comes from her, shut her off, walk away, say nothing. Remove yourself from the situation and do not worry about how it makes anyone else feel. SHE projects negativity onto you, and that is so so bad.

Be done with her. Be around her only when you must. Talk to her only when you must. And shut her down when she starts the trash talk.

[sourpuss]

BD is 100% SPOT ON!

[Ashlee T.]

Oh Oh one more thing. You mention you "miss your friend". A relationship is a relationship whether with a guy, girl, whether friendship, or love. How many times have you heard women venting about their mean SO's but say "I just miss what we had". "I just wish he'd go back to being like he was in the beginning" ????? They miss the relationship they THOUGHT they had.....not the one they truly have. Years do not make a friendship. Common friends/family do not make a friendship.

What does make a friendship? Compassion, Love, Empathy, Encouragement, Inspiration, Unselfishness.

So is she your friend?