[whatp]

I am 48 and married 28 years. recently had suspicion my wife is having an affair. I found a box of condoms in her closet where she keeps her sanitary things when putting away laundry. I have had a vasectomy so do not need them. I was devastated and sent a text to her saying what i had found. When she came in she said had found them in another bedroom following a party my son had had in our house while we were on holiday and remembered putting them there as she was going to ask my son about them but had forgotten, and that she was not having an affair and proceeded to carry on as though nothing had happened. No apologies/understanding of what she had done
She goes to salsa lessons and the next night went out as normal as though nothing had happened. I couldn't beleive she could be so insensitive and was surprised she went out. I poured my heart out telling her how i felt and expressing the emotions i felt. her reply was that she was fed up with my reaction to it all.
She has since gone away on a girlie weekend abroad already planned.

Can i have a womans view. Do you think she is having an affair. Is she being cruel and heartless in her reaction? any views welcome.

[X_Tina]

Honestly, I do not think she is cheating. Have you asked your son about the condoms? To me, it just sounds like she is fed up with you accusing her of cheating. Usually, the person accusing their partner of cheating is the one cheating. Sorry, to have to say that but that is what I think. Is there any other proof that you think she is cheating?

[Guest]

Maybe she's being flippant about it because it's so far from the truth and he isn't giving it another thought..

[Hopeless Dork]

Well to be honest... if she truly found a box of condoms in your sons room... would she not have mentioned that to you? Like hun, guess tommy is growing up! I mean, as a mom of a teenage son myself I think it would be something I wouldn't be able to just put up and forget... but it really depends on your wife, you know her best. Do you think her finding condoms in your sons room would be something she'd make a big deal of? As in start freaking out that he's not a baby and talk to you about it? Or does she really not make a big deal about that sort of thing?

About her salsa lessons... is this something she asked you to join her with and you refused? If you wanted to golf and she did not, I'd fully expect that you'd golf anyway if thats what you wanted to do. If she wanted to learn to dance and you didn't... there is nothing wrong with her deciding she's going to get off the couch and do something she wants to do.

Girls weekends, men have them... go off hunting or fishing or to vegas or whatever... there is nothing wrong with your wife blowing off a little steam with her girlfriends now and then... but it just depends on how often this happens for you to start feeling concerned over it.

Now I am not saying she is cheating, and I am certainly not saying that if she was it would be your fault in anyway -- but I have some questions for you to go to understand her state of mind.

Do you do things with her? Is she constantly wanting to try new things that you refuse to give a go to? It sounds like she wants to live a little... and if you are staying in bed, you are going to miss the boat. Get out there and get involved, take a salsa lesson yourself and surprise her with your new moves on a night on the town.

Do you compliment her and make her feel beautiful? One man's sack of potatoes is another man's prime rib... most women need to feel pretty and desirable and if you are not noticing her new hairdo's, that 5 pounds she lost or some fancy dress she spent weeks picking out -- some other man will. And from experience a woman that is not getting attention at home... will begin to reply upon the attention of other men to feel that validation... so make sure she has no doubts that she is the apple of your eye.

How is your sex life with her? Does she ever inniciate? Do you ? Is she affectionate? are you?

[WildChild]

Your son is how old? Late teens, early 20s? Unless there is more this just doesn't sound all that suspicious. Your son had party while you were out of town and someone left a box of condoms. That sounds quite feasible to me.
Nothing to appologise for. What would you expect her to do if this is what happened? Appologise for cleaning the house?

Is there something else that has given you reason to make these assumptions?

[whatp]

Maybe i need to add a little bit more. the finding the condoms was not the first suspicion. Over the last few months there has been calls to the house and when i answer the caller rings off. when making calls at home she seems to always go to the bedroom , when i walk into the room where our computer is whilst she's on it she always clicks off what was on the screen, and also is always on facebook
My son is 21. Our sex life is ok but not as much as i would like, its usually me who initiates/suggests and neither are as affectionate as we once were. thanks for the posts in reply

[WildChild]

The behavior with the phone and computer would concern me. Is that a land line? If it is a cell you can see all the numbers calls go to and come from but with a land line you really can't tell. You could use the redial and see if anyone answers?
This is a tough situation. If there really isn't anything going on you don't want to create something negative. If there is something going on, of course you want to know. You may have to just give it some time, try to stay calm and centered and see what progresses? You might try suggesting some things to spice things up. How much non sexual touching do you do? How about some things like his and her massages, a visit to a local hot springs or weekend resort?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your wife is either, dismissing your question as it's dragging on and on and she's getting angry that you'd even think of it, or she is having an affair and purely finds, short answers the easy way out...

It's too hard to answer this question... You have your suspicions, topped off with condoms.

The talk you have to have is "do you still love me, what's missing in our lives, what do you love about me, and not".....

The fact you think it, and the fact, she is leading her own life to a degree, affair or not, this may head further in the end unless you both work on what's missing..

[BabyGirl]

Congrats on being married 28 years, that in itself is very rare these days.

As others have said , we cannot say that she is or isn't cheating. Just you coming here asking for our thoughts, shows that you have a feeling she is. It doesn't really matter what we think, what matters is what you think and feel.

Coming here is your way of validating what you are feeling and I myself am proud that you are taking this step.

When I joined WH in May ( this Year) I was a Mistress. I was having all but the full sexual "affair" with a married man. That has ended and I still struggle with what I did, how I did and the ending it had. But I can offer what I went thru as the " Other Person " on what I know was his cheating. How he acted, things he said and so on.

* Red Flags*

1) Texting or calls in certain times of day/ eve. (We texted all day from dawn to goodnights, except for times I knew he had to be with her and act like the loving hubby. suppertime and family events)

2) Shutting down websites or clicking phone off when you are near. ( Woah is that a Flag) Also having phone on Vibrate and having them wait or leave room to reply.

3) Regular times out. like girls nights, classes, weekend shopping, same time every week or things like that.

4) Gotta go's at weird times, friend has a prob and gone for an hour.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are a few things I know he did during our year long affair. I don't know if the females cheating is the same as a mans, but there are general things I can attest to from experience.

It's ok for a freiends request from you if you need further help.

[lonestar]

This is a difficult situation to ponder for sure...
Initially I would have thought she is not cheating and that her response seems quite feasible, but the sneaking off on the phone is a little strange as well as the computer.
That being said, though it is the situation that makes it look bad, maybe she is just loooking at something she does not want you to see? Is she bad about online shopping or other impulses? As for the phone, I mean, I normally go off somewhere or pace when I talk on the phone. But she is not giving you much room to trust. The fact that she is so dismissive of it is concerning. Again, initially I would agree that she was just getting irritated with being accused of something she didn't do- but if I were her, I'd want to assure you. If you came to me with those concerns I would be able to give you reasons A,B,C to the scenarios mentioned. How has your past married life been? Have there been many rough patches? Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her? Is this behavior like her? Her girlie weekend is definitely to get away from the situation, but maybe that is what she needs? Maybe she will be more calm and collected after? Take note of her mood when she returns, gage it, and then if you feel like her attitude is changed maybe try talking to her again?