[muskrat]

My boyfriend is a second year teacher and 30 years old. He has grown up a lot in the last few years and become much more stable of a person, which is great. But....it seems almost every month he runs out a money one or two weeks before his pay check arrives and be completely broke. For example, right now he has $50 for the next 7 days, including the weekend. He went to lunch today at Chili's and spent $11 on food, leaving him with $39 for the remaining 6 1/2 days. His cell phone has been turned off and he can't turn it back on until after he is paid. Sometimes he borrows money from his parents and sometimes from me which I resist as much as possible so that he can learn. Sigh...

He means a lot to me and I am very much emotionally attached to him. With that said, I am a very logic oriented person and see that he makes poor decisions with his money and it puts both of us in precarious situations. When we argue about this he says, it could be so much worse. True. But I am not basing my decisions on how much worse it could be as much as how much better it can be. His parents have a decent living and have bailed him out whenever things got rough, and unfortunately he doesn't have any fear of not having money.

I don't know if he is learning through his mistakes or just continuing to do the same thing. Thank you for letting me vent~~

[LanaBear]

It doesn't sound like he is learning because there is always someone to 'bail' him out.

Vent all you need and welcome to the forum!

[muskrat]

Thanks Lana..I'm 28 and at a time in my life when I can't help but think about the future. I want someone I can depend on. I go behind his back and check his bank account to see what he is spending money on. I know this is deceptive, but I don't trust he will tell me the truth and I feel like I need to know. I want to have a family one day and I want to know the person I am with can be counted on. I've been with him for a little over a year and we live together. I depend on him for support. I feel like the only way to change things is to leave. I don't know if I will be making the right decision though because I love him. I don't love how he handles money though and unfortunately that is a huge factor in a relationship. This is the first real relationship I've been in and the first time I have ever had to consider these things.

[LanaBear]

Well, IMO, he needs to know there are consequences to not being responsible. The wants you have are not outrageous. You want a PARTNER, not somebody who you have to babysit because if irresponsibility. He's old enough to know better.

Maybe you separate for a few to see if he can turn things around. It doesn't mean you have to stop seeing each other, you love him, that is understandable. But, he needs to realize that you can't be with someone who you don't feel can be counted on.

Money and sex.... Two of the biggest problems in relationships. You got to get a hold of them before you make any lifelong commitments because they will fester and blow up in your face in the future.

[Mes T]

I have a similar problem with my boyfriend, he has borrowed money (and paid me back) every single month for the past 5 months or so, the amount of money heavily increasing each time. I'm 24 and he's 31, so part of me is like... you've had 7 more years on this earth to figure out how to budget yourself, and here's this young girl bailing you out every time? I'm kind of hoping that this will resolve itself on its own, but... if not... then I need to have a very, VERY serious talk about it... And I don't really want to do that just because I know that he feels a lot of guilt and shame about the whole situation. Meh. I dunno. Some people need some kind of kick, I guess, to learn...

[WildChild]

You have to start not being able to bail him out. Lana is right, being a partner does mean having someone's back but not enabling negative behavior. This doesn't serve either of you. If you keep this up and he doesn't change where will you be?

[KMonte85]

its hard, my bf had money troubles too... just being stupid, spending beyond his means, buying frivolous things banking on the "fact" that he will get overtime. Then the overtime stopped, but the credit card bills didn't - imagine that? Credit company started calling him at all hours, he was getting final statements in the mail, it was ridiculous. A man working a full time job with decent pay, and getting subsidized by his part time job should not have this problem.

It didn't bother me so much until we started living together, and his bad money management led to me paying all the household expenses. That resulted in me getting resentful, and eventually (after 3 months), laying it out on the table in a well, "frank" discussion that he needed to get his spending under control and pay his bills or he needed to move out.

Basically, you have to talk to him seriously about what he's doing. And don't let him just cast your conccerns aside with weak excuses (it could be worse). He needs to know that you want to spend your life with him, but you will not live a life of "paycheck to paycheck," and you're serious. A responsible adult does not live that way, and anyone who wants to have a stable future, children, and be able to retire before they die should learn to live within their means.

[rcoreyus]

Its worth trying to understand why he behaves as he does. Was the $11 lunch with friends - maybe he is too embarrassed to admit that he has money problems. Men can be very sensitive about their financial situation. Before you give up, try to figure out why he does what he does - then maybe you can see if there is a way to fix it.

[rachface]

I am having the same problem. The only difference is my boyfriend does not get bailed out. He spends money on frivolous things and then complains about how broke he is...I often end up paying for things because I want to go out and do fun things. He says well just don't pay for anything. So basically our relationship would be pretty unfulfilling and we would just "hang out." I will tell you this...If you have been saying for months or years well he still hasn't changed he probably won't for a long time. We can't make men or anyway change and they must do it on their own. So the question is are you willing to accept his behavior at the moment or are you hoping he will change? How long are you willing to wait? I know the answer to these but being a woman and emotionally attached to a guy makes it difficult to let go and I completely understand. I guess we have to have faith we deserve better and we can find some one better. It is very hard.