[John84]

Even though I am a guy, I think reaching out to a forum like this will grant me advice I would typically not find in other forums. Long read but bare with me!

We’re in our mid 20’s and have been best of friends with no other serious friends since middle school. He is a passionless person with no hobbies really and so we don’t share similar interests or hobbies but we’ve always shared a mutual understanding of each other with a tendency to agree on the same things. At one point I would have probably said we were soul mates and probably vice versa though he isn’t the type to admit were best friends.

If I would say he has any hobbies it would be that he does frequent the night clubs and is a heavy practitioner of casual sex due to his looks. I stopped going out with him to late night clubs a long time ago, because it just wasn’t my thing.

He’s not quite an insightful person nor is a communicative person and seldom expresses feelings. And so to him it seems things are going great but that’s always been him, he’s not a problem solver type person, not an analyzer type, lacks heavy organization skills and chances are would not attempt to resolve something wrong in a relationship. In fact, when comparing individual qualities I’m quite the polar opposite of him and require these qualities at my current job.

He’s not a virtuous person one might say, he did have a son like a year ago by accident with a girl he does not see himself long term with, so he kind of abandoned her. He still lives at home with his parents and has kept this secretive to just about everyone around him. He has been progressing very slow (you may even call it struggling) at school and has maybe a couple of years left where he wants to be a nurse, and has constantly changed schools.

I on the other hand am not the Dalai Lama but do consider myself very virtuous and it kind of does bother me that he hasn’t been there for his son, since I myself grew up with no father. Myself, I graduated in May with bachelors in Computer Information Systems and am currently finishing an internship for a very large company.

If I would describe the things that really bother me the most about him is that he is a really self-absorbed person who can be narcissistic at times. A while back I had a very important interview for a job that would be my career after college and he didn’t even bother calling afterwards and asking how it went. He’s not very talkative which is the reason why I stopped working out with him (it was just boring) and because due to his lack of organization skills he couldn’t coordinate a solid schedule. I felt I have in the last year that I can’t depend on him to go hang out and go somewhere (like to eat, or go to mall, or a venue).

So we haven’t hanged out in months, and one day I called him to ask him if he wanted to eat somewhere so during our meal I confronted him asked as to why we have not hanged out lately and it seems for him things were going great, his response was that he’s been real busy at school to which I responded “I’m not asking to hang out every day but just once a week is fine with me.” I knew what was going to come next which was him asking me why stopped going out to night clubs with him. I iterated that if we cannot even hang out and do regular things why should I bother going out with him (basically asking if we don’t have a deep relationship like we once had before, why should we do the superficial things?).

It just seems that we have matured in different directions, or it may just seem that I am seeking a deep meaningful relationship and he is not satisfying it. I have no other true friends and it has crossed my mind whether I should cut ties with him. It may just be that I’m just tired of him being this highly self absorbed person. What should I do?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

John,

Welcome to the Forum.

Firstly, people change it's a natural process..

You call him your "best friend", "soulmate", you mention you do not have any other true friends, should you cut this one off.

So, my answer is this.

Friends, accept each other for who they are no matter what. You have alot of things to say about this person that you don't agree with, don't like and won't be with, in certain circumstances because it's not your nature, you or who you are.

You are holding his not telling about his child, against him for what you went through in life. Ask yourself, if that is fair? Isn't it his choice, be it right or wrong...

You say he is highly self absorbed. I say that he's a lost soul... No direction, no ambition, goals in life, the oposite to you, but he is living the life as he wants to as he feels comfortable with, as he knows it.

You have succeeded in life and feel that you are all that is good in life, achieving. He is searching for his, wants to be a Nurse, so he doesn't handle time management very well. But ultimately, your putting him down left right and centre, you don't want to train with him because he's boring, go out with him, because he just picks up girls, but you want him to eat with you, isn't that all one way?

I think you have both gone in different directions in life.

I think you are over analysing your friendship with him, but if you re-read what you wrote, your not at all compatible.

And, I think that if you don't have any other close friends, you need to see that you have flaws as well, you are going to live a lonely life, if you work only at being successful, doing the right things in life, "owning" including friends, as you want them to be what you want them to be, not themselves. You need to relax yourself, respect all people for who they are and in friendship, accept them for who they are, work out your boundries of how that friendship will be, no one is expected to do things they don't want to do. Life is about choices and we live one life in this world, as we are, but you've changed, grown and he is still happy in the past... the past you no longer want to be involved with... The night clubs as an example.

If you don't realise that we can be who we want to be and a true friend loves us for who we are, and accepts us for who we are, then your not going to make any other "close" friends in life and at 25, you really need to have a few that you can call true friends.

Passionate people verses non-passionate people. Different huh. But, doesn't mean that they can't be true friends.

You can't expect someone to ring you to contratulate you if they live in a world which is just day to day living, and have no passion for life, no goals, dreams. Maybe with the nursing, he's starting to now? Maybe, you should be en-couraging him and telling him he can do it, and be really good at it...

Maybe, you don't say things to him either... or maybe he's aware of all you wrote, and knows exactly how you feel about him, as you've certainly pin-pointed alot of things there.

CW

[jns]

Your friend does not seem to be growing, but you are. At the same time, the order and logic necessary for being a programmer are changing your approach to life. Do you have or have you ever had a girlfriend? Are you socially awkward? As you want to go forward, you may want to look at life different than a programmer, with more passion and compassion, wanting to embrace emotion and people being illogical at times. Once you start relating to people, maybe as good as you relate to machines, you will start having more friends. A serious relationship will naturally follow if you let it.