[aarrueba]

WHY after 4 years? Because it HASN'T been 4 years. You have gone back and forth on an emotional roller coaster with this guy for 4 years. You haven't once actually let this go and allowed yourself the freedom to move on. Dating others doesn't qualify when you're still going back and forth communicating with this guy or having "FWB" with him. You will NEVER be FWB with this guy because there are too many emotions in there for you. Now, he's got a new girl and you're freaking out. Isn't that proof to you that you've never truly let this go and given yourself a chance to get over it?

I watched a friend go through this. Her first love. Relationship was rocky and terrible and lasted around a year. They finally broke up for good, but my friend hung on. After a year passed of her still grieving, I found out that she had been finding excuses to contact her ever so often. Just enough to get her hopes up, only to be let down over and over. 3 years...4 years....and finally one day when she said she'd never get over her...I said "Then that's a self imposed sentence of pain and torture." I think it clicked for her for some reason. She finally heard me. "As LONG as you keep the ties between you, you will continue to have hope, and you will not move on.". It's not fair to the guys you're trying to move on with, because you're going into it USING them to try to get over someone else that you haven't even begun to let go of yet.

Do you want to be the old lady in the food court? If you don't cut your ties with this guy and quit spinning your wheels chasing after the past, you could be.

Cut the ties. ALL of them. No phone, no text, no facebook, no email. Ignore any attempts he ever makes to contact you. Period. THAT is when you'll know you're serious about truly getting on with your life.

Wow this is so true. I dated a girl for about a year and we broke up around the beginning of June. This whole time I've been totally obsessed with her, what is she doing, who is she dating, what is she thinking, where is she working. blah blah blah. We didn't talk at all for about 3 months and then for my own selfish reasons i started calling her again and trying to hang out with her. I told her we could be just friends but what an incredible lie I told to myself. from what I can tell the relationship is a closed case for her, and she apparently has already begun dating and breaking up with other people, and me being around this and hearing about it is absolute torture. I just can't imagine how she can profess to love me for a year (she dropped the L Bomb first in the relationship and I officially classify this as my first love. I've dated other girls but this is my first serious relationship that where I actually at one time considered marriage a possibility) and then freaking replace me like some dirty underwear. I can't describe how used and violated I feel about this. That's how I feel, the truth is that I know she has serious emotional issues and was in a longterm relationship right before we started dating. So she went from him to me and is now going from me to someone else. It's not at all surprising and really I know that I don't own her and all things considered she has actually been handling it very well. I don't know why I can't leave well enough alone. there's some sick, perverse satisfaction I get out of continuously contacting her after telling myself I wont. After figuring out that she's lying again and acting crazy and accusing me of things I never did and it's all the same old ****. There are good reasons we broke up. She's no good for me and I'm not good for her. That's where I'm at now. I texted her this morning that I still love her and that's why we can't be friends. I'm not sure of the wisdom of exactly how it was accomplished but we are now unfriended and mutually blocked on FB, I can't block her number from my phone but truthfully she never called me when we had our period of not talking. So I know she won't call unless I initiate. Like I said she's done with it. I'm the one sitting here awake at 2:30 am pounding away at this keyboard telling the go**** internet my problems.
thank you internet for listening to my ****. I know I need to be done with this. I know it's killing me. I've had murderous rage where I imagined doing some sick OJ type **** and that still comes and goes but I know the anger and rage is really just a mask for the hurt. I am really hurt by all this. I need to change my actions and not contact her. She's already made it clear that she's moved on and I need to follow her lead.

[jns]

You need to move on. First loves can be very hard to break from. If a girl loves you, you don't have to be controlling or obsessive. Please don't be. Cut all attempts at contact. Consider that you chose wrong the first time. Figure out what characteristics you want in a long term relationship and start working on dating girls with some of those characteristics.

[nadiaM]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're still suffering so much, 8 months after your break up...
I usually try to focus on all the bad aspects of the past relationship and of his personality to get over it. Try to keep the bad and forget the good.
Meeting new people and having adventures also help.
Whatever pain you're feeling now, be sure it will leave someday and you'll be happy again for sure.