[steph*]

omg I havent been on this site for a while but from my previous post i will keep you updated..

I've been w/ my bf for 4yrs, I was pregnant and lost the baby, my prince charming(my bf) turned into not so charming after we got back together and got pregnant.

When we got back together everything was good until I found out he was doing drugs... That is like the biggest TURN OFF for me ever!!! not only tht but he was also smoking.. after I found that out I got pregnant.. and instead of giving me support at that time, he lost his job, his car, and kept doing drugs. It was so hard to find out he was on drugs bcuz for 3yrs he was everything I wanted and then out of the nowhere he is doing drugs lying to me ect..

When I found out i was pregnant he was happy but he never showed me any actions that he wanted to change for the better regarding drugs and lying and also getting a job so we both decided that he should move arkansas where his brother and stepdad were living bcuz his brother offered to help get him get off drugs and get him on his feet again while I dealt with my pregnancy and focused on me.. well I ended up loosing the baby and my bf had to come back to be with me bcuz of what happend. but when he was in arkansas he got a job and quit smoking and started to get off drugs slowly.

So when my bf came back he was a little better but the problem was that he had to start alll over again with the whole job thing. and his mom moved to arkansas as well and my had no where else to live so my parents offered to help him out to get back on his feet by living with us. Well its been 6months since he got back from arkansas and he barely got a job like last month. The whole entire time Ive been basically supporting him financially along with my parents.

But here is the problem:
he is very RUDE! i dont feel like a couple any more! I feel like if I am the man of the relationship because i feel like he makes the wrong step every time!!! He says im controlling and what not but idk how else to help him. I have gaven him all the tools he needed to get back on his feet: my car, money, gaven him job references, a place to live, payed his bills ect so he could realize that I was going to be there for him but in return all he does is be rude, argue with me over the dumbest things ever!! he even fights with my 8 yr old sister, and when I try to be serious with him he just say "o here we go again" or dont start" and whenver we argue he says the MOST hurtful things like: o should have nver came back, arkansas was way better, we shouldnt be together, you have never helped me in anyway," and so on wen he knows i have.

After we argue he usually stays quiet after and like an hour later he starts apologizing and says he didnt mean what he said but i feel like sorry aint gonna cut it! I have talked to him about the fights we have and how I couldnt handle it any more, just the whole financial situation and ever since we talked he has saved money and is getting his car this week, he hasn't been on drugs for the past 5 months, hasnt smoked, and has a job. But he hasnt changed his attitude.. he has BAD temper! and he wants me to always do things for him!! I have done enough for him and I feel that whenever I want something or I need to talk about something he like doesn't do anything for me! even wen it comes to a regular conversation about what I did at work or something.. all he does is like nod his head and thats it.

Even when it comes to sex... he only like pleasures himself... when i want more sex or something he will say "no babe, not right now ok" and that because he already got what he wanted, but when he wants to have sex we have to do it when he wants to! I have also talked to him about ALL of this and have even said that i feel like if EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HIM! Like wen i was pregnant it was about him getting better, not even about how i felt nothing! IDK i feel like ive fallen out love or something. Idk if its bcuz of the financial situation we r in n wen we get our own place he will focus on me?? not sure! idk what to do or what to think..

I have thought about being single and i see myslef happier but at the same time i do love him but idk if im in love with him???

any advise please???

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Steph, was he doing drugs after you two broke up, or throughout the whole 4 years, only he was better at lying, or did he take drugs as a result of the split.. And, as he has lost everything, as he's addicted he can't / couldn't stop....

Either way, he's in a big rut, why isn't he trying to get clean and get help? Has he support from family?

You can not, should not, provide everything for him and be mis-treated.

He should have been there when you lost the baby, you shouldn't have had to go through that alone.

Getting a house together will make matters worse, as you will be locked in 10 fold and no way to get out of it... and financially you will be ruined.

In my opinion, you either tell him to get help with his addiction, take the car away, etc and make him realise your not there to be used and tell him you'll support him emotionally only if he does and see how it goes from there or, if he won't change, doesn't want to change, quit being his lap dog and look after yourself and leave.

CW

[stressed]

He seems to need some kind of professional support. He might have started drugs as an escape from something/mental issues. If you want to stay together he must seek help and find out what causes all this temper and what was that led him to drugs in the first place. A stable job and sense of responsibility are what can improve things for a start. But if he doesn't want to change then you cannot make him. Think how you would feel if you got pregnant again. Do you see yourself having a family with him? You can help him change for the better since you care about him, but don't invest your life in this unless he can provide you with a normal life.

[steph*]

Thank you for your reply chandlers wish! Well he started using drugs after when we broke bcuz of the split as he told me bcuz wen we were together he wasnt like that at all and also didnt have those symptoms of a drug user and plus he had a job and they would drug test them but anyway.. yea he has looked for helped for his drug addiction and that was when he first got here. a counselor is helping him thats why he hasnt used drugs in the past 5months. There has been some things that have definitely changed, like him getting a job again and becoming a little more responsible of his actions. He also helps on paying some rent, buying food ect, but i just feel like his attitude is soooo hard to deal with! He has like no respect for me, by calling names just bcuz he is mad! i feel like there is no excuse for calling me names after everything he has put me through.
And yes I do agree that by getting a place together wont fix much and thats why i feel stuck in my emotions as to what can help to get things together emotionally.
All i want him to realize that its not just me in the relationship but him as well and i need his support most of all and idk how to fix it anymore.....

[stressed]

You can't make him want to care... he either does or he doesn't. By the way you're describing him he doesn't seem to care about you but more about himself and how can he make his own life better. Maybe he feels he struggles so much in his life that he only has space for himself in his mind and nobody else.

[steph*]

Thank you for your reply stressed! yeea i kno i wouldnt know how i would feel if i got pregnant again.. i wouldnt b able to trust the fact that he would be able to support me n a child. I do feel like financial stability would be a great solution but idk if i should wait on that.... I have seen good improvements but like i said before emotianally is what i am soo mad about! Like y cant he b nicer, show some appreciation?? i just feel like he takes for granted or something idk wat to think ????

[stressed]

Maybe you should live apart for a while? To see if your lives are better without each other? Your parents must love you so much for supporting you and him, if anything else you owe it to them to be with a man who loves you.
Think about it...

[steph*]

in a way i do agree with that bcuz wen i am with him and wen we go out yea he does asks what i want to do but then he doesnt agree with it and gets mad, n then i dont like his ideas sometimes. i feel like we dont connect anymore, like all the things we used enjoy together have changed do u think that maybe some time apart would help?

[steph*]

yea thats very true! Well I am going to start school in feb and im going to have a very busy schedule like it would b work, school and then b home by 10:30pm do u think that might help?

[stressed]

Keeping busy is a very good idea and you will get the chance to interact with more people, be in your own environment and make plans for your future. Whether he'll be included in it or not it will show. But what can you do until then... maybe find more activities that don't involve him or be out more. It's very possible that his temper and behaviour can affect school and your mood, which will make your life harder. If that happens (since it's already happening) then he gives you no choice. Don't make any long-term plans yet (house etc.). In the meantime, try to communicate better with each other. If one gets angry at the other it's better to explain why, even afterwards, than just be mad. If it's going to work you have to talk more with each other. Otherwise it's not worth it and you'll both be together just to be in a relationship.

We'll be here for you!