[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you have a batchelor, a bit of a cold fish, one who loves to go out with his mates ultimately, but needs someone in his life, (company)..

2 years together, trying for a baby, for 18 months means you were together for 6 months when this decision was made.. That's not a bad thing but what concerns me, is that your viewing your biological clock, and your with someone so have a baby, that baby, the one you've never had, so desperately want.

You have to look deep inside yourself here, your 37...

Do up a list, pros and cons, what does he bring to the table in happiness for you?

What is the constant arguement that you both have?

Did have have children, I suspect not, and is he only doing this because you want one, now he's backed off.

Can you live without affection?

Is it love or the want to be loved?

Are you happy to be tossed aside for drinking buddies, four times a year, he doesn't include a holiday for just the two of you...

If you had a baby, can you support it on your own? We all can, and will i know But, is this what you want or would you prefer to find someone that makes you feel special, you him, and have a child that receives love from both parents?

CW

[Tiptopshape]

Maybe the two of you were pretty much worked up just because of previously wanting to have a baby and failed. Igniting the relationship back can be helpful. Suggest going out on a holiday, just the two of you...and yes, counseling too. Rekindle the old feelings, find out what's wrong by opening up.
If there's still no progress after it, then I'm sure you pretty much what to do next. It's difficult for a one-way relationship to last, to be honest.

[Lillybet]

Maybe you're right. He's not out every night or anything.
We've been talking and he has agreed to try to be more affectionate and initiate dates and romance.

I think I need to give this one last chance so if I do end up leaving I'll know I've tried everything I can to make it work.
So, 2 month trial, no trying for babies...

We do truly love each other, so that has to count for something.

Thanks so much for all the support and advice. I'll keep you posted...

[Lillybet]

Yes the infertility has out a huge strain on things. Hoping we'll be able to go on holiday in February if we're still together by then.

[Allie602]

Maybe he has low testosterone has he been to the doc?

[Allie602]

But I love him, and aren't all men grumpy sometimes?
I feel like I'm falling apart i just can't stop crying today.
I don't want it to be over, and he still wants to try. Don't you think there's any hope?

Lillybet - you are distraught and right now I think you need some TLC and calm consideration. No one can tell you there is no hope. No one really knows this relationship but you. The fact that you want a baby and feel some urgency to have one with the man you are with is perfectly natural and normal.

What concerns me is that he spoke to you in such a fashion that you had to leave your own home! what was his reaction to your leaving, did he seem to mind? The drinking junkets are kind of strange for a man of his age. Has he been married before and does he have kids? Is he mature, working, focused on goals?

Don't be fearful of leaving him if you must, if you turn away from this and make your self available and open for someone else it will happen. Don't think about how much time you have left to have a baby, just set a goal that you want a strong committed man and a baby then relax.

Why should you not worry about time? Because it clouding your judgment and seeing all your options. Also the tension with this man may actually inhibit a pregnancy. Some of the biggest risk that I have taken in my life have always paid off, not exactly the way I expected but it happened. I am not a nut - I do believe that when you are fearless and have a goal and faith, life delivers.

So girlie, you have worked yourself into a box that exist in your mind and it is supported by people who have fear-based limiting beliefs. Calm down, think and do. Don't play this one safe, make the bold move.

It comes to my mind that maybe a forum is not a good place for you right now. You are more upset not less. Do you have family or friends you can call on now? Best of luck

[Lillybet]

Lillybet - you are distraught and right now I think you need some TLC and calm consideration. No one can tell you there is no hope. No one really knows this relationship but you. The fact that you want a baby and feel some urgency to have one with the man you are with is perfectly natural and normal.

What concerns me is that he spoke to you in such a fashion that you had to leave your own home! what was his reaction to your leaving, did he seem to mind? The drinking junkets are kind of strange for a man of his age. Has he been married before and does he have kids? Is he mature, working, focused on goals?

Don't be fearful of leaving him if you must, if you turn away from this and make your self available and open for someone else it will happen. Don't think about how much time you have left to have a baby, just set a goal that you want a strong committed man and a baby then relax.

Why should you not worry about time? Because it clouding your judgment and seeing all your options. Also the tension with this man may actually inhibit a pregnancy. Some of the biggest risk that I have taken in my life have always paid off, not exactly the way I expected but it happened. I am not a nut - I do believe that when you are fearless and have a goal and faith, life delivers.

So girlie, you have worked yourself into a box that exist in your mind and it is supported by people who have fear-based limiting beliefs. Calm down, think and do. Don't play this one safe, make the bold move.

It comes to my mind that maybe a forum is not a good place for you right now. You are more upset not less. Do you have family or friends you can call on now? Best of luck

Yes I do have friends and family, thanks for your message, I think you're right and that here might not be the best place for me right now. It's easy for people to judge him on what I've said on a bad day, but I think most relationships have huge flaws. Yes he has sperm, is working, was very upset indeed when I left. He's just an emotional cripple!
Thanks again for your message you seem very wise.

[Allie602]

Yes I do have friends and family, thanks for your message, I think you're right and that here might not be the best place for me right now. It's easy for people to judge him on what I've said on a bad day, but I think most relationships have huge flaws. Yes he has sperm, is working, was very upset indeed when I left. He's just an emotional cripple!
Thanks again for your message you seem very wise.

I wish the best for you.

[Guest]

In agreement with the other posters..

It would seem from what you state.. You are in this for the Baby, first.. and him after. You have been together for 2 years and your relationship is stressed. Interests are not the same, communication is breaking down, and there seems to be alot
of pressure being applied. (you wanting a child and marriage)
I agree with BD, in that bringing a child into the world with these circumstances going on is a BAD idea. Working on the relationship, if you both truly love each other, would be the best solution. Then go from there.
I understand that time is ticking... But as pretzel stated, there are other ways to have a family.. Step back... think your priorities thru, and voice them with your boyfriend. If you can not communicate to each other now, it will not get any easier with a baby on board..

i like your reply

[BabyGirl]

It seems your time clock is ticking to have that child 37, His is possibly Done ticking at 47.

Meaning that he realizes he is almost 50, he can if he wants "Retirement at 62-65". He may not want a child to be responsible for for 18 more years of his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend those years with you. It may mean he is looking forward to the later relaxing days of his 60's.

He also may be thinking finacial future. Kids cost money , lots of money, the basic cost of raising a child , not including emergencies or future education is about .. $160,140 thats Thousands to just age 18. this is not including " designer clothes, special wants , like toys or cell phones when older" Not including daycare or future sports or career intrest of child , day camp or summer camp or vacations, This is a basic, Child Survives until 18 !!

I understand you wanting to have a baby before you are too old ( in your biological clock ). A child to love and raise. Do you know how many children wish they had someone who wanted to be a mother as bad as you do ? Could you try fostering a child ? Be a foster mother , get kids from all ages that need your love ? Ones from newborn that so desparately need love and parenting to the ones that turn 18 and they throw them out of the system.

Even if you are foster parents and you break up, you can still adopt or keep the kids, if nothing else you have the love of that child for many years to come.

I am a foster kid, I am 55 now, and still call them Mom & Dad. and I have " Fostered" many kids throught the years..

You have options.. Being a mother does not mean giving birth, being a father does not mean giving sperm.. Being a parent means giving Love to thos who need it .