I posted a while ago about my best friend Amber - who was bitten by the green-eyed monster, and took every opportunity to criticize my successes instead of congratulate me.
Well, I talked to her a while back, distanced myself, and she sort of cooled it a bit. We've been spending more time together now (it is summer - we camp together often and her husband and my boyfriend are BFF's so many weekends we are together grilling, hanging around, just general stuff).
She's to the point where she holds her tongue and doesn't say snarky comments when we're all spending time together and everything is pleasant ...until she gets a few beers in her.
4th of July I had just about had enough of her antics. We all had a few pitchers in us, and she started on other people we were with first - telling another dating couple what they need to do ("why aren't you married yet? you should be. What's taking so long? Don't you really love each other, or is this just convenient for you?"). Then she hit up my boyfriend's brother in law whom she barely knows, he married my boyfriend's sister less than a year ago ("So why isn't she pregnant yet? Aren't you two happy in your marriage? What's wrong with you?").
I was tipsy, but sober enough to be pretty much mortified by her behavior! I told her to knock it off, she was being rude (and made a reference to her sounding exactly like her mother - that was my bad for escalating). then she turned on me - "must be nice to have everything you've ever wanted handed to you", "yeah, because you know what it is like to struggle with finding a job, wish I had your family's money and connections", "wish my family would pay my way through school and help with a house loan," "maybe someday you'll actually know what it is like to be in a real relationship, if you ever get married"
I'm really hurt by all of this and I've been stewing for days now. I haven't talked to her since, and I really don't want to. It makes me regret everything I've ever told her, as she uses it as ammo when she wants to make a point. Like my family helping me out - my parents paid for my college education, her's could have too, but her stepdad said no so she had to take out loans. My family helped me out with the loan for my house too - not that I don't pay the mortgage, but they helped me get almost 2% off of the interest rate I originally was approved for (they knew some people at the bank and made a few calls). I still pay, but I pay much less than I would have had to. (but she gets cheap rent for living at her in-law's apt complex, almost 1/2 what the other tenants have to pay).
I put in years of hard work that she didn't at getting and keeping relevant internships, countless hours of research and preparation for job interviews, plenty of weekends at business events instead of at college bars, I bust my butt at my job so I know I have security... she really hasn't done any of these things, and yet - because I had some financial help from my parents for college, my degree is worth less than hers, even though I worked throughout college to pay for everything (texts, food, rent, etc) except tuition and she lived at her parents house and then in an apt with her husband completely jobless. I don't even know why I'm trying to justify my situation with these "Yeah but's" I feel like I'm on the defensive and need to explain myself, when I know that an explanation isn't necessary... but I still find myself doing it, and stewing more about what she said, and ranting to my boyfriend about it (and now you guys too...)
I didn't say anything to her that night after her hissy fit, we spent a few more hours together that night and the comments kept coming as the beer kept flowing, but I chose to ignore her. But now I really regret NOT saying something. I have a feeling this is going to come back again in the next few weeks as we have some more festivals and parties coming up. How do I handle this? What is the best way to tell her to stop without getting mean (which is often my first line of defense - I could say some things that would shut her up forever, but I'm not lowering myself to that). How do I defend what I've worked for without taking her down? I'd say this is the end of our friendship, at least what it was, but I know we'll be spending more time together as her husband and my boyfriend are so close - so just cutting ties won't work - I need a gameplan for the inevitable times we will be together when she will say something rude and discerning.
Well, I talked to her a while back, distanced myself, and she sort of cooled it a bit. We've been spending more time together now (it is summer - we camp together often and her husband and my boyfriend are BFF's so many weekends we are together grilling, hanging around, just general stuff).
She's to the point where she holds her tongue and doesn't say snarky comments when we're all spending time together and everything is pleasant ...until she gets a few beers in her.
4th of July I had just about had enough of her antics. We all had a few pitchers in us, and she started on other people we were with first - telling another dating couple what they need to do ("why aren't you married yet? you should be. What's taking so long? Don't you really love each other, or is this just convenient for you?"). Then she hit up my boyfriend's brother in law whom she barely knows, he married my boyfriend's sister less than a year ago ("So why isn't she pregnant yet? Aren't you two happy in your marriage? What's wrong with you?").
I was tipsy, but sober enough to be pretty much mortified by her behavior! I told her to knock it off, she was being rude (and made a reference to her sounding exactly like her mother - that was my bad for escalating). then she turned on me - "must be nice to have everything you've ever wanted handed to you", "yeah, because you know what it is like to struggle with finding a job, wish I had your family's money and connections", "wish my family would pay my way through school and help with a house loan," "maybe someday you'll actually know what it is like to be in a real relationship, if you ever get married"
I'm really hurt by all of this and I've been stewing for days now. I haven't talked to her since, and I really don't want to. It makes me regret everything I've ever told her, as she uses it as ammo when she wants to make a point. Like my family helping me out - my parents paid for my college education, her's could have too, but her stepdad said no so she had to take out loans. My family helped me out with the loan for my house too - not that I don't pay the mortgage, but they helped me get almost 2% off of the interest rate I originally was approved for (they knew some people at the bank and made a few calls). I still pay, but I pay much less than I would have had to. (but she gets cheap rent for living at her in-law's apt complex, almost 1/2 what the other tenants have to pay).
I put in years of hard work that she didn't at getting and keeping relevant internships, countless hours of research and preparation for job interviews, plenty of weekends at business events instead of at college bars, I bust my butt at my job so I know I have security... she really hasn't done any of these things, and yet - because I had some financial help from my parents for college, my degree is worth less than hers, even though I worked throughout college to pay for everything (texts, food, rent, etc) except tuition and she lived at her parents house and then in an apt with her husband completely jobless. I don't even know why I'm trying to justify my situation with these "Yeah but's" I feel like I'm on the defensive and need to explain myself, when I know that an explanation isn't necessary... but I still find myself doing it, and stewing more about what she said, and ranting to my boyfriend about it (and now you guys too...)
I didn't say anything to her that night after her hissy fit, we spent a few more hours together that night and the comments kept coming as the beer kept flowing, but I chose to ignore her. But now I really regret NOT saying something. I have a feeling this is going to come back again in the next few weeks as we have some more festivals and parties coming up. How do I handle this? What is the best way to tell her to stop without getting mean (which is often my first line of defense - I could say some things that would shut her up forever, but I'm not lowering myself to that). How do I defend what I've worked for without taking her down? I'd say this is the end of our friendship, at least what it was, but I know we'll be spending more time together as her husband and my boyfriend are so close - so just cutting ties won't work - I need a gameplan for the inevitable times we will be together when she will say something rude and discerning.
Get The Newsletter
Comment