[bebano]

Me and my co-worker became friends last year and really close ones. After couple months of just talking and texting 24/7 we realized we are both physically into each other, so we started sleeping together, nothing between us really changed we kind a separated our sex life from our "friends" life and it was cool until at work everyone started asking are we going out... I guess we were showing more then we knew to others... and its been year we been in this "Friends with benefits" but I got emotionally attached to him. So, now after year I told him, I still want to be his friend but I really want a boyfriend not someone I just sleep with and are friend with him.. and I told him after I come back from my vacation he needs to decide if he is ready for relationship or just friendship but no more sex.... He told me that he is not ready for relationship before my asking him to make a decision cause his school and his kids its hard to have a relationship on top of that and job... I made my needs clear and loud.... he claims we still CAN BE friends like we use to since he tells me EVERYTHING and I tell him everything.... only difference is I am emotionally attached and I told him this, but he never said he was.... he just told me he thought this arrangement worked for me... and he would always want to be friends whatever he decides........ so I am trying to keep my distance until he figures it out... but he is texting me non-stop, calls waits for me like old times really doesn't mention whole relationship thing.... I am going on vacation... I am so confused... should I just leave him alone or ask him when I come back... or wait for him to say... feels so high school and I am so old ) any ideas....

[jns]

FWB works so well for a lot of guys, but not so well for a lot of women after a while. Since the situation hasn't changed for them, they see no reason to upgrade it into a full relationship. You should ask him again to commit or leave. Either way you have an answer. If he decides to leave, spend your time looking for someone who wants a real relationship. Backing a relationship, even a FWB one, down from an intimate one to a normal one is going to be very hard and probably won't work.

[bebano]

Thats my problem even if we do stay just friends I am thinking since we do work together who is it that he thinks we can be just friends?? its ... not even possible cause I would always feel hurt.

[SaharaJim]

Tough situation. Very few relationships that were "understood" to be "friends w/ benefits" can go from that back to friends w/out benefits without someone getting "Hurt""angry" or disappointed". Here you had a relationship and now want to change the"rules". He is unready or unwilling to change the rules and thinks that you can continue to be "friends". Does he really believe that the situation will be such that no "benefits' will occur or does he think that if he is patient that the
"benefits" will eventually begin again? You will "always feel hurt"?....because he refused to transition into Girlfriend/boyfriend? Would you continue to supply "benefits" on the belief that he would realize he is about to lose a "good thing"? Or would you cut all contact off? Difficult given the work situation- hence the "advice" not to get "involved" at work. From what you post I think you have already made YOUR decision..he commits or he's out. I think he has to choose. If he chooses to end the relationship be polite but FORMAL with him at work and do NOT meet with him out side the job. Good luck.

[bebano]

I think I made my decision ) just like you said. I think if he wanted to be in relationship he would have been already. What is really funny, I think deep down he really does think we can make it back to JUST FRIENDS, but then why wouldn't he? He will always find people to sleep with and its not like he was emotionally attached. I think I will always feel little hurt as much as I do hide it, I will for just one reason. If you are really close with me as a friend and you have trust in me, and you sleep with me, and work with me and talk to me 24/7 just like you would to your girlfriend, where you at, what you do, when you got issues you call me you don't call your some friend over there... when I saw all this and kind a realized... he wants a relationship or something like it, he just doesn't want a title or commitment.... to JUST me unfortunately. Usually people think when you say benefits its sex part... but what is funny me and him didn't have that benefit for 4 months straight and still TALKED and saw each other and hanged out... because his kids moved in with him.... so thats when I realized this isnt about sex this is about more then that he just doesnt want that commitment...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The problem is there is a label.. You both put that label on it.

Certainly women get attached, emotionally attached, bond, after sex, it is always a bond.. But, the guy can be carefree until someone wants "serious" .. He wants your friendship because you actually work well together but he only ever saw you as someone to confide with and have sex with.

You can't be hurt sweet, as that was the rules from get go.

And, because that's how it started he never saw it any differently.

Your right, he doesn't want commitment he has more than one child, young, it didn't work, non trust, not interested.

Don't waste your life... You deserve now to realise you are important.. That was a decision you made then, maybe you weren't looking, wanting or maybe you "thought" it would turn into something, it rarely does.

Naturally, it's still been a realationship of sorts, you've bonded different, as friends.

Only you can decide if you can view this as a lesson, as something that you can take with you on the next journey and be friends... But feeling hurt, should go out the window...

2 Kids, 3... payments monthly... you married, a child, .. lots of things may not be what you would have wanted from this man, maybe he's helped you through a part of your life, wasn't your soul mate and it's all OK.

CW

[bebano]

So right... but I am thinking while I work there I will always have my feelings attached to him. & at times when I do ask for him not to communicate with me he always ends up texting or waiting.... and who am I kidding I have feelings for guy... Thing is how to get over feelings? and forget him....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, he still wants to be friends, have someone to confide with, if possible, have someone he can sleep with as well, without commitment.'
'
So, as he has nothing now to offer you except his "own" personal needs to be fulfilled is that enough to change those feelings in that understanding? '
'
He will text, he will wait because he will expect you will be weak and give in, again....
''
Your mature enough to know that you don't deserve to be used.... ''
'
See it as that is how it will be.. It's closure time and time for you to find that boyfriend. You can't do that whilst emotionally attached and to someone whom doesn't want to be attached rather, use you for conversation, sex, things he is missing in his life but not prepared to give anything else.
'
'CW

[bebano]

Thank you !! ) I guess I will have to stop being weak and get a boyfriend.... funny thing, I tried that earlier and didnt work I need to leave this " uncommitted" guy alone.