[Amber]

I want to find that someone special. I don't like being alone. I feel like a part of my life is missing. But people always say it is wrong to want someone to complete you.

But what if I am not happy with my life because I want that other person to complete it. Why is that so wrong? I have a job. I'm on my own, paying my own way. But I'm not happy because I want that man to complete my life. I want someone to laugh with, to tease me, to joke around with. I want someone to have serious talks with or a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to cuddle up with, to touch me, to love me. A companion to share my life with. Do I have to turn to a TV to make me laugh. A blanket to keep me warm. Blankets don't hug you back. TVs don't give you two way conversation or listen to you when you complain about your day. Or you can't go to a TV when you need to turn to someone for help. Is it so wrong to help each other. Doesn't mean you are not independent. I just don't understand when people say you don't need someone to complete you. That's wrong to want htat. I don't see what is so wrong with that. Because without that man, I do feel like something is missing from my life. Why is that so wrong?

It is one thing if you feel like your life is complete without that other person. That's fine if you are happy. But why is it wrong to feel like something is missing from your life without finding that special person.

I wish I knew where to find him.

[Mes T]

It's "wrong" in the sense that there are some people who go from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend, with no breaks in between to even give themselves enough time to recover. Those people NEED a man ALL THE TIMEEE, it's like an obsession or an addiction. And no man wants to go into a relationship knowing they are IT, they are sent by god to make this woman HAPPY, and without him she will wither and dieeee...

Those types of women sacrifice their friends, their hobbies, everything, and obsess over that one man. The relationship spirals out of control from there, with heightened emotions, jealousies, insecurities... What is she gonna think when her man comes home an hour late one day? Cuz if he's out doing something he shouldn't be, she's gonna be CRUSHED because she's soooo dependent on him...

Does that make sense? But if you're happy with your life, are your own independent person, strong, etc, and are just ready for someone to share all that with... then that's a completely different story. And it seems like this is the point you're at.

Happiness attracts people toward you but neediness doesn't, that's all there is.

[Texinator]

What Mes said.

The danger in thinking you need someone else to complete you is that you can become obsessed with love and then with hanging on to that love. It makes you prone to insecurity and jealousy, because you worry that he might be after other women or just getting ready to get rid of you. You're much more willing to settle for the wrong guy than wait for the right one. It turns into clinginess and desperation. Then, if you find a good guy, chances are the relationship won't last long, because clinginess and desperation are unattractive and he won't put up much with the insecurity. However, you're more likely to find someone else who is insecure and who might end up using and abusing you.

[Amber]

Well, I don't really fit into Mes category because it has been a year since my ex-boyfriend has dumped me.

As for Tex, during the relationship, I wasn't insecure. After a few dates, I finally calmed down. I didn't ask for his every move, afraid he was cheating on me. I still went to singles groups without him, so it wasn't like we spent all our time with each other. So I don't think I was completely dependent on him.

It was after he broke it off, that I fell apart. Then I guess my clinginess and neediness may have come into play because I didn't want to give him up. And neediness because I couldn't get use to the fact that he no longer wanted to show me the attention that he use to. And it wasn't like I had to have that attention during the relationship. He gave it to me. He was the one who wanted to see me every week, sometimes even more. And I went along with it because I was happy with him. He emailed me just as much as I did, which was a lot, every night. I gave him his space. i didn't ask for his every move. He spoiled me and I couldn't handle it when he took it away. So he probably saw me as needy and clingy afterwards. I probably was. He spoiled me for almost six months and that bam, it is all gone in the matter of minutes. It was like one day I had him and the next day he was packing up.

And then the fact that I had contact with him made it all the harder. He wanted to try the friend route. That made it all the worse for me. I could have denied being friends but I wasn't the one who wanted the relationship to end!! I tried being friends too early, before I was ready. it was six months but that wasn't enough for me to get over him. I felt guilty keeping him away from the single events that long, so I adjusted myself to getting use to being around him again. But it backfired on me big time because I wasn't over him yet. A lot of my feelings were gone for him but not all of it. There was still a part of me who couldn't let go. I started to have a good time with him again during the single events and he spoiled me some when he was there. But the summer he hadn't been around because he found someone else. I didn't understand why he wasn't really around until this past week. Everything came crashing down.

I don't know. i would like to believe I could go back to giving the next guy his space. The only thing I guess is how much space would he want. Because my ex did spoil me in some areas. I guess you need to take some and adjust in other areas.

I still want that next guy to come. I still feel like something is missing.

[Texinator]

Not that I thought you're clingy and desperate... I was just saying that's something that can happen if you become in love with being in love.

I guess wanting someone in our life can also be a matter of wanting to have someone with whom to share our love.

[Hopeless Dork]

Its not wrong to want someone in your life... I think its the wording 'someone to COMPLETE it' that puts a sour taste in some people's mouths. Someone to "complete' you implies that you are not a whole person, and you are or should be. Everyone wants some to ENRICH their lives.. but that is much different than completing you.

I think that when you found the one that makes your life better than it was without them there is a sense of completion, but it wasn't because you needed completing as a person. No one wants to 'fix someone' and saying you need someone to complete you implies that you are not all there.

Of course once you fall in love that person you love makes your life better than it ever was without them, but I think a man wants to feel like he's putting glitter on a star, making you shine a little brighter but boy oh boy you were shiny already. They don't want to start out with a spec of dust and turn it into a star. The love you share will brighten you both and without it, it would be a whole lot less sunny, for certain.

But inviting someone into your life should be about making it better, making it wonderful, making an already livable life 10x more worth living for. But it should not be about creating an exsistence for yourself which I think completing you implies.

[Amber]

I actually like the way you put it Hopeless Dork.

I use to write for the fun of it but stopped before the ex came into the pictures. I think i'm going to start again. It will help me get over the lack of emails. I'm actually looking forward to starting again. i stink at it but that is ok.

[pretzel]

I agree with HD in that the "complete" is a word not necessarily the best choice. I like her work "enrich" or to add my own "compliment" me.

The connotation of something lacking isn't appropriate for you.

[sourpuss]

No one is responsible for your happiness and 'completeness' but you. To want or expect anyone to do that for you is asking way too much. No one can do that for someone else, no matter how much they love that person. It's not healthy.

[WildChild]

HD and Pretzel put it well.
I understand very well the desire for connection and to have some one to share life with. But you need to be a whole person with a full life to share first.
You've only just gotten out on your own. Work on creating the life you want, as you do you will increase the likelihood of getting what you want.