[DNS]

dear Friends,

From past one month my Sis in law is staying with us along with my parent in laws, first of all my inlaws were always taunting and now after she come in they are doing it more. they dont talk to me properly when i go home after a tiring day of work... My SIL expects me to take holidays and go for shopping with her because she will be here only for 15 more days..but its not soo easy for me to take holidays.. they dont like me going to meet my parents.

My SIL talks very harshly with me, since she is 5 years elder to me i dont give back much to her. but couple of days when i was about to leave to office she started saying come back early and finish the houseold work as we have festival and my mom and keep doing it all. i told i always do my work and i dont sit and eat at home for that she is shouting that i am indrectly telling her that she is sitting at our home and eating..she always talks nonsense like this. i really dint mean that way...

if i say all this to my husband he understands me to some extent but doesnt go and talk to them directly saying not to hurt me like that.. he will say he cannot do that because his parents will feel bad..

everyday i get up at early morning 6.30 finish all the house work and go to office by 10am and come back home only by 10.30 in the night and again have food no one will be there to talk also as my husband comes back home only after 11.30 in the night..and after my dinner i will again have some work to do and go to bed.. no peace of mind at all just felt like sharing with someone and i like this forum very much..

[pretzel]

Hi DNS,

May I ask if yours was an arrainged marriage? I ask this only because I'm getting that impression.

[jns]

Where do you live and what do you do for work?

[DNS]

Hi DNS,

May I ask if yours was an arrainged marriage? I ask this only because I'm getting that impression.

Yes mine is an arranged marriage

[DNS]

I live in India, and i work for a multinational BPO company as financial analyst

[pretzel]

Hi DNS,

I'm trying to respond to many of the concerns you've had in other threads here simply because I think they're somewhat interrelated so please bear with me.

I know you've mentioned how you mother in law treats you when you're husband's not there. I wanted to make sure I knew for a fact that yours was an arranged marriage as I suspect your mother in law's was also. I tend to think that (and only making an assumption) that she sees your role in the more traditional sense of being solely wife and mother and not as much as an independant young woman. She may see you working outside the house and doing well for yourself as not being attentive to your "duties".

In your thread about your husband not willing to buy (prior to the additional info) you gifts as something you'd wish, I wonder if in looking at your in laws and their family dynamics, I would tend to think your father in law is pretty much the same as your husband in that material gifts are of less importance than in providing for the family. It may not necessarily be cultural, but I think in this instance this was the way your husband was raised and he may really know no different.

I'm just wondering that if the threads you've posted represent the beginning of a clash between tradition and new economics where it is becoming the norm for many Indian women who's families have long established traditions as it relates to marriage and families are now clashing with the success both professionally and financially of many Indian women?

[DNS]

Hi Pretzel

You analysis makes sense, i agree to your point that it could be a clash between the traditions for which Indian women are responsible for and sucess of us in several fields equally to men.. infact that an important fact to be accepted that we will face difficulties when we want both family and career..

what bothers me more is the straight forword comments that my inlaws pass and to give you a simple example last week my Sis in law was not well and my Father in law took her to hospital atleast 3 times and full time rest for her on bed even though she was quite normal and not soo tired and he bought all necessary medecines, food everything she wanted and took care of her like a baby.. now she is completely alright..

yesterday i got fever and i was not able to work also at office so went home early and they expected me to prepare food for the night and just asked me to take a tablet and sleep by morning i would be alright and after my husband came he gave me tablet and some biscuits to eat..and morning no one is bohered to even ask how am I except my husband..

[pretzel]

Hi DNS,

I wish I was more optimistic for you but I'm not certain your going to be able to cross that bridge as to how your in laws treat you and what they expect of you. I'm afraid they may very well be too engrained in their traditions for them to change. I also think they're setting their daughter up for a life similar to yours. Not knowing how old she is I would guess that when it's time for her to marry it'll also be arrainged and chances are it'll be to a man with similar views as themselves. It'll be a very rude awakening for her when the pampering stops and the expectations from her future in laws crashed down on her.

It's not easy being on the frontlines of cultural changes like you are. But keep in mind that your struggles will make future generations' lives better.

[DNS]

Hi Pretzel

my SIL is 31 year old lady and married for 4 years now.. she is come to our house to stay for couple of months.. she will go back again.. i am 25 now...and 8 months married now.. but i do agree that all women here have such problems some are lucky to get broadminded inlaws who has accepted the new views of life and some are still with old and new ways.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Pretzels answers are the best i have read on this Forum for along time, he took the time to read all of your posts/threads and analise and answer to assist in the best way possible.. Hats off to him.

Was your sister-in-law also in an arranged marriage?

How long will they stay with you?

How long have you been married?

And, if you don't mind, how do you feel about your marriage, the man, you married, in love, or lust, or neither?

CW