[kygirl]

Lately as in the last week especially, the boyfriend has been really snippy. He's stressed out with work and I get that. I have been stressed out too, but it's like he can't let it go. Then we'll be discussing something, and the slightest thing that he takes as me attacking him (which they are not at all) he snips and it really hurts my feelings. Then, honestly it's a bit hard for me to go on like nothing happened. I can get over a legitimate argument in no time, but these frustrate me because I know he's just letting the stress get to him.

We are spending more time together lately so I know that probably doesn't help as we are adjusting a bit, but why is it that people have to take out their frustrations on the people that care about them most? I know he hates his job and I respect that, but I am not sure if I can do something to maybe help him not think about it so much. It's becoming a daily thing. I know when he's frustrated or thinking about it, and it really bothers me.

Thoughts?

[pretzel]

Welcome to the other side of life. Sounds like this is how he reacts to things out of his control.

Here's whats on his plate (I think)

Doesn't like his job (didn't know about that one)
Going to India for a couple of months for training in a job he doesn't like,
Being away from you for a couple of months
Divorce not yet done and for the next couple of months won't be able to do much to move it along
School starting back up pretty much as soon as he gets back?
You moving into your new place and he's not there to help

That sounds to me to be a pretty full plate of unpleasant things.

Truthfully, none of these things you can do anything about. This is just an unfortunate reality that right now there isn't a whole lot for him to look forward to that gives him any sort of joy.

[kygirl]

Welcome to the other side of life. Sounds like this is how he reacts to things out of his control.

Here's whats on his plate (I think)

Doesn't like his job (didn't know about that one)
Going to India for a couple of months for training in a job he doesn't like,
Being away from you for a couple of months
Divorce not yet done and for the next couple of months won't be able to do much to move it along
School starting back up pretty much as soon as he gets back?
You moving into your new place and he's not there to help

That sounds to me to be a pretty full plate of unpleasant things.

Truthfully, none of these things you can do anything about. This is just an unfortunate reality that right now there isn't a whole lot for him to look forward to that gives him any sort of joy.

Well I would agree with you but really the only things that are still going on is that he is trying to wrap up the divorce and he doesn't like his job right now. We both start school soon but not for about 3 weeks. (India fell through very last minute and I have already moved )

I know he's frustrated. that I get but I am frustrated too. We talk about this and that is fine. I want him to vent his frustrations to me and talk to me, but I don't think it's acceptable for him to get snippy with me when I am trying to listen and work through things with him. I hate my job somedays too. I don't know what I want to do when I get out of school either. I may not be getting a divorce, but that bothers me too. It's like he doesn't understand that I'm going through all of this with him.

I try very hard to not raise my voice to him, to not demean him in any way, and I try not to be rude to anyone. I feel like no matter what I do, if I disagree with him while he's in a mood he'll snip. Last night, we'd had a perfectly great time bowling with friends, we started talking on the way home, in a civil manner and he just was rude for no reason. I'd had a long day just like he had. I was tired too, but I didn't snap at him. It honestly ruined the rest of the evening for me. I was very much looking forward to getting home prior to that, but having it happen so much recently is really starting to aggravate me.

I know people get comfortable and aren't always on their "best behavior" after a while, but I don't think I should be snapped at. Does that make sense?

It's not like he's blantantly yelling but he'll raise his voice and make a snippy offhanded comment and I just don't know how to deal with it in the best way??

[pretzel]

What you just said to me I hope you've said to him. Very well put and very accurate as well.

Sometimes a selfish side appears that we don't like to see. This is that side of him. This may very well be how he handles unpleasant issues.

He needs to understand that your personality doesn't mesh well with this type of reactions. If he cares about you as much as I think he does, he could very well take this to heart and realize that he needs to learn different coping mechanisms.

[kygirl]

He knows I don't like it. I actually send him an email after I got moving this morning that kind of said what I said to you. It bascially said I wanted to help and be supportive. That I think he's smart and very capable and it just makes me sad that he lets his job get to him the way he does. I also noted that it's not that I get mad when he does this but that it frustrates me because I want to be here for him and I'm not the enemy

He didn't respond, so I sent an email to make sure he got it (since I sent from my phone which has been acting up lately) and he just said "swamped at work" so I'm guessing he didn't even read it. I don't know. I mean, the whole thing just really makes me frustrated. It makes me *not* want to talk to him because I'm not going to just agree with him all the time and if I get attitude when I'm trying to look at it from both sides together with him then why bother... That is what frustrates me. I hate feeling like I dont' want to talk to him and once in a while, I get that maybe he might not handle things the best way.

Honestly it concerns me because I feel like it is a molehill so to speak right now, but could grow into a mountain. I am guessing this isn't a recent attitude development for him.

[sourpuss]

Ugh, you just described my relationship right now. I know exactly how you feel! I think people are just most comfortable around the people they care about most and they think you're a sounding board, but don't realize that it doesn't come across that way at all. My boyfriend is in the same situation, bad job, no money, lots of stress, bratty kid and add on top of that a huge tooth infection and getting the tooth pulled the other day. Man! What a grumpy person he was, ugh.

The only thing I can suggest is to spend a lot of time on your own. My guy went away for work for the next few days and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I just needed a break from all the complaining and snipping over the stress. I think women just deal with stress differently. We're programed to always be polite, think about what we're going to say, etc etc. And guys just blurt out whatever to whomever. They don't realize how it comes across at all.

Take a little break, make plans to go have lunch or go hiking with some friends and let him veg at home and destress a bit. Next time he snaps at you, calmly say "honey, I realize you're under a lot of stress, I wish there was something I could do to make it better but can you not snap at me like that? It really hurts my feelings."

[pretzel]

I agree that this isn't a recent development. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say he's always been this way.

Concerning the e-mail, I'll bet my house that he read it. He hasn't responded because it hit home and has really caused him to start taking a look at himself in this regard. I wouldn't press the issue too much right now but let it run its course for a little bit and see what happens.

[kygirl]

Thanks SP. I think you nailed it on the head. I try to filter how I react about things. I definitely vent, but I don't let that anger, frustration, etc flow over into other things. If I am upset after I come home from work, I get through it and move on with my evening because I don't want it to ruin my day. It's not worth it to me. I realize that work isn't everything.

I definitely think a couple days apart could be good except that we have a rehearsal dinner on Friday and a wedding on Saturday this week so we'll definitely not be completely away from each other. There will be other people at least though. Maybe I'll just tell him I need tonight and tomorrow to myself to get some things done, so we can mellow about before everything this weekend.

I think he realizes that he hurts my feelings when he says things like that, but sometimes I think he just chalks it up to me being too sensitive. I don't think he realizes how bad it makes him look when he acts like that. And he just will go from being a ton of fun to having this look on his face in 2 seconds. I know exactly when it's bothering him, and I would let it go and I have in the past except now it's becoming several times an evening that he thinks about it. It's like my attempts to bring him to reality and to try to make him realize what's important just come off to him as I don't get it. It's not that at all really. I just don't complain as much as he does.

[kygirl]

I agree that this isn't a recent development. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say he's always been this way.

Concerning the e-mail, I'll bet my house that he read it. He hasn't responded because it hit home and has really caused him to start taking a look at himself in this regard. I wouldn't press the issue too much right now but let it run its course for a little bit and see what happens.

I am going to try and see how he acts from now on. I just hope it doesn't keep up. It's my birthday next week, we already don't get to celebrate on the weekend because we have two weddings to attend back to back. I just want him to be in a good mood. I'm a positive person. Even when I'm sad I try to figure out how to fix it and make it better. I believe life is about living and appreciating those around you.

I don't expect him to be Little Miss Sunshine like I am. I think that'd be unrealistic, because I am ridiculously naive and full of faith at times. I get that. I want to trust and believe. BUT at the same time, I dont' think it's healthy to let something like a job control your life. It's not that he's working super later or traveling a ton or anything. He just lets himself start stressing about things that might never happen. He lets that affect everything else and I think when it gets to that point, you have to seriously evaluate what you'd rather have...A job that doesn't need you, that can get rid of you at any moments or people who love you and care about you and support you.

[pretzel]

Your last paragraph is something that many people, myself among them, have a difficult time distinguishing. It's taken me a long time to realize that I work to live, not live to work. But I'm alot older so my priorities are no longer the same and I seriously couldn't say that when I was your age.

Balancing emotions is a life long struggle for many of us. Sometimes we lose focus as to what is important in our lives. However as I've learned you do get through them and you learn valuable lessons about yourself when you have to deal with them.

What I will say is that you better put the law down about not being in a ****y mood over the weekend. That's not fair to you.