[kygirl]

Okay, so everyone knows (mostly) that the BF and I have been together about 9 months now. We generally get along great, we have managed to work through numerous issues and generally he has just been a good match for me. There is just one big issue pending...The Divorce.

Now in all honesty, I knew he was getting divorced when I met him. I knew it could be a while. What I didn't realize was that part of the delay would come simply because he wouldn't invest the time he needs to in it. Over the last month, it really started to bother me. We've got a class on wills and estates this semester and all the thoughts about what happens if you're still married, and etc I think it just really started to sink in that I was dating a married guy. Separated, yes, but still married.

I used to jokingly say things about as long as it's finalized by________ or even we'd jokingly stab at the fact that technically he was still married and needed to get it resolved. Now, here we are 9 months later and it's not done. We had a discussion about this last week and again this week because I'm trying to convey my feelings about it and the fact that it's been bothering me, but I can't make myself not think about it. It's eating away at me. Partially because he just *now* decided to get an attorney involved on his side and because he just didn't seem to take the initiative to do anything about it till I talked about it.

I feel myself being sad sometimes when I am around him. All I can think about when we're together is the divorce and how much longer it can take and whether he's going to keep pushing now that he knows that I'm upset or if he's just going to blame it on being busy again. We're both busy, but he's not going to be any less busy anytime soon.

Part of me is appeased by the fact that he is making an effort now, but part of me is honestly still a bit hurt and angry that he's sat on this multiple times in the last few months. I know he doesn't want to deal with it, but I can't fix it for him and it's not going away.

Sorry if all this rambling isn't really making sense as I have a lot going through my head. I just am not sure how to mentally get myself back to where I am giving him time to resolve it and just being happy to be with him. He really is a good guy or I wouldn't even bother.

[steanna7]

hey... i was on the other side of that i was the married one but seperated, i have a boyfriend and i had been seperated a good 2 years just didnt feel like paying all that money for a divorce, me and the boyfriend had a baby so i knew i needed to get divorced just so that baby wouldnt have a link to the ex as far as like you said wills or basically anything cause any baby you have while still married is still considered hubby's baby even if its not his, well anyway to make a long story short i hired a lawyer that you dont have to even go into his office he does uncontested divorces even with kids involved as long as you dont have any property or anything to fight over you can use one he only charges 150.00 and will basically mail you an application you have it notarized send it back he sends your partner the papers he signs and the lawyer goes to court for you and sends you your divorce certificate. i know he practices in charlotte but maybe he can tell you someone in your state or just try to google something in your state that says something like uncontested divorces no court apperance... good luck

[kygirl]

First off, it's contested a bit (mainly just some property issues) so that wouldn't work. And on the other hand, it's not really my place (nor do I want to be right in the middle of the process). I get his not wanting to pay money. Trust me, I do get that part, but it's not that he doesn't *have* the money. He goes out to eat all the time, buys other things he wants, etc. I know most of us hate to spend money on things we *need* to do rather than fun stuff, but honestly I think he just thought it'd go away.

I am trying to understand his side, I just don't know how to keep it from bothering me so much.

[steanna7]

i dont know then if it was me i would just act a little distant so he can realize it is really bothering you and if he loves you which im sure he does he will want you happy.. my main concern would be that when hes ready to marry you he wont be able to until he gets the divorce and if shes not cooperative it can take a long time

[kygirl]

I don't think the marriage thing will be an issue for quite some time. I'm not in a big hurry to be married, and I do think he needs a bit of time of at least not being married to decide how he truly feels about it. We've discussed the future and about being together, I just find that recently, it's hard for me to even want to think about us being together without knowing when this is going to be resolved.

We're both relatively young 29 and 33 so it's not like a crazy rush or anything, but I would like to be able to start dating him without her in the picture. I don't want to have to be thinking about what if she tries to stall or whatever when I do get to the point of wanting to think about possible marriage. We also both have a LOT of decisions we're going to need to make after graduation that I'd like to be able to address with him (just him and me) and not based on some divorce proceedings that are still going on.

I think he's picking up on the distant. I don't *want* to be distant, but I am not good at hiding how I feel. Right now, I feel a bit distant.

[Olympia]

kygirl,

I am trying to understand his side, I just don't know how to keep it from bothering me so much.

That's a tuffy! You are in the relationship, and are studying this particular aspect of law. Anyone in that situation would
be feeling as you are. As you stated earlier, it will not go away, due to lack of action on his part. But i think the same
is to be said about your part. (it will not go away, due to lack of action). I suppose if it were me in that situation... I would keep communicating the need for finalizing the divorce, if necessary. But too much can cause issues..
Might there be other reasons he is dragging his feet..? Does he have a history of leaving thing unresolved, does he dislike
confrontation..? Not judging, just thought maybe there is more to it... (drawing at straws, since i have no experience on this particular subject)..

[kygirl]

I suppose if it were me in that situation... I would keep communicating the need for finalizing the divorce, if necessary. But too much can cause issues..
Might there be other reasons he is dragging his feet..?

Olympia,

I think I am trying to find the balance between asking where he's at on it, etc to show concern and not being too "naggy". I don't want him to feel like I am stating the obvious. We both know it has to/needs to be done. But sometimes I do think he "forgets" or chooses not to remember that this will not go away on its own.

As far as other issues or a history of leaving things unresolved... That I am not sure of. I do know that he at times has a tendency to not prioritize like he should. He also is not much of a planner, nor does he like to plan much. On the one hand, I'm okay with that. I like to plan trips, dinners, etc and he knows to tell me if he does agree to something so I don't make plans that day but generally he's a bit last minute.

I don't think he likes confrontation, but he doesn't avoid it entirely. I think he wants it to be overwith (amen...) already and is avoiding thinking about it. I just hate that he has to be pushed on this particular issue. It's obviously a big deal. They've been separated well over a year. She filed the paperwork (or started initially) back a year go...it's just not getting anywhere. It's like one thing gets done and they both just sit till one of them decides to do something 2 months later and the process starts again.

It is definitely making me wonder if he might react the same way in the future, although I guess only time will truly tell that.

[Ashlee T.]

*sigh* This is just a tough thing no matter how you look at it. You want that part of his life over, and rightfully so. As the relationship goes on, and you feel closer and more invested, it starts to bother you more....and rightfully so. I have a feeling if the roles were reversed, he'd very likely feel the same way you do. I think you've been very understanding with him about it, and of course it's disturbing when he's not making the effort without a boost from you. He should want to be an unmarried man for you. But in his mind, he already is, and it's just a formality. But in your mind, of course it's different, "He's still legally married to another woman". Earth to J? Why WOULDN'T that wear thin on you after a while? It would on anyone. I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting this done. What's wrong is that you're having to push for it to happen. And I know that's got to be incredibly frustrating, thinking "Wait...he can spend money on this and that, spend his time on this and that, but WHY isn't this a priority for him?". It's going to create resentment, doubt will begin to harbor, etc.

I wish I knew what to tell you to do....but I think you're doing the best you can. Time is very revealing.

[kygirl]

Thanks BD... We had another discussion last night and he seems to be pushing the ball along a bit quicker. I am glad he is at least seeing that this is a big deal to me and that he needs to treat it as such. I try not to get tooo aggravated with him too often but this one definitely takes the cake and I want to know that he cares. So far, he seems to be very apologetic for letting it drag on as long as he has and is really making it a top priority until it is resolved. Hopefully it will be shortly.

We'll have to see where we are in another few weeks.... But it was good to be able to vent and kind of collect my thoughts. Last night I think it really hit me that I care so much because I do care. The thought of going through this and (valid or not) thinking that he might not want to be with me and whatever really hit me. I realize that this was already creating doubt on my end and I don't want that doubt to be there.

There are some things about men, I don't think I'll ever understand...but hopefully eventually I can at least mostly understand this one

[Ashlee T.]

A really good thing is being able to communicate issues and feel some resolution after talking about them. That seems to be something you all do well. Sort of nip things in the bud before they cause too much problem. He seems to care about you alot and I'm sure that he just hadn't put as much weight on the whole divorce thing as you had. Some people are just more prone to sweep things under the rug, out of sight out of mind etc. But then there are others of us (me) who might sweep something under the rug, but I will think about what I've swept there and feel bad about it until I fix it. Never out of of sight out of mind. And because people can be so different in that, we have to constantly remind ourselves that what is a HUGE deal to us just may not be near as huge to someone else.

I hope he gets his tooshie in gear and gets this taken care of so that it's not hanging over your relationship anymore. It would be one of those things for me that I'd try to not think about, but I know I'd feel the same way you do about it.

Glad you two talked.