[Sunshine629]

So, I guess I'll just give a brief background for my question. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we've been living together for 3. We've known each other about 10 years. Before we officially became an item, he had a girlfriend who became pregnant at about 16/17. They were both young (obviously) and not ready to handle this situation. They broke up, she had the baby, and he basically "took off". He's never met the child.
Now I know that a lot of you are probably like "what a dirtbag!", and I agree what he did wasn't right, he should've taken responsibility for his actions and have been involved. But, hindsight is always 20-20.
This is now haunting him every day, he tells me he thinks about her, the guilt he feels. I've tried to tell him that he should try to find his ex, and somehow, slowly become involved in the childs life. Send birthday cards, whatever. Baby steps! If, of course, the mother is willing to allow this. Or, just move on. Basically poop or get off the pot. She hasn't filed for child support and as far as I'm aware she's out of state and has a family now. I've never met her, but have been told by mutual friends.
The problem is that I'm wanting to settle down. I've always wanted a family, and always wanted to be a young mother. I'm 25 now. I don't want to be the "forever girlfriend", I want to be married and I want children.
I've talked about this with him and he says that he's not ready, and "how can I have kids with you, when I already have one I don't even know!".
I can understand that he's not ready, but I'd at least like to be able to talk about it openly and start making plans so that we can become ready. I've known about the other child for as long as we've been dating, and I always thought it'd be something he, or we, would deal with. I've told him repeatedly that I'd be happy to help him with this, and that if the child wanted to be involved with him or us, I'd gladly welcome them with open arms.
What really bothers me the most is that because of this other child, he feels he cannot settle down with me. I didn't realize that his past mistake would have such a negative impact on our future. If he doesn't want to have children, it's an absolute deal breaker.
I've tried talking with him about this time and again, but it always ends up being a fight. He gets defensive, I get emotional, and then we just clash.
I don't know what to do, I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want him to be the father of my children. Yes, he screwed up big time, but we all make mistakes. We share the same family values, which is very important to me as I'm pretty old fashioned. We've talked about our ideas for raising children (TV time, disciplinary action, education... a lot of things).
I don't want this mistake from his past to ruin this, because it shouldn't. It should be something that can be worked out and lived with. I'm ashamed to admit I'm starting to feel resentful towards his ex and child. I know the child is innocent, I understand that. And maybe that makes me a bad person.

I don't know what to do. Any advice would be so much appreciated. Is there another way I could approach the subject without it turning into a fight? I'm devastated by this, I've always dreamed of us having a family, and now it seems like it was a foolish fantasy. Any of you have similar stories? How did you deal with it? Please help, again, I'd love any advice you guys are willing to offer. Thank you.

[Ashlee T.]

I can totally see where his having this other child that he's never met and never taken responsibility for, would cause him to feel hesitant about bringing another child into the world. He feels like a failure as a father because he made what was obviously the wrong choice for him. But, where you're concerned........I don't think this really has anything to do with the kiddo. I think that's just an "excuse" so to speak (don't take that the wrong way, it was the only way I could think to explain it. ) I think you want to get married, you mention being together for 5 years, you're now in your mid 20's, you want to be a young mother, etc and I get the feeling you're starting to feel tired of waiting and are looking for reasons as to why he's not committing to you on that level. And in this case, you found something perfect as a reason.....this unknown child. I do not think this child is keeping him from committing to you, though I can see where maybe it would keep him from wanting to have a baby right now. So don't be confused and harbor resentment for this child........because I don't think the child is keeping you from having what you want. He is.

This child has a father I'm sure. Someone who has been in his/her life and I'm not sure if I were your bf I'd shake that up at this point in the childs life. I'd try to look at it as "I gave the child up for adoption", (because in a sense he did) and that it was a conscious choice. If he feels guilty over leaving his ex high and dry like that....then perhaps he could write her a letter, ask for her forgiveness, but reassure her that if she would like him to stay out of the childs life, he will respectfully do so but that he just wanted her to know he was sorry for doing her the way he did. I think he needs some closure one way or the other.

[Hopeless Dork]

He may indeed be thinking about his other child, and debating on reconnecting, he may indeed not feel ready to bring another child into this world when he hasn't even said hello to the first one he brought it... but he also may be using that as an excuse to try to ward you off wanting babies right now. Your goal is to be married with children and to be a young mother... that may not be his goal and thats something the two of you will have to talk about to see how it falls in place. Are you in love with this man? Would you leave him and find someone else if marriage and kids wasn't on his card for a while?

I think you seem to be thinking that if he just fixes this situation with his other child he will be out purchasing his tux and signing you guys up for lamaze classes but that may not be the direction he wants to go yet whether or not he fixes this situation with his kid.

He could at the very least reach out to the mother and give his contact information, even if she has another man thats been filling in... there will come a day when that child wants to know who his biological father is... even if just to meet... and he should let the mom know that he is there and ready to be introduced into the childs life when they are ready. And this should be for the CHILDS sake, not his own. He should make contact to be available if its in the best interest of the child.

[Sunshine629]

Thank you ladies for the input, it kinda made me see it a little better from his point of view. I want to say that I'm not a ring/baby hungry woman, (well I guess I kind of am... but not in a bad way, at least that's what I'd like to think). It's just that after 5 years, I'd like some sort of commitment, or at least be discussing the possibility of it. I've told him that I'm not trying to rush him, I don't want it to happen today or tomorrow, but... within the next 5 years or so would be nice. I also have endometriosis, which makes me worry that I won't be fertile for as long as your average healthy woman. I suppose he could feel that I'm trying to rush him, and we all know that goes over like a fart in church with men, so maybe I approached it the wrong way.
I wish I knew how to evolve this to something that we can discuss openly without having to feel ashamed. I don't think that as soon as he gets closure on the past that we'll be running to the alter, but maybe it would bring him peace so that he can start thinking about the future instead of dwelling on the past.