[Lillybet]

I'm 37 and have been living with my boyfriend who's 47 for over 2 years. We've been trying for a baby for 18 months but we've got unexplained infertility. We've had all the tests, they all came back normal.

It seems like it's always been me driving the relationship, I always initiate sex, dates, it was me who suggested us moving in together.

He can be really grumpy and never hugs me or anything. I feel like he just goes along with sex, I don't feel like he really fancies me.

I alternate between thinking the good times outweigh the bad- we do love each other, have been faithful and have fun together when we're not arguing but he's just so unaffectionate and rude to me that sometimes I think I could do better.
We had a huge row recently and I left him for a few days. I'm now back at home and I wanted to make a fresh start but he keeps bringing up the same arguments and suddenly changed his mind last night about continuing to try for a baby. He now says we should out those plans on hold.

I really, really want a baby and I would like it to be with him, but am I just putting up with too much to get it?
How long should I wait for him to be ready again?
He said this morning he never wants to get married, I always thought we would. Is he just not that bothered about me?

He's been on 4 holidays this year and they've all been drinking holidays with the lads. He's invited me to the next one in a couple of weeks because the other lads are bringing their girlfriends.
I'm dreading it.

Should I leave him?

[WildChild]

I think you already know what you want to do. You aren't asking how to improve the relationship, you are asking if you should leave, that implies you see no hope for change.

[Ashlee T.]

The way I see this is, you're in this for the baby, not for the man. He sounds pretty dreadful from a relationship standpoint. I understand that you're at the age you feel like you have to have a baby NOW. But why would you want to bring a child into what seems like a loveless relationship? You're not happy, he's not happy, that seems very clear.

Of course he doesn't want to have a baby now. He's most likely just been agreeing to it to appease you anyhow. Your relationship is not good, you two aren't right for each other, why would he want to bring a child into this world and be tied to you for life?

It's time to accept the fact that your life may not go as you had planned for it to. Maybe you'll have to try artificial insemenation. Or perhaps adoption. But you need to do these things without him so that at least the door is open for someone to come into your life that will be a much better fit for you.

[Lillybet]

But I love him, and aren't all men grumpy sometimes?
I feel like I'm falling apart i just can't stop crying today.
I don't want it to be over, and he still wants to try. Don't you think there's any hope?

[sourpuss]

I think the two of you need to go to counseling to figure out what is going on and to communicate with one another. Please do not have a baby with this man until things are better.

[pretzel]

But I love him, and aren't all men grumpy sometimes?
I feel like I'm falling apart i just can't stop crying today.
I don't want it to be over, and he still wants to try. Don't you think there's any hope?

We all get grumpy but the question is what is it that is driving this,

Your initial post has a few red flags as far as i can see.

Start off with the baby issue. The ten year difference shouldn't be an issue but without medical evaluations, do either of you really know what the root cause is for not getting pregnant. Also there are more than one way to get pregnant or for that matter there are also alternatives to natural childbirth. Have these options been discussed?

He is somewhat indifferent to the intimacy part of the relationship but as you put it, is willing to do other things, fun things that don't necessarily involve sex and intimacy. Have the two of you talked about why he is this indifferent to you in an area where both of you should be willing partners?

BeautifulDisaster I think is asking a very important question. I think you might want to resolve this issue. I believe you yourself feel you clock is ticking and about to stop when it comes to children. Are you sure you're willing to walk away from him without knowing for sure if the infertility problems are a result of a physical inability on his part or a physical inability on your part.

WildChild may very be right in that you may already feel deep down what it is you want to do but may just be looking for the right reason. I'd hate for you to walk away but then have deep regrets down the line.

[Lillybet]

Thanks so much for your replies, it really helps to have some viewpoints on this.

We have had all the medical tests and there is no medical problem with either of us. Seemingly God just isn't willing on this one.

I think counseling might be a good idea, we don't seem to be communicating very well, it just seems like we go round in circles.

And yes I do feel really desperate to have my own baby but I'm not sure whether I'm prepared to go it alone.

I do genuinely love him I think I'm going to have to accept that the baby plans go on hold and try to work on the relationship, but I'm not sure whether it's going to be possible to make it work.

[Ashlee T.]

I think if you both want it to work, then perhaps you should take a step back and say "What do I really want?" "What is important to me right now?" If your main objective right now is to get pregnant, then you are in this for the wrong reasons. The main objective right now should be to look at this relationship, look at this person and ask yourself "is THIS what I want?". Are you okay with his lack of affection? His grumpiness? Are you okay having to initiate everything? Are you okay with not feeling desired by him? If you are NOT okay with these things, its important that he knows this is why you're unhappy as I'm sure he currently feels as though you have tunnel vision on pregnancy and that its all you really care about. He needs to know otherwise, that you love him for him and you want things to work. Then if he's not willing to make the effort, hit the road.

And as SP said, please do not try to get pregnant right now.

[Lillybet]

OK I won't.
Thanks so much for your help, I'll let you know how it goes.

[Olympia]

In agreement with the other posters..

It would seem from what you state.. You are in this for the Baby, first.. and him after. You have been together for 2 years and your relationship is stressed. Interests are not the same, communication is breaking down, and there seems to be alot
of pressure being applied. (you wanting a child and marriage)
I agree with BD, in that bringing a child into the world with these circumstances going on is a BAD idea. Working on the relationship, if you both truly love each other, would be the best solution. Then go from there.
I understand that time is ticking... But as pretzel stated, there are other ways to have a family.. Step back... think your priorities thru, and voice them with your boyfriend. If you can not communicate to each other now, it will not get any easier with a baby on board..