[Lisa1971]

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and he started acting emotionally distant a few weeks ago.

Several things happened which made me think that perhaps he was emotionally and/or sexually committing to someone else.

He started going out drinking with another guy from work and coming in late - when i ask him where and who was there he is avoidant and other poeple from work have been out too.

He has become phyiscally distant - we dont have much of a sex life but now he is not kissing or hugging me either.

he is sitting downstairs on his PC until 4 in the morning playing PC games (he is a gamer) and avoiding coming to bed with me or hugging me.

Working more hours at work - until 10pm sometimes

I suppose the straw that broke the camels back was - he was out on Friday night with another guy from work and said that there would be a couple of women there as another guys friends.

When he came back at 4 in the moring very drunk he texted this to the fella he was out with (will type it all but not all relevant)

hello I have just arrived home and it is 4.30 adn not one to caste the first stone but Mr Watson managed to stay out the whole night ... admitendly i did lend him 20 to stay out at about 2.. but a bit like yourseld i take people at face value. Anyhow I managed to stay out of any seriious trouble but have to admit that my position with a member of my team did become a little bit more...comprimised. I other words I remain professional but remain un ful filled. Everything will be fine and I am lookinf forward to sunday.

The other fella texted back that he would forget about what happened and he was annoyed

I confronted him and he said he has not cheated. She came onto him but he knocked her back. if he is going to be accused of cheating he wished he had.

Help - not sure what to think.

[sourpuss]

What kind of relationship do you have with his friends? Could you ask one of them?
Whether he cheated or not, sounds like your relationship is in serious trouble and if one of you hasn't cheated yet, looks like it's headed that way.

Something is missing for him to not want to spend time with you, touch you, hug you, etc. Has there been a major change in the last few months? What was your relationship like before?

[pretzel]

Whether or not he had physical contact I think is less the point of your concerns. I'm in no way dismissing it, I'm not, but the behavior that led up to this latest incident is I think more important.

He may not have actually cheated, but he is cheating in a sense. He's cheating you out of the trust, loyalty, intimacy and respect that the two of you have built over the years. Ten years is a long time and maybe here or there when he went out with friends or co-workers he went a bit overboard (without stepping over the line), but it now seems it's a pattern and it's without regard to your feelings, assuming of course that since he didn't actually "cheat", he's done nothing wrong in his mind.

There's a reason for the dramatic change in his behaviors. That's where I'd start, what's changed?

[Lisa1971]

I don't know his work friends as he only started going out with them recently having had no interest before.

18 months ago I lost my job and this changed the relationship dynamics but I started my own business a year ago. I was depressed for about 3 months until I really got going with my business. I think this has had an effect but the changes have really been recent

[pretzel]

Given that, I'd say that his going out with work friends is just a reaction to other issues.

Couple of questions just for discussion purposes. Naturally losing a job is in and of itself a big deal especially when it involves losing income, is your new business successful enough that the loss of income has been eleviated to a degree? Does he see the success of your business a threat to his own work and finances? Has the business caused you to be more involved with that where he may feel that that is more important to you than he is?

Is it possible that even though the changes have been recent, these feelings have been building up and are now just manifesting themselves?

[Lisa1971]

Im not so sure that the business is especially important as the time i put into it is the same as being employed - more money tho.

I cant help but think that even if he has not been havng sex outside of the relationship something has cetainly been hapening - it is this breach of trust regardless of the reasons which is the most upsetting.

Not sure how to find out if he has been unfaithful or thinking about it as he is not a very good communicator at the best of times.

[jns]

You say he is a gamer, could he be involved with one of the addicting games that has people go to different places and do different things? Sometimes when people get involved with some of the elaborate games it could seem like cheating.

[stressed]

Quite a long message to write when drunk, what with all the "hidden" names and events in it. If he texted to the guy he was out with then why does it look like as if he's telling him what he had been doing from long before 2 a.m. up to the point he got home. It's as if he had to report to the guy about the hours he had missed. And why does he need to reassure the guy that everything will be fine. I also wonder what is going to happen on Sunday that he's looking forward to.

But text aside,

It doesn't look like he has cheated by that text, although he may be involved with something else. There's apparently a lot to discuss with these workmates all of the sudden, since he meets them so often and for so many hours. Plus, if they bring girls then why doesn't he invite you along? After 10 years of being together shouldn't you at least meet his friends? It's not about cheating, but he doesn't seem to involve you in his life in any way.

You should address the issues you mention in your first message. They are what they made you check his phone, read the text and wonder if he cheated. If his behavior hadn't changed you'd might not even notice. And once this doubt creeps into your head it's hard to make it go away. Talk to him about being distant, not about cheating. Ask him to go out with you instead of his workmates for once, to spend a little more time with you instead of games and work. If he's at work till 10 pm and meets his workmates during the weekends then he spends a lot more time with them than with you.

[Day Tripper]

That was a coded message to protect the guilty. Dump him or at least lock his out until he cools his jets or comes clean with you. I'm sorry to sound so cold, but, nobody in a caring relationship should be made to put up with any of that. There seems to be a few deep rooted problems, and, if you want to stay together, you might want to get some couple counseling. It couldn't hurt.

Day Tripper

[Lisa1971]

sunday was a work colleague wedding.

Christ - who ever said that life was easy is a liar.

We have talked again and he still maintains innocence - i can beleive that they have not had a sexual relationship - but it is the 'yet' factor and that he wants to that is just as important to me.

I broached relationship councelling last night and he was non-committal. For me i think this is going to be a relationship breaker either way as i still dont think he is being totally honest and am concerned I am going to become one of those women who check up on their partners whereabouts, phone etc...

The text still makes me feel ill. 'unfulfilled'!!!