[ThexMrs]

Part 1: My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. After we broke up I saw a text from our landlord saying that she wanted to screw him. (They'd always been too friendly) I was enraged. I moved out that day which was not the plan. Two days later I told her husband and he told me that he had no proof but knew something was going on. (Ew... She's enormous and has a blond mullet. I'm beautiful. WTF?) Anyways... I had sex with her husband to get even. (I'm sure this matters. My boyfriend was married when I met him. He left his wife for me and divorced her.)

Part 2: Last night I had sex with a good friend of mine's husband. Why? I don't know. He wanted it. I turned him down the weekend before. Last night I even turned him down and said that he was married. I also didn't go home with him when he wanted to. At the end of the night he was staying at the same place I was and it happened. I saw her FB today and she's filing for divorce. She doesn't know about him and I but still...

What is my issue? That's three married men in a span of 5 months.

I can't explain my actions away. I can't blame it on anger, drinking, etc. There is no excuse. I just don't know why I am doing these things!?! I'm hurting myself and other people even though they don't know. Actually, I can't lie. I don't really feel bad about it. That has to be a sign that I am totally a messed up human being.

$#&

[WildChild]

It's wanting want someone else has.
Proving something? Looks? Desirability?
You know that you need to stop this Linds. It isn't healthy or right.
You wouldn't be posting about this if you didn't know it. You have got to get this worked out.

[Ashlee T.]

Self esteem. You say you're beautiful (and you are...) but I wonder how much you truly believe that. And I wonder if you equate being desired sexually with beauty? What you must realize that someone wanting to have sex with you, doesn't mean you're beautiful and attractive. It means they think they can. Much like your guy and the large lady with the blonde mullet. You think he is honestly intensely sexually attracted to this woman? Thinks she's beautiful? Ummm......no probably not. Get my drift?

By saying you're just a messed up human being, you relieve yourself of some of the responsibility for what you're doing. But you're not a messed up human being, you're a very smart one, very well aware of what she's doing, and why she's doing it.

You may not feel bad about it right now.....but you will. So perhaps you're just storing up some ammo for when you're ready to get down on yourself and beat yourself up in self misery?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Lindsay,

Your boyfriend left his wife, for you and moved you in with him.. That's a cry better than the previous boyfriend whereby you'd never met his family, been to his house, nor been taken out, it's a start...

But, obviously, he also perhaps, felt the grass was greener and thought he also had a green light, after all he's not married anymore, to be free so to speak, whilst making you feel like his princess, his future wife.

After the errors of judgement of past relationships, this time you felt loved and as such, the anger of "I'll get you" filled up so much inside you that you took it out on all...

All, being one husband was a friend of yours, husband...

I don't care about anyone in this world attitude..

When a person does something that hurts you, it's understandable you want revenge, but you tend to revenge on yourself and anyone else, because no one matters, including yourself

I'm proud of you that you stopped drinking and found something you could call your own, however, short it was, remember, you found it, that means it's out there for you...

Sex can be used as an enticement, it can be used as a weapon, it can be used in love...and you can be used for it...

You can feel that it's them, but if you use sex for all of the above, the end will be used, let these men, any man see your inner self for once, so that the men you gain in your life, don't get the chance to see sexy Lindsay, in any fashion, until they love her and only until they love her...

Your hurting yourself as well as others...

Take this "husband" thought that you so desire and realise your worth... Don't use sex in any fashion from here sweet, believe in yourself...

Self harm huh, follows through in all fashions.. You can't afford to feel anything for what you did, because it will crush you, your trying to be that tough beatch, I don't care.

You do, it's that you don't care about you, because you think no one is yours, you try to have it, but they let you down...

Focus on you, that inner person... it's time...

[kygirl]

Lindsay,

I am going to agree with everyone else. I know you have been through a train wreck. I went through a phase like this a bit after my mom died. I slept with quite a few guys in a short period of time. Some with gfs, some not (thank goodness I didn't contract something, but that's neither here nor there at this point). I think I felt like I needed to be accepted. I felt like I was pretty but I only felt pretty when someone else made me feel that way. I didn't care about the other things...the long term, committment, etc because as soon as that moment faded, I felt like I wasn't attractive anymore. I STILL fight with this, but I am finally winning I feel like.

The point is that you ARE beautiful. You DO deserve to be happy. We can't control other people's actions. People may hurt us and mistreat us, but you need to take some time for you and work on making YOU happy. Those people don't validate you. If anything, they end up making the scars deeper because you want them to want you and in the end, you know they aren't going to. You dont' want to keep burning your bridges and only you can stop the burning.

It's just another outlet for your frustrations. Maybe safer than the other outlet, maybe not depending on how you look at it, but either way, you really have to look within yourself and find a healthy way to express those emotions. Whether it's here, in a diary, whatever.

I am sooo sorry about mullet girl, but that is not a reflection of you. I promise. Don't give up on yourself. You deserve better. But you have to make the steps to get it and these aren't those steps.

*hugs*

You know where to reach me if you need to talk.