[pretzel]

Personally, I see the strength growing just from the first post to this last one.

Last week before you joined, I know you were ready to tell him that you were no longer in love with him and that divorce was something that you felt was best. Now a week later, you've actually told him how you felt and that you're ready to do this and that you're also ready to face the backlash from your family.

That's strength that many wish they had.

[Ashlee T.]

You walk this earth once. Live for you. Live for you girl.......and when YOU are happy, you will have the capability of making so many others happy, of going so far in your life, of being the woman you want to be.

I know you don't want to disappoint the folks, but if they are truly Christians, they will understand it is not their place to place judgement upon you for your choices. If they are truly Christians, then they believe that we all have an inherent right to be happy, to be free in our souls, to not be chained by the evil of others. And if they are truly Christians, and believe in the Bible, then they cannot argue that in the book of Matthew it clearly says that divorce is wrong except in cases of adultery. And remember, they (your parents), are not your judge. For those that judge you........ pray for them because they will be judged even harsher.

That feeling of joy you felt when he was gone.......I've felt it. It's an incredible feeling. That's your soul talking....listen to it. Stand your ground. Live your life. Be happy....and don't let ANYONE steal your sunshine.

[curlygirl18]

Thank you all for support.

I am unsure if my parents will ever come around. The thing is that I never tell them anything, ANYTHING, and sort through things myself. They have no idea about the cheating and about the DUI. They only know about the drugs and that's only because I needed money help at that time.

I didn't want to tell them because a) I didn't think it was their concern and didn't want them to have a bad image of him (I'm dumb) and b) I didn't have the strength to leave then so no matter what they would have said I would have stayed with him anyways.

When I am ready to tell them I think I will write a letter telling them that they are unaware of many things that went on in the marriage and I am not ready at this point to tell them. I am also going to request that they respect my privacy and leave me alone because I do not want a barrage of guilt questions.

I'm not ready for that yet and hope that on Monday I will have even more strength after I speak to the therapist.

I am also unsure of what steps to take next. Like do I have to let him move back in? In my state my understanding is that if I file for a legal separation, he has to be out of the house because I own it, but unless we both agree to a divorce, we have to stay separated for one year before we can file for divorce. I really don't know the next steps.

I feel like my family will think I am a quitter for not even trying counseling and then I start to wonder if I am quitting for not trying it but I know deep down I wouldn't be happy and never be able to trust him again anyways nor do I want to try. I do not love him anymore.

He is not worth it to me which is a horrible thing to say but I think even if we went to counseling it's too late. I don't care if he fixes himself. Because I'm already so far gone.

[Hopeless Dork]

You have to stop living for your parents, for your husband... and start living for yourself. You have one shot at life that you know of, and why should you spend it miserable? Do you see how many men are walking this earth? Do you have any idea how many of them would treat you well and make you happy? Do you know you can find that happiness without a man? (it sounds like you are figuring that one out ) A husband, a boyfriend, should COMPLIMENT your exsistence, not make it a living h.e. double hockeysticks. Having a partner means not having to face this world alone and that is a BEAUTIFUL thing... but having someone just wear a badge that SAYS partner but in no way shape or form acts like one... is a HORRIBLE thing.

Yes your parents gave you life, they raised you... as much as they complain about this or that at the heart of everything they want you to be HAPPY and safe. Do they know about his substance issues? Do they know about the cheating? Do not let them think you are just the bad guy in order to protect him from their glares. Be honest with your folks, sit down and explain your misery and explain how good inside you feel when you don't have to worry about him and what things he's doing to tear you down emotionally.

They may not get it, they may still think being married to someone awful trumps being single... but they would be wrong, and if your parents told you the sky was green, you'd still love them and respect them.. but you would have to acknowledge the fact that it is BLUE... not green, and while they may be happy seeing it as such, you don't have to pretend to see it that way to in order to show them you love them.

[curlygirl18]

I can't even tell you how nice it is to have all this support. Thnk you all so much.

My dad has been respecting my need for alone-ness. My mom not so much. She called and I ignored her, as I believe I wrote in an earlier post, and today she called and left a vm asking me if I would meet them for coffee tomorrow afternoon.

I haven't called back and am torn as to what to do. My mind is more solidified than ever regarding this divorce but the weight of them (my parents) still is crushing me so I just have ignored it completely.

My brother, my only family member who is supporting me in this, told me to just go and tell them and be strong. But my whole goal was to wait fo my session on Monday and then feel stronger/get more techniques to ward off their own manipulations on my life and then then meet with them.

My best friend said to wait.

I'm not sure. I was just going to write them a letter discussing my decision and askingthem to give me time to be alone and do this. However, I see what Hopeless Dork is saying - no, they dont know anything. They know about the drug stuff at the beginning of the relationship and that's it.

Maybe they'd be more understanding if I did tell them that stuff but I didnt want to taint him before and now I just am annoyed that I need to jstify my decision to them. I dont know!!! Wait or not...

[Allie602]

Do you parents know the extent of the devotion to this man you have shown over the years despite the drugs and cheating? Don't you get any time off for good behavior for all the times you have forgiven and tried to reconcile? Marriage does take commitment and the religious people are against divorce but I doubt if a loving and just God would demand more of a woman than you have done.

You have not abandoned your marriage on a whim, you sacrificed, you suffered, and you endured. With all of that, your husband could not recognize the gem of a woman he had, he could not value you. He may be coming to a realization of your value now and that is a good thing for him but for you - you my dear have been through a kind of , a trail by fire and you have come out of it a whole person.

You sound like a lovely and compassionate person and I am certain you wish to cause your husband no needless pain. But pain cannot always be avoided, it has the power to convert us like no other emotion can, so let your husband experience his pain. Don't short circuit his potential transformation by sacrificing yourself. He has to feel his pain, it may be his salvation and the only way he will become the man he needs to be. You have given what you can to him, you can't protect him from feeling the pain of his own making. His situation may be the best thing that has ever happened to him.

As for your parents, tell them all that you have been through - it will be good for you to declare your reality. They have not endured with you throughout this difficult journey so they cannot fully understand your actions. You know what you have done and you know what you need to do. Just because you are happy to be liberated does not mean you should enter back into the prison does it? I think there is a Bible parable something about - "in my house there are many rooms if it were not so I would have told you" I interpret that to mean that each one of us has our own life's journey, its unique for each soul, your journey is not the same as your parents - they are not wrong and neither are you. I wish you the very best that life has to bring.

[curlygirl18]

Thank you for your kind words.

I talked to my sister last night and told her everything, well almost everything, about why I wanted to and was ready to leave the marriage. I'm not sure if i mentioned this in an earlier post but she is exactly like my parents.

She changed her mind. She supports me now.

It was just another small step. I felt glad I told her and glad to have her behind me but I am still very nervous to talk to my parents.

Also, I still haven't come out directly and told him that I am done. I have just told him I dont' love him anymore. I am going to need to talk to him as well.

[Allie602]

I am so glad your sister is reasonable and understanding. Can she go with you when you speak to your parents?

If I may offer you advice about talking to your husband. Although you are no doubt angry, it might be easier to handle if you just express how hurt you have been and why you no longer feel love for him in a nonconfrontational way. Men seem to understand and hear women when communication is very clear and concrete. In other words, tell him exactly what has happened from your stand point, all of your attempts to remedy the situation and how lonely and unhappy your were. Be very specific most men don't hear you if you are not direct, make it like your giving him a list. Also the cheating and the lies, that usually kills love tell him that you know he cheated no matter how he lies.

If you talk to him in an angry way, he will not hear but, if you try to be calm and tell him what he did and how it affected you, then he is more likely to hear.

It important for you and him to hear you, it will definitely help you move on and it may help him.

Be prepared for him to be remorseful and wanting you to give him a chance. Again I would say to tell him calmly how many chances you gave him and how you hoped he would keep his promises. Each time took its toll and this may have killed you love. Maybe take today to write things down so that when you talk to him it is clear. Some will say to give him another chance but there is a limits, there are boundaries. Even Job from the old testament was released from suffering we regular people need release too when suffering is ongoing. Maybe you can share Job's story with your parents.
You didn't ask but I have to say this about devotion the bible. There are messages in the bible that cover every contingency in life. Some of it is contradictory or obscure. In my opion we are meant to come to God in our own personal way and talk and pray directly to him. We can't follow a scrip because our lives are so different.

Also i have to say this, I think your husband did a terrible thing to you if he hid his true nature from you until you married. You probably loved the person he pretended to be and not who he is.

You sound so strong and resolute for someone so young and traumatized, I know you will recover from this and be able to find a man who will see the person you are.

[Guest]

Enough's enough! I give you huge kuddos for staying in there as long as you have, but this guy is not going to change.

As some have said before.....do whatever makes YOU happy.

The time for you to start thinking about and looking out for you, is looooong overdue.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You were surprised at how your Sister handled the situation, you believed she would be just like your parents

Your brother already supports you.

There is a reason for that. It's because, quite honestly, none of them know at all what you have been through, and the drugs etc....If they did, it would be different as it is now.

I also thought my parents would feel I was a failure when I wanted a Divorce until i spoke to them and realised that they could see I wasn't happy and when they realised all that occured with emotional abuse, they were right there next to me all the way...

Get stronger...

That's my advice an keep going down the path your going....