[lsarkiss]

I have been with my husband for 7 years. We went through college together. We are such an incredible couple that everyone who sees us says that they have never seen anyone more suitable for each other or more in love. We got married a month ago. We both come from traditional eastern families. It is a tradition that during the wedding the parents give expensive gifts to the bride and groom. We did our wedding with our own money (mostly the money my husband has earned with his hard work). I loved this ring and when his parents asked me what they should get for me, i told them about the ring. Since his parents dont work and are supported by his sister, she went and bought the ring for me. My mom is a single parent and has worked very hard for all of her life. She bought my husband a $5000 Rolex and a gorgeous $6000 set for me. His sister just got me the $1400 ring I loved. that was never an issue. I am not materialistic nor do I care about these values (they are just a relevance set). So on my wedding day, my in-laws conveniently forgot the only gift they got us. After our honeymoon, I asked my sister-in-law to send me the ring (we moved to another state after our wedding) and she did not respond. Then I asked my husband to talk to his family because I loved that ring and I really wanted it and it just didnt make sense that they would buy it for me but not give it to me. Then my mother in law told him that she wants to make it special and give it to us only if we came over. This made no sense so I contacted my sister in law again, I really ****** liked this ring. So then there was no response. I was so hurt! I thought the only real reason why they would not give me the gift would be because they did not think I deserved a gift for my wedding. So I wrote a civil email to my sister in law in which I ONLY said that it hurt me that they would not give me my present, why would they withhold it? did they think I did not deserve it? So she replied with this jealous fit (my husband has 2 sisters and they are both over 30 and not married, they don't have and boyfriends and are dying of jealousy that i am married, like it's my fault). She said "I dont believe you mention the ring when there are so many other 'issues' "(issues I have never heard before). So she went on to call me an immature . She said they they were offended when after my wedding my husband and I went to a hotel to spend our first night and did not come over to their house (where the walls are thin, my husband's room is a closet and a bathroom that were together combined into a room for him, and where they had 3 more strange relatives from Canada staying at their home whom none of us, not even them, have met before the wedding). And bunch of other "issues" that her envy did not allow her to overcome. She just went on with insults and an attack. I was very upset, I cried and my husband said that he talked to his mom about the ring and HE told her that it was ok if she did not gift it to me. So it was not about the ring anymore but the fact that my husband whom I knew for over 6 years did not back me up on something I wanted and something I was so hurt about. He did not tell his sister anything about the email. So I decided that I should protect myself and if he did not stand by me than I would do it for him. I wrote an email going sentence after sentence of my sister in law's letter and responding to every "issue" she had. I was honest and did not say any insults (nothing like her calling me a or immature). I told her the truth that her mother never worked a day in her life and that she went around claiming she has blistered hands because she works so hard for us (cleaning her own yard seems to her like a help to us), that their old traditions made no sense to us because we just wanted to have a romantic wedding night by ourselves.... So she responds with a furious email saying "how dare you poison my brother's mind against his mother" she says she cannot stand me and that I should never come over to their house or communicate with them because none of them respect me and want to have anything to do with me. Then she sends the sweetest email to my husband about how hurt she is and how she had to protect her family against my evil tongue and how they all want only his happiness.
So my husband gets mad at me and does not back me up again, he says nothing to his sister about hurting my feelings. He stops talking to me. Every time I ask him to talk about it he avoids me. He stays at work late and goes to work on Weekends just so he doesn't have to face the issue. He talks sweetly to his family several times a day and he avoids me in our own home after being married for a month!!!!!!!!! I feel betrayed and so heartbroken. How could I have rusted a man like him for so long, that he would protect me no matter what and that he would love me more than anyone on Earth. He put his family before me and he took their side. He did not trust me when I told him I heard his aunt talk about me on my wedding day, he called and asked them and they all gossip about their own aunt and what a "Devil" she is behind her back, but when he asked if anyone heard something, they all pretended like she is the sweetest angel and like I am making it up. Does a marriage in which he does not support me, protect me, trust me or back me up when I need him to worth anything???? What should I do? I have been only married for a month and I already hate my life. My new home is a prison for me. I have no one in the new city where we moved for his work. i left everything behind me for him only to see him betray me like that the first time I ever needed him to back me up. I cannot believe this. I have thought of jumping from my balcony and committing suicide (I am afraid I am not strong enough to finish it all and have to be stuck in this misery). I have no job but I have a degree from a good University (I have been doing medical research for past 2 years which pays nothing and have been supported by him). I do not know how to get out of this situation, where to go what to do? I cant go back home because of our social backward thinking circle that will ostracize me and my family because I am divorced. I don't think I can ever trust someone who at the first chance he got betrayed me like that. I dont think I can ever love him the way I did when I married him. Please help me, what should I do?????????

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My new home is a prison for me. I have no one in the new city where we moved for his work. i left everything behind me for him only to see him betray me like that the first time I ever needed him to back me up. I cannot believe this. I have thought of jumping from my balcony and committing suicide (I am afraid I am not strong enough to finish it all and have to be stuck in this misery). I have no job but I have a degree from a good University (I have been doing medical research for past 2 years which pays nothing and have been supported by him). I do not know how to get out of this situation, where to go what to do? I cant go back home because of our social backward thinking circle that will ostracize me and my family because I am divorced. I don't think I can ever trust someone who at the first chance he got betrayed me like that. I dont think I can ever love him the way I did when I married him. Please help me, what should I do?????????

Why do you feel like it's a prison? Why do you feel suicidal? I can't see that he has betrayed you, he is soft natured yes? Doesn't want to hurt anyone...

Love is real.. You can't love and then no longer love, over someone not wanting to hurt someone... There's more behind this.

The ring is something you wanted.. but is it really all that important? It's a ring... Material goods. Is that worth losing your marriage over?

I wrote an email going sentence after sentence of my sister in law's letter and responding to every "issue" she had. I was honest and did not say any insults (nothing like her calling me a or immature). I told her the truth that her mother never worked a day in her life and that she went around claiming she has blistered hands because she works so hard for us (cleaning her own yard seems to her like a help to us),

But, in my opinion you did insult his Mother... You put her down and then claimed she was a lier.. Can you see that?
[/QUOTE]

IDK.. It seems to me they miss their Son, they have traditions, they have their "old" ways... They wanted to give you the ring in person, when you both visited and probably that visit, they expected you to sleep their on your wedding night, from the sound of what you are saying.

You can't change the way people think, their tradition, but you can gently tell them that you wanted something different, both of you, to have a night, that night, somewhere special and your sorry that you hurt them. It's evident they weren't aware that was your intentions both of you.

Your husband sounds like a kind soul.. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have married you.. But, he cares for his family and doesn't want to hurt them, that's all... Don't view it as not sticking up for you.

We don't judge anyone on this Forum.. But, I want to say to you that what's more important, working towards your marriage, or writing emails, letters, feeling the way you do, over the family. Over a ring..

CW

[jns]

Please help me out and tell me what culture you are from. It sounds like divorce or annulment are reasonable options, but I am not sure I understand. Will you be able to get a job? Can you make it on your own or with a little help from your mother? With him taking his sister's side, is he going against his marriage vows? Could you possibly find a new husband outside of your culture if it is a problem within it? Will a divorce be hard on your mother?

[sourpuss]

The ring is something you wanted.. but is it really all that important? It's a ring... Material goods. Is that worth losing your marriage over?




Your husband sounds like a kind soul.. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have married you.. But, he cares for his family and doesn't want to hurt them, that's all... Don't view it as not sticking up for you.

We don't judge anyone on this Forum.. But, I want to say to you that what's more important, working towards your marriage, or writing emails, letters, feeling the way you do, over the family. Over a ring..

CW

Thank you CW, this is exactly what I was wanting to say. It's only a ring, no material object is more important than people. These people are your family now, good and bad. If you want your marriage to work you need to realize that and drop the ring, it's just a ring. If you dig your heels in and remain stubborn and the victim, you're only putting your husband in an even tougher situation than he's already in. If this goes on any longer, the hurt feelings from all parties involved may be too much to repair.

[Julietpinkrose]

I have only been married for 6 months myself so i still have a lot to learn about marriage...

The one thing i am learning is a husband has to support his wife and a wife has to support her husband..

It's hard to form a family with different traditions etc and when a couple first gets married the families do miss them.. so emotions will be running high at the moment, things will be said and done but it will settle with time.

Your husband seems like a soft natured person who loves his wife and his family .. so a situation like this may leave him torn on who he should stand by .... it will take time for everything to settle down and for the two of you to settle into married life, but in the meantime his family and you have to reach to some sort of middle ground. You dont want all this happening when children get in the picture.

Things will settle, just give it time, then sit down with them and sort it out because they are your family too now. There are times where you will be right, but there will be times where you will need to do the right thing by them too.

I Know you love that ring... but your happiness with your husband is more important then the ring... sort things out with him first and everything else will fall into place