[stressed]

Did your ex cheat on you with a black guy? (I'm not sure if I got that part right).

Next, you say that if you imagine this guy the way he is, but white, it wouldn't be any better. It's not a penis size issue either, so it can't be his colour or ethnicity only.

It's odd that this becomes a sexual issue in your relationship as then you must, somehow, connect him with something sexual related with your girlfriend. You may be thinking of them having sex and that is a turn off for you, even though it's in her past and you knew she wasn't a virgin.

Are you worried he was 'better' at sex than you, or, like WC said, do you feel your girlfriend finds you an equal to a guy you don't respect? You must have an idea of what it is that bothers you.

We don't condemn you, we're only trying to help by asking direct questions that may lead you to the root of the problem.

[Ashlee T.]

So are you grossed out that he's black (which you originally stated)? Or are you grossed out because he looks like he could be in a rap video (as you later stated)? The two aren't synonymous.

If I say "I'm not racist, but the fact he had sex with a black woman grosses me out", doesn't that sound contradictory?

If you had said "The fact that my girlfriend had sex with this man who looks like a thug with baggy clothes and bling grosses me out", race wouldn't even be an issue here. So which is it? The fact that he's black, or the fact that he looks like a thug? Because where I'm from, there are plenty white dudes running around looking like thugs.

My intentions are not to make you feel condemned....but as with any problem, you have to be willing to admit you have it. And right now, you're denying what seems to be the very root of the problem (racism).

[vancityguy]

our sex life is great for the most part she tells me shes only climaxed in her life about 3times before and only had sex to make the guy happy and didnt have that emotional connection. she cums about 80% of the time when we get intimate its wonderful!..we have sex about 3times a day when were around each other. but you know what.. i think you just made me realize what it is, its so obvious that i never cared to acknowledge

"""t's odd that this becomes a sexual issue in your relationship as then you must, somehow, connect him with something sexual related with your girlfriend. You may be thinking of them having sex and that is a turn off for you, even though it's in her past and you knew she wasn't a virgin.""""

my X of 6yrs that ended about 1yr ago...cheated on me with a black dealer..real stand up guy :s so I'm clearly just relating the two which is 100% not cool but natural ....

[WildChild]

We all have to deal with keeping the past in the past. It should be a learning experience but not become our only experience.

[Calicorado83]

I understand that you think it weird yourself, "Why should I be so grossed out, I wish I could get over it?" I know you think it's petty. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things! Try to look at it like this, you have a woman who is very open-minded. You KNOW this because of the past men she has dated. If her past boyfriend was your total opposite by being a chain-wearing, drug-dealing, pant-dragging black man, she must have seen something in him that others couldn't. Isn't that a very good trait to have? When you have sex with her, envision HER, not him with her. See her seeing YOU, the guy she likes now. Try to think of what she sees in you that she'd be so willing to devote a part of herself to you. I definitely won't try to analyze why you would think that way, because I don't quite understand it, but I don't look down because you have such an odd way of thinking about it. Just change what thoughts flow through your head

[stressed]

our sex life is great for the most part she tells me shes only climaxed in her life about 3times before and only had sex to make the guy happy and didnt have that emotional connection. she cums about 80% of the time when we get intimate its wonderful!..we have sex about 3times a day when were around each other. but you know what.. i think you just made me realize what it is, its so obvious that i never cared to acknowledge

"""t's odd that this becomes a sexual issue in your relationship as then you must, somehow, connect him with something sexual related with your girlfriend. You may be thinking of them having sex and that is a turn off for you, even though it's in her past and you knew she wasn't a virgin.""""

my X of 6yrs that ended about 1yr ago...cheated on me with a black dealer..real stand up guy :s so I'm clearly just relating the two which is 100% not cool but natural ....

I see the problem and it can happen. Cheating can be very damaging in some cases, especially when the ex reminds you of that guy. It can even be something that can turn you into a light form of 'racist' unintentionally, as in, you may start feeling resentment towards black men just because of these two guys without intending to. It's like you see a pattern in the women in your life and it gets to you in a way.

But it's important to remember that your girlfriend chose you for who you are and doesn't compare you to her ex. She doesn't even think about him and her experience with him was just an experience, nothing else. Having sex 3 times a day is incredible and no woman would want to, or even have the time to, think of her ex at all, especially sexually. No woman has sex with a man that much if she doesn't find it enjoyable.

1 year is still not enough time for you to fully take in what happened and now you find out about this ex, so I can understand your surprise. Just remember, and try to work with it on your own, that this coincidence has nothing to do with you or their colour. I'm sure your girlfriend only has you in mind and enjoys your time together. It might take some time but I think you will realize this more with time. It's great that you've spotted what the problem is as now you can work on it and look for the signs you need to regain your confidence. It shouldn't take long.

[Tiptopshape]

If you're clearly disgusted with those facts you're telling us, then there's no point in continuing on with the relationship.
Go find yourself a girl whom you won't judge their past with. And let your gf find someone who can respect and accept her for who she is. She deserves that, you know and you deserve to be happy too (I guess )

[vancityguy]

Stressed---you nailed it, i sence you can see things non -judgementaly from both ends of the spectrum which leads to complete reasoning...thankx for your time and thoughts!...today i looked at her in a who;e new way ...again! and we where literally glowing today because of the fact i was able to bypass this and let my love for this girl just flourish...as girly as it sounds it felt great though !

[stressed]

Go for it! I'm very happy for you!

Always try to talk about what bothers you with someone, be it someone you trust, your girlfriend, or an anonymous forum like this one. It always helps to let it out and clear your head.

[whit4488]

im going to be honest. it seems a little immature on your behalf that it really bothers you to THIS extent, however, its how you feel none-the-less so you need to do what you have to do. i think if it causes THIS much of an issue for you, it will CERTAINLY cause issues and tension in the relationship and MORE THAN LIKELY will END. unfortunately because you have hid this from her, you have lead her to believe that you were "okay" with it, so she's probably going to be pretty hurt and shocked to hear it...just make this a lesson learned, always follow your true feelings and always express them faithfully. going into a relationship its always very important to be 100% honest with YOURSELF and your partner, you dont want to see their true colors down the road, you want to know from the get-go that what you see is what you get so there are no unknown skeletons or anything of that sort.