[pretzel]

I think you've hit the operative theme here "she forgets"

I'd be a bit hard pressed to think that this is the first time the phrase "she forgets" has entered into play.

[Ashlee T.]

Pretzel, I think that's the whole thing for me. Just feeling like they've known him for such a short period of time, have really only been around him through me (until yesterday), yet she says things to me like that I've put THEM in this unfair impossible situation.

It's not impossible. All it required was putting themselves in my shoes for a second. I even told her, "I know you...and I know how bad this would hurt you if this were you instead of me". All it required was some empathy, some compassion, some THOUGHT to someone that considered them two of my best friends.

And yeah, I agree with her that's its very unfair. It's unfair to treat someone like that who's been such a big part of your life. It's unfair to respond so defensively, to insult me and put me down when she knows I'm hurt. It's unfair to even put my ex and I on the same "playing field" here. It's unfair to even insinuate that this situation is SO difficult for THEM, when I've not once asked them to shun him...and when I seem to be the one here who's been disregarded. If they asked him to a cookout I was going to I'd be fine with that. He and I are cordial, get along fine. It's the simple fact that they decided for me that I didn't want to go without asking me. Then they didn't care enough to tell me (even earlier that day when we talked on the phone) that they were thinking of inviting him and how would I feel about it.

Whether it had been a trip to the mountains, to Florida, to WHEREVER, it's the simple fact that my feelings weren't considered. Then in having my feelings hurt over it, I'm insulted and made out to be an inconsiderate person who needs to learn that other people have feelings. I'm made out to be the bad guy that has put THEM in such a bad situation....when I am the one that come January will get to sit back and watch my EX boyfriend go on vacation with my family and my friends.

[pretzel]

BD, I'm in 100% agreement with you. As I said in an earlier post, there should have been some degree of consideration given to you before your cousin's husband extended the invitation. I think sourpuss may be right in that he did this on his own (even if they had discussed it prior). At that point the damage was done.

I personally think it's less about the ex and more about the inconsiderate nature of the type of invitation, not necessarily the invitation itself. I mentioned it and you just reconfirmed this, it's not a cookout or a casual engagement. This is a family event (even if other friends are involved) being run by your family.

[Ashlee T.]

I think sourpuss may be right in that he did this on his own (even if they had discussed it prior). At that point the damage was done.

Normally I'd be eager to blame him for this. And while he takes his share of the blame (admittedly) that he should have considered my feelings before accepting their invitation, they key is that they extended the invitation to him, he did not invite himself. My cousin even told me that....that they invited him and he jumped at the opportunity. My ex is not a bad person in the least, but he is well known (by me) for being impulsive and not thinking things through.

I am hurt by the fact he didn't put himself in my shoes and consider me. But I'm way more hurt by my cousin and her husband, not only for the invitation and lack of consideration, but for then responding so negatively and defensively to me, insulting me...making me out to be the bad guy.

Being hurt by someone you're dating/have dated is one thing. Being hurt by people that are supposed to know you better than anyone else, and love you through anything is a whole different story. I really don't get hurt easy. But when I do, I become a Master Carpenter and start building walls.

[Ashlee T.]

I think sourpuss may be right in that he did this on his own (even if they had discussed it prior). At that point the damage was done.

Errg sorry for the multiple posts, I tried to add this but had run out of my editing time. After rereading I realized you may have been talking about my friends husband here, not my ex. And if so, you're right, he was the one that did the inviting. But she was sitting there. I wouldn't have expected her to intervene and say "no wait, don't you think she should consider BD in this?" (even though that would have been nice), but I at least expected her to text me, call me, tell me what had happened so I wouldn't be blindsided by it. And even if she didn't call, I at least expected her to explain the situation and show some empathy for me knowing I would be upset by it. So even if the damage was done by her hubby (who I also thought was a very close friend of mine), she could have thought of me and shown me some compassion.

[pretzel]

Errg sorry for the multiple posts, I tried to add this but had run out of my editing time. After rereading I realized you may have been talking about my friends husband here, not my ex. And if so, you're right, he was the one that did the inviting. But she was sitting there. I wouldn't have expected her to intervene and say "no wait, don't you think she should consider BD in this?" (even though that would have been nice), but I at least expected her to text me, call me, tell me what had happened so I wouldn't be blindsided by it. And even if she didn't call, I at least expected her to explain the situation and show some empathy for me knowing I would be upset by it. So even if the damage was done by her hubby (who I also thought was a very close friend of mine), she could have thought of me and shown me some compassion.

That was my whole point.

[sourpuss]

Could be that the two of you are so close that she didn't think to tip toe around and apologize. It would have been nice, yes. But I think once two people are close some of those manners get forgotten because they are comfortable. Sounds like you have a good relationship and nothing was done to hurt anyone's feelings.

[KMonte85]

Aw, wow BD I can see why you're upset. That's kind of a crock...

You're feelings weren't considered and they should have been. Obviously you know its not your place to tell your friends and family who they can invite to their vacation, but for them to extend that invite to your ex (not you) and then not even give you a heads up is hurtful - I've been in a (sort of) similar situation with an ex becoming best friends with a relative, and some hurt feelings that came from situations after our breakup.

As for the angry comments back and forth w/ your cousin - Well, maybe I need to take off my rose-colored spectacles, but I might chalk this up to some serious miscommunication via technology. I just find it hard to believe that someone you are so close with could be so callus to your hurt feelings. I really think she misinterpreted your text as you jumping on her, not you expressing how you feel, and she became defensive. It seems like any conversations like this not done in person can quickly escalate into something it should NOT be.

Any way you can meet up with her for coffee or lunch, and clear the air? Tell her you were upset and why, and give her a chance to better explain her situation and perhaps even apologize?

[Ashlee T.]

Could be that the two of you are so close that she didn't think to tip toe around and apologize. It would have been nice, yes. But I think once two people are close some of those manners get forgotten because they are comfortable. Sounds like you have a good relationship and nothing was done to hurt anyone's feelings.

She offered me no compassion. When I told her it just felt really awkward to me for my ex boyfriend to be invited on vacation with my family and friends and for me not to be invited or even considered. Her response was basically, "I know this may feel awkward to you but there's really nothing I can do about that". Not a lot of compassion or understanding in that. Then she proceeded to explain how my ex had always seemed interested in going (which is true, but so I had, we had expressed interest in going as a couple) and how this was just so unfair. Then started the whole "you need to realize other people have feelings and different perspectives in this situation".

I wasn't expecting any sort of formal apology. Just a heads up, girl to girl, friend to friend, cousin to cousin......ya know, a "here's what just happened, please don't be upset about it" bla bla bla. But I got nothing, zero, zilch, nada. To her, it was ALL about how I had made them feel, like they're stuck in the middle when there should be no middle to be stuck in.

[Ashlee T.]

I would find it hard to believe that someone you are so close with could be so callus to your hurt feelings. I really think she misinterpreted your text as you jumping on her, not you expressing how you feel.

I've never jumped on her for anything, ever. So perhaps she did jump to that conclusion, but her response seemed overly defensive to me for someone who didn't think they'd done anything wrong.

And it seems very ironic that this very person has told me she didn't think my ex and I should try to be friends....... yet they invite him on a family/friend vacation instead of me.

I agree. Kind of a crock. And definitely, definitely very hurtful.