[pussnboots]

I have seen more than a few threads on here relating to text cheating. Most of it has been to do with husbands. Well mine is to do with my boyfriend of a year.

We met at work 3 years ago. We both work in the same organisation. We started dating a year ago this month. Right from the word go he was very into me and told me he loved me and how I was the only women for him etc etc. He was the second person I had been in love with. I am 35 and the first was when I was 21.

Within a couple of months I fell in love with him and we started spending more and more time together. To the point where he was practically living in my house with me and my daughter. It was all very lovely for a while but then he started accusing me of cheating on him, flirting with other men and lying to him. So in order to show him that this was not the case I gave him open access to my mobile, laptop etc. I started to be accused of all sorts of things and kept and telling him this was not the case and I would never do this and this is certainly not the case. Into about 6 months of our relationship I said to him that seen as though I am giving him full access to my mobile etc, would he mind if I looked at his...he has 4 mobiles...what I found was very hurtful indeed.

Hundreds of texts between him and another work colleague, that I know. They started before we got together, I don't know if they are still going on as he now leaves this phone at his house. These texts went into a lot of detail about how horny they are for each other as well as plans to meet up at different sites in work as we have 4 different sites in the area. They purchased Xmas presents for each other though were careful not to be seen at the site I work at together. His reasoning behind this was because he thought I was cheating on him. We split up and a few weeks later we got back together on the basis that he stops all text contact this person. I knew they would still see each other as it is the nature of both their jobs but as long as there was no flirting, kissing or texting going on. I thought I would be able to trust him again. Things were ok for a little while but unfortunately I found things extremely difficult.

Not being able to trust him at all but hiding it from him as every time I spoke about it he would just bring up me cheating on him and flirting. Anyway, we have being trying to make it work but I recently found out a few weeks back that he has a secret laptop. I also found out that he has started texting someone else that he met when he was away. Telling her that he was single and was staying at a friends that night which in fact was me. I confronted him about it and he said he told her he was single because he wanted her to talk to him!? I have checked his phone a couple of times since as I have become such a mess with things, very hurt and depressed as well as insecure but I think he now deletes everything. I am now unsure I want to continue with this, though I still love him but don't respect him and certainly don't trust him. It is all I think about in work and at home and it is making my life a misery. Any advise would be great thank you. x

[sourpuss]

Ugh, if you were my friend I'd say cut your losses and move on.

[jns]

He sounds like he can't be trusted and he projected that on to you. He also sounds controlling. You can do a lot better.

[Hopeless Dork]

Dane cook says it great in his 'vicious circle' performance about what happens to men that cheat, how all of a sudden they realize how easy it was and start freaking out thinking their chick could just as easily do it so become EXTREMELY paranoid. What came first the chicken or the egg, did he think you were cheating then, started himself... or did he start first then freak out and think hey maybe she is doing the same dang thing I'm doing. You'll probably never know.

What you have to ask yourself is does he make you happy. For just a moment toss out the text stuff, the cheating stuff and just think outside of that... how does he treat you, generally a guy that cheats has some character traits that make them not the best boyfriends ... usually selfish, egotisical, neglectful, controlling, manipulative, etc...

It sounds like you are in love with him or you would have walked out a long time ago... that sucks, it does. When you love someone so much that you have to overlook the hurt they cause because you can't see yourself without them. Truth is, there are SO many available men, good men, ones that won't try to make excuses for their behavior, ones you can respect, ones you can trust... but the problem is when you find one your head is too messed up from dealing with jerks that you don't know how to be nice to the nice guy. Don't let that happen to you, with this guy or any others.

Take some time out, step back and evaluate what you have in him, what makes everything worth it, and if all you have are memories of how he USE to be, or hopes of how he MAY become ... then you might not be with the right guy.

[geedee]

Most of the time the person who is doing all of the excessive accusing is doing it because its them who are guilty. You can't trust him. Cut him loose and move on.... I'm sorry cause I know this is so hard. (((HUGS)))

[pussnboots]

Dane cook says it great in his 'vicious circle' performance about what happens to men that cheat, how all of a sudden they realize how easy it was and start freaking out thinking their chick could just as easily do it so become EXTREMELY paranoid. What came first the chicken or the egg, did he think you were cheating then, started himself... or did he start first then freak out and think hey maybe she is doing the same dang thing I'm doing. You'll probably never know.

What you have to ask yourself is does he make you happy. For just a moment toss out the text stuff, the cheating stuff and just think outside of that... how does he treat you, generally a guy that cheats has some character traits that make them not the best boyfriends ... usually selfish, egotisical, neglectful, controlling, manipulative, etc...

It sounds like you are in love with him or you would have walked out a long time ago... that sucks, it does. When you love someone so much that you have to overlook the hurt they cause because you can't see yourself without them. Truth is, there are SO many available men, good men, ones that won't try to make excuses for their behavior, ones you can respect, ones you can trust... but the problem is when you find one your head is too messed up from dealing with jerks that you don't know how to be nice to the nice guy. Don't let that happen to you, with this guy or any others.

Take some time out, step back and evaluate what you have in him, what makes everything worth it, and if all you have are memories of how he USE to be, or hopes of how he MAY become ... then you might not be with the right guy.

Thank you for your post. Well written.

He does treat me well on general however, this biggest issue i have is that the 3 of us all work in the same place. My "partner" and his "fling" work very closely together and see each other on pretty much a daily basis. She is still texting him i discovered last week. I don't know if he texts back as it appears he deletes his messages now though he says he doesn't text her back...

I find it soooo hard knowing that they still see each other and clearly still texting each other. He has said there is nothing he can do about her texting...i find that hard to believe. I am also very surprised that she does still text him as she knows i know about their history. I told her i knew. I also find it funny that she has been very quiet for a while with her texting and now recently started again. Why? What gave her a reason to text him saying how nice it was to see so much of him again!!?

I am a wits end with this one. Yes i love him but don't trust or respect him. The other night we were having sex and all i could think about was him with her...i think i am going a little loopy! As much as i love him i think i would rather give up on it to save my own sanity and get back to being me...

[Lunar Keiki]

I really don't know how you can have a relationship with someone whom you do not trust or respect. That is two major factors to a healthy relationship. Does this mean your relationship is just physical? Because then it isn't love, it is just lust. That can be very very powerful. But for me, the knowing what has gone gone, what is still going on and the wondering what he is doing when he is not with me would eat at me constantly. If I can't trust him, I would be a huge mess.

Have you tried making a list of all the things you love about him and all the things you don't? Maybe actually seeing it on paper will help you decide if this relationship is worth fighting for if you should just cut your losses and walk away.

[Kallygirlie]

His excuse for the first fling was that he thought you were cheating. Thats one of the biggest lies. He knew you weren't cheating but like others said, he freaked out because he realized how easy it was for him to get away with it. Then this new girl, well he gave you the right answer. He told her he was single so she' talk to him. Why would he want to talk to her if he wasn't interest. You did the right thing by giving him a second chance but always remember one thing. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Sadly I've been through guys cheating and I've found they rarely learn. You need to walk away for your own sanity. Can you see yourself really living this way? Continuing to move on with this relationship means you have to except that he is a cheater. Even if he didn't have sex, it is completely disrepectful for him to talk to other women behind your back in this way. good luck hun, i wish you happiness

[lonestar]

This sounds like a unhealthy relationship. You have to be able to trust your beau and it sounds like he has ruined any chance of this... cut your losses and find a man that knows how to treat you like you deserve to be.

[Allie602]

I think he will never be faithful. The hidden laptop, multiple phones shows someone who plans his adventures and puts much thought into it. The fact that he started a relationship with you while continuing to text her, show a disregard for you or for the relationship. He is not of a mind to be faithful it does not bother him to be duplicitous and he does not think you should be bothered by it either.

Can you live with someone when you are in a constant state of unhappiness and anxiety? If you are, why? Why live with a man who is essentially making a fool of you.

He is having lost of fun. He has a women on the side to keep up the excitement of getting away duping you. He has a woman that tolerates his deceit and not only that, she provides him with all the comforts of home. She even has sex with him. He does not mind staying with you you are probably cooking for him he saves on food. Does he bring his clothes over for laundering Does he ask you to do task for him? He has a wife and it cost him little or no effort.

I am certain he slapping himself on the back at the set-up he has arranged with a gullible woman. Ill bet he thinks this will go on until he gets bored and moves on. Does this sound like your situation only you know I am using what you describe and guessing. Leave him and make you self feel good that you rejected him and his machinations. Let that other girl have him they deserve each other. In a short time he will cheat on her give her some of her own medicine. You can send her a card of condolences.