[asiangrace]

I have a friend whom I know through my boyfriend (My bf is good friends with her husband before he was even married to her).

The past several months, she has been avoiding me on purpose. She'll text me and say things like "Omg, we need to hang out! I miss you so much!" and "We never get to see each other!" So, I'll arrange something for us to do and she'll either A) Come up with some lamest excuse as to why she can't hang out with me that time or B) She cancels on me...always 10-15 minutes before meeting up with her.
She'll cancel regardless if I come with something to for us to do or if she does. Then the next day, she's texting all the "Let's hang out!" and "I'm so lonely here!" stuff again.

My boyfriend and I recently got a boat and I offered for her and her husband to come join us tomorrow (Wednesday) night and she texts me that it's their gym night. I would understand, except the last time I asked her to do something it was on a Monday night and she said Mondays were their gym nights. Now she's lying to me.

She does this ALL the time. I wouldn't have much of a problem with it if she didn't send a text everyday saying how much she wants to hang out with me...

I am 23 and she is 29, I would excpect this behavior from a teenager, not a grown woman.

I would straight up ask her what is going on, but she is the kind of person who will take it the wrong way and I don't want her to hang out with me out of guilt. She will most likely twist my words around, tell her husband (her husband helps us with my boyfriend and my cars a lot, he is really kind and still good friends with my boyfriend) I don't want her to twist me words around and turn her husband against us. I just don't want to cause problems between her husband and my boyfriend.

I don't know a lot of people in this city, I have my boyfriend and one other girlfriend. I get lonely without my gal pals here, so I crave female company and she could make such a great friend!

I'm really frustrated!

Also, as a side note, she started pole fitness and introduced me to pole fitness and she has since stopped attending since I started. What the heck???

Anyways... I just needed to vent. It's not like I have a lot of female friends here and I'd really like to have a normal friendship with her.

[asiangrace]

If she was not connected to my boyfriend somehow, I would speak up. If it was any other of my girlfriends, I would confront them. But like I said, I don't want to cause problems between her hubby and my boyfriend.

[KMonte85]

I've got friends like this too... they give you the old bait and switch constantly... "I miss you! we sooo need to hang out!" then bail on you.

IMO, she's just trying to keep you around without having to do the work it takes to actually be a friend. I'm sure she feels that by sending you these "thinking of you" texts, she's fulfilling her friend duty. Obviously, that's not true..

What has worked for me is the fight fire with fire... since you've tried so hard to plan stuff for you two to do together, you should back off a bit and wait for her to make the plans (if that ever happens). If she texts "miss you! lets hang out!" text back "aww miss you too buddy! I'd love to!" and leave it at that. If she wants to hang, she'll come up with something. And if she doesn't, she will leave it at that and just keep texting.

This will give you extra time you spent trying to hang out with her, which now you can spend making new friends in your pole dancing class, or other boaters, or where ever you happen to be. You can meet real friends, who ACTUALLY do want to spend time together! And in the meantime you're keeping your relationship on solid ground with this woman and not creating waves (since she's got ties to you through your boyfriend, you can't just drop her... have to keep it civil!)

[kygirl]

I'm with KM. I had a similiar situation when a friend of mine and I had a falling out and she occassionally pulls the 'how are you?' "I've missed you" but then she hasn't made any serious effort when I've asked her to come around. All you can do is find people who actually do want to hang out. Maybe at your gym or through a hobby or whatever. You can be cordial to her without having to play her game.

Good luck!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds to me that you need to turn the tables...

I don't see someone texting "daily" to hang out and then never going through with it, is genuine, I see that as "trying" to "pretend" to want to be your friend and she proved that with the pole fitness, she is either jealous of you, or has a softer spot for your boyfriend and doesn't want to get to know you, in my opinion.

Next time she texts you ... text back and say, "we'll try to organise something next week, be great, bit busy this week"... that may stop her from texting daily, but also puts it back to her that when someone says jump we say how high? In-other-words, you made your own judgement, your busy whilst still "claiming" that it would be great.

CW

[asiangrace]

Wow, thanks girls for all your great suggestions! Reading your feedback has helped me be less frustrated and get ideas of responses.

And CW, your point about her having a "softer spot" for my boyfriend made me think of something. A few times before, she has mentioned how she wishes her husband was as "romantic and affection" as my boyfriend is. Hmm...maybe it's all coming down to a jealousy thing. :-( I really hope that isn't the case, but I have a feeling now that it is. I don't see myself better than she is at all and her husband is a great, great guy. I hope she understands that!

I'll just wait til she makes a plan and takes initiative in a friendship. Meanwhile, I hope I start meeting other cool girls!

I love this forum, it's been really encouraging to me!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Don't allow someone else's negativity, or bad behaviour affect your life

Go out and meet alot of "cool girls", gym, a hobby, somewhere...