[wednesdaymorning]

Firstly: I probably should have put my other postings in this forum rather than "Dating" and I hope this isn't something that should go in the "Sex" one, because it's not fun or interesting, it's just down right ridiculous.

So.

I have this boyfriend. I've had the same one for a long time. In the beginning, sex was new to me and therefore incredibly fun and exciting. I was always down for some sex. Time progressed and I got on birth control (which, I've heard decreases libido). Then more time progressed and I just stopped wanting sex. I mean, it's a variation of reasons. One being my boyfriend still hasn't held a job or shown responsibility since I met him (and it's a turn off, am I wrong there?). It has also started to hurt, this of course, because I'm not in to it. It takes him at LEAST 20 minutes to finish, and that's on a really good day, and usually I just want it to be over with so it's 20 minutes of pain and depression.

But the thing is--and this is what I want to know the truth on--it is the most important thing in the entire world to him. When I can manage to fend him off for a few days, huge fights explode out of his "sexual frustration" and I have to hear about how it makes him to angry/sad/confused that I don't want sex all the time. These fights last for HOURS and, by this point, sex has been built up to something so extremely big that I don't really ever feel in the mood for it. This, of course, causes another fight until I eventually give in. The thing is I can't fake being in the mood. I can't even fake emotions. I'm a horrible liar. And he "doesn't want to do it until I'm ready." Sounds nice, right? Well, it isn't. Because that means he'll wait about 35 more hours before getting angry and saying "Why do you need more time than this?!" It's just a terrifying thing, now. Not to mention, in that 35 hours that he's "waiting," he has most likely hinted at least 3,000 times about how much he LOVES sex. To him, sex means that I think he's attractive and that I love him. To me, sex is supposed to be fun. Whining about not getting sex is not sexy! But he fights with me, then expects me to drive over and ravage him. NOT SEXY.

So...do all men really feel like sex is god? I know men like it, usually women like it to. But do all men do this? Because my boyfriend sure enough tells me all men will react in the same way. Do all men have to have sex and whine relentlessly when they don't get it?

[sourpuss]

Have you told him why you aren't into it? Have you told him that it's not enjoyable? Does he take any time to get you in the mood? There's a communication break down. You need to tell him that you need to feel sexy, loved, desired, etc. If he really does care about you, he'd want you to enjoy it as well.
Is he aware that it hurts for you?

[Ashlee T.]

I feel for you because I was in a similar situation. I felt frustrated because 1. I felt like I wasn't able to give him what he wanted 2. Everytime he touched me he was thinking about sex (partially because he wasn't getting as much as he wanted) and I started to feel like an object. 3. His "hints" or whiny "I want you"'s were a turn off. 4, 5, 6, 7........the list could go on and on.

The result for me was that 1. He and I weren't right for each other. Our personality/incompatibility issues caused me to lose that intense attraction I had for him at one time. 2. Birth control had WIPED OUT my sex drive.

I finally got mad and said oh well.....I'm not going to continue taking this that makes me feel AWFUL. I stopped, and ended up breaking up with the BF (or vice versa actually) and feel MUCH better.

When you DON"T want sex, everyone else seems like sex craved maniacs.

[kygirl]

Wednesday,

I think some men actually care and try to make sex enjoyable instead of turning it into a fight. Everyone else has given you some good info, but just wanted to point out that this is another thing that isn't making you happy. I know we all want to fight and work and make things last, but there comes a point where you realize that you aren't compatible with someone and/or the way they treat you and your feelings isn't worth it.

Just something to think about. I hear you say he's smart and funny and whatever and I know we tend to post only the worst, but I am not sure why you are with him other than not wanting to deal with the breakup right now and not wanting to be alone?

[WildChild]

All people need to breathe, all people need water, all people need food, all people need to sleep. I don't know if there is much else that you could say All men or women want or need.
I know you are venting. The mind is the biggest sex organ. Feeling like it isn't you that he loves but just the use of your body can be a huge turn off. You need to find time when there is no pressure and sex is not in the offing to talk calmly to him.

I agree with BD that the pill could be a real factor in this and that you should look at alternatives. BUT you also need to deal with the lack of understanding of the importance of nonsexual touch and interaction. You need to help him understand how important this is to you, just as the direct sexual contact is for him. It is a dance and has to be balanced. When two people understand it they make virtually everything, every interaction an act of caring and love. He needs to understand that you need loving words and touch to validates his love for you without expectations of intercourse, a bj or any other sexual interaction, so that you can access and build your feelings of desire.

By lovingly helping him understand this, you will be giving him a gift that will make him a better lover for a lifetime, even if the two of you go separate ways. By learning to effectively communicate what you need, you will be honing a skill that will enhance your life. This can be a win/win.

[rcoreyus]

Nothing is true for "all men". It is quite common for men and women to think sex is very important and a critical part of a loving relationship. It is common for men and women to want sex at least several times a week and to be unhappy and frustrated if they don't get it. If they don't get sex, many men and women will think about it a lot - the way a hungry person thinks about food a lot.

What to do:
If you aren't enjoying sex because he is not a caring and considerate lover, then try to talk to him - let him know what you would enjoy in bed, and how that would make you more eager to please him.

If you aren't enjoying sex because of side effects of birth control, see if there are other options, or even go without and do things that can't get you pregnant. Good exciting sex without intercourse is much better than unhappy reluctant sex with intercourse for almost everyone.

If you just don't enjoy sex and don't want it, please for your sake and his, find someone with a similar level of desire. It is unfair to both of you to be in a relationship where you have such different interests - you will either break up eventually, or worse stay together miserable for the rest of your lives.

You can read on these forums from men and women who are stuck in relationships with partners with very different sex drives - it is miserable. There are men who aren't interested in sex (you will hear women complaining about this on these groups), maybe you would be happier with someone like that.

Please don't stay in the relationship hoping it will get "better", he is probably hoping the same thing.

[hizenberg]

tricky q as i dont want to sound all feminist lol well i can say this that yes,most if not all get grumpy if they go for days without it. its true ex's have all been grumpy by day 3 of no sex or rubbing there thigh on my leg like a dog to get my attention they want some, lol. because i have not been in the mood they make it sooo obvious,but i kept ignoring lol. yes men feel like sexis god and ive heard countless male friends say that is somthing women have over men, the release and feeling they get from sex is like a drug,the after effect of dozing off almost instantley and feeling relaxed.he must realy love this with you to wait 35hours for it,lol. i can agree with you that the pill does take your libido away i been on it for 5years and just went off it and still waiting for my 'libido' to reappear.you need to tell him to 'work' you up to it, he needs to respect your needs and desires in the bedroom.because just taking it and not enjoying it gets boring ,fast and makes it even harder to get into it. maybe show him these replys?? or get the back section on sex tips in a magazine and tape it to the wall near the toilet ,lol somewhere where he'll be sitting for a while lol. good luck with this, hope i didnt rave on to much

[Allie602]

It may hurt because you are not warmed up enough. You have to take responsibility for making sure that you are ready before he puts it in. I am sure if you let him know that the pain is inhibiting you, he will do all he can to get you ready before proceeding. Give him a chance to respond to your need, remember, he can't read your mind.

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think its all men that feel that way, there are several men that don't care for much sex in their relationship, whether its low sex drive, or just they get their needs met in other ways, some men make sex a very low-priority in their relationship.

Some women make sex the most important thing in their relationship and get just as sexually frustrated and upset as your boyfriend does... so its really not a case of all men this way or that way... its really about the individual. And for YOUR boyfriend sex is important. When your significant other doesn't want sex with you, it can be a major self-esteem blow, "are they bored of me?" "are they having sex with someone else?" "am I not attractive to them?" so on top of being sexually frustrated, there is also an emotional damage than occur when parties have different drives.


All that being said, if you don't want to have sex and you do it so HE doesn't feel bad, guess who's going to be the one feeling bad? Yep, you. You will be the one frustrated and resentful.. and that will be emotionally damaging to YOU.

I would suggest talking to your doctor about switching birth controls, invest in some lubricant and have him work on building anticipation with you so that you have time to actually want, then enjoy sex. If you don't want to have it, then just do it for him... its not goign to bring you much pleasure. He has to work on turning you on more, doing extra special touches and learn what gets you excited and makes you feel good... if the sex is good, you are going to want it more.

But if you have no interest in trying to regain your drive, and his isn't going away... you guys might just be an ill-fit for each other, which is sad... but a relationship will struggle with partners with different interest levels in sex and no willingness to compromise. No matter who does what someone is going to feel like they are doing something or not doing something they want to be doing.

[lonestar]

Wow. How old is he??
If you have told him that it hurts you and he still wants to do it, then this guy has no thought or care for your well-being. He should be helping you find a solution to the problem.
As far as your decreased libido, have you started taking anything other than the birth control? A lot of medications can do this. Or you might just plain be over this dude...
I can understand sexual frustration- my situation is actually flipped flopped. I have to admit it has turned me into a crazy person on a couple of occasions. lol. So to answer your initial question- no, it's not true for all guys. My guy doesn't want to have sex nearly as often as I do (he's learning ), but once we talked about it and I told him that I needed it (and I don't care what anyone says... it is a necessity), we negociated and things have been much better. Communication is key.
And the fact that he hasn't held a job or been able to keep any responsibilities is a little concerning- again, I inquire about his age (and no, you're perfectly in the right to be turned off by this). He sounds very immature.
That being said, in his defense, 20 minutes is about average for a good romp session. If you're not into it for reasons other than it hurts, then maybe it's time to move on. Especially since he is not making it enjoyable, but rather a stress and a chore. Sex should be a stress reliever for you two, not an inhibitor.