[curlygirl18]

Ladies I don't even know you but you have helped me get so much stronger and have boosted me when I needed it the most this last week. I wish I could do something to show my appreciation!

To answer a few questions - my sister cannot go with me unfortunately because she lives in a different state. My brother cannot either as he lives three hours away.

My sister originally was about counseling counseling counselring but when I opened up yesterday she understood - was in shock, but understood.

I know I need to talk to him in a calm and direct way - I am worried that I wont be able to maintain that composure though. I also dont know where this conversation should take place. Public? Probably. I will wait for my first session tomorrow and discuss these things with her, but this week I have gotten so much stronger already, with the help of my friends and you guys.

I know he will try to get back with me and that is what is very worrisome. I need to be strong and resist that manipulation.

I wrote my parents a heartfelt and sincere and factual letter that I am going to send tonight. (email) I am going to call first so they know I am sending i but I feel that is the best for me since I a) wont have to look at them, b)get everything out I want to get out and c) not hear any questions right away. I'm not sure what I want to answer yet but in the letter I ak them to wait until tomorrow to contact me.

I'm sure they will be shocked by what they read but I want them to have time to absorb and come up with questions. I am EXTREMLELY nervous to send this to them. Extremely. I am hoping that once they read it they will come around but as my best friend said if not **** them.

This is my life. I need to take it, as many of you have said. Thnk you for all of our kind and encouraging words. It means SO MUCH.

[curlygirl18]

Okay so I told my parents. I listened to your advice and told them more information - not extended details but quite enough to keep them satisfied. And they turned around and agreed with me. They said they would have told me to leave him long ago and I explained that I wasn't ready to leave yet. My dad was visibly annoyed that I didn't leave back then and he even said they never understood what I saw in him. They tried and grew to love him but never understood why I wanted to be with him.

They are supporting me with everything now.

Counseling also went very well.

My next step is this afternoon. I am meeting with him to talk to him and lay it out - I want a divorce. I will then ask him, as nicely as possible following your advice and others, to sign the papers so we can do this jointly and save ourselves money and extra things we do need.

I am nervous he will refuse, but I don't really care about that - I can file separately. What I am more concerned about is that he will insist, literally INSIST and demand, to come back to the house. At which point I will no longer be able to live there and it's MY house - I want to stay there.

I have to keep reminding myself that three months out of my house is worth it in the long run. Suck it up.

I dont think he is expecting this at all. I am very nervous about him signing the papers and all of that but it's a step that must be taken. Wish me luck.

[pretzel]

Okay so I told my parents. I listened to your advice and told them more information - not extended details but quite enough to keep them satisfied. And they turned around and agreed with me. They said they would have told me to leave him long ago and I explained that I wasn't ready to leave yet. My dad was visibly annoyed that I didn't leave back then and he even said they never understood what I saw in him. They tried and grew to love him but never understood why I wanted to be with him.

They are supporting me with everything now.

Counseling also went very well.

My next step is this afternoon. I am meeting with him to talk to him and lay it out - I want a divorce. I will then ask him, as nicely as possible following your advice and others, to sign the papers so we can do this jointly and save ourselves money and extra things we do need.

I am nervous he will refuse, but I don't really care about that - I can file separately. What I am more concerned about is that he will insist, literally INSIST and demand, to come back to the house. At which point I will no longer be able to live there and it's MY house - I want to stay there.

I have to keep reminding myself that three months out of my house is worth it in the long run. Suck it up.

I dont think he is expecting this at all. I am very nervous about him signing the papers and all of that but it's a step that must be taken. Wish me luck.

Good luck. Don't let anything negative out what happens today effect what you want. There will be some bitterness and it may be very ugly. Don't let him dictate the situation.

[Ashlee T.]

That's all very good news. I can understand being nervous, but just know that you may have to go through some "stuff" to get to where you want to be in this (which is single again, free from the burden he's placed on you, and happy to live your life!!!). It may not be easy, but little is that's worth working for. Keep your head up, do what is right for you. And now more than ever, be aware of what you originally said about being easily manipulated. Put your foot down and don't let it happen.

Good luck!!

[Allie602]

If it is your house than you are legally supported in living there and can also ask him to leave for just cause. The cause is irreconcilable differences and failure honor your request to get his budinsky out. If he insist on staying, I am not sure you have grounds for calling the police and having his escorted out if he raises his voice and agues with you. You can then get a restraining order. You also need to get a legal separation that will put you on better ground legally. He does not have to agree to a divorce I don't think. Getting him to sign it, I don't know about a refusal to do so but, there must be some legal redress.

What ever you do DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. It will be difficult to get back in legally. It is your house house so your legal position for him to leave and you to stay is strong. Can't remember if you have kids but, with kids your position is almost irrefutable. Anyway DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. I would have the meeting with him in a place other than your house. I think you can also change the locks but find out form a lawyer. I would do that before the meeting with him. You can make arrangements for him to get his stuff by a 3rd party after the legal separation or restraining order.

This is often the most dangerous period for a woman wanting a divorce and meeting resistance from her husband so you have to be careful. Don't meet with him alone, no matter what he says. Now is the time to close your heart to him and open it to you. Take a friend who can stand apart so as not to hear but don't meet with him by yourself. You can also carry out all further meetings in a layers office.

Stay strong, you are right in your position. Of course you will feel your heart being pulled if he cry's or looks pitiful, you are human. But don't be human and a sacrificial lamb. Just think of it this way if he has truly changed, he will have the opportunity to give it a try with someone else, he will not die without you. He may hurt but, hurt is a good teacher. You have worked hard to hold things together and your time is up, every one has to set boundaries so as not to be a door mat and a fool. I am so glad things are going your way. Best of luck.

[curlygirl18]

To update:

He signed the papers and he said he would leave me stay at the house with no interference from him. He was upset, crying, begging me to stay, he loved me, can't live without me, I am his life, he wants to go to counseling with me (that was a theme), don't do this. Intermittently he threw out there that I was cheating on him ("who was I f*cking"), only needed him for his money (makes no sense), and was just using him.

He texted awhile ago a long text about loving me, he will never be with another woman fo his whole life, some dramatic stuff then he asked if I would work on it for us, separate for awhile and then date and see how it goes. I told him I made my decision and to stop texting or I would block him. He said ok.

I feel numb.

[Ashlee T.]

Whew. I just want to say YOU GO GIRL for standing up for what you want, being proactive, being honest, and straightforward. You have everything it takes to have a wonderful happy life.....and now you have the opportunity to have that.

Stay strong. The initial numbess and bad feelings from this will pass. Happiness and freedom is definitely on it's way for you my friend.

I commend you for being such an awesome strong woman.

[curlygirl18]

Thank you. I cried for about 5 minutes last night - good sobs, but it definitely wasnt enough. Took a half day today because I am so emotionally exhausted but that didn't help. We'll see.

He came back last night and tried to take the papers with him but I said I was doing it either way. He kept begging for counseling, asking "why am I doing this"? I told him he could take them, it didn't make a difference. He left them.

I texted his mom today telling her I wanted to talk to her but wasn't sure what to say and asked her to please call me if she wants to talk. she wrote back and said she will call in a few days, she's not quite up to it yet.

Of course I immediately felt bad, wondered if she's mad at me, what he told her, what she thinks, probably that this is so quick, why am I not trying counseling, etc. I have no idea what I will say to her. My friend said I should stick with saying I'm not happy and I don't love him, not badmouth him (obviously) or anything like that. I really have no clue what I will say and I feel really bad. Now I'm letting HER feelings affect me! Ugh.

Filing the papers today.

I know she will probably ask why I wont try counseling and I have no idea of what he may have told them. They probably think I am giving up, I go out all the time, I'm cheating, etc.

[Ashlee T.]

Sure....he's their son and I'm sure to some extent they think he pee's diamonds, but at the same time, they know him. I agree you shouldn't "badmouth" him when you speak to her, but I do think its important she know some of the particulars as to why you've chosen to divorce. Because I can almost garauntee you they'll hear his side of the story. So why not throw yours out there a bit too? Ultimately, it doesn't matter what they think, but I can understand you not wanting them thinking you're a run around, cheating, etc. So be honest with her.

Yes, he's going to beg you. He's going to make you feel so guilty, so awful. Because he wants to win. Right now he's actually seeing consequences for his actions, and he doesn't know how to deal with them. The only reason someone continuously begs is if they think eventually you'll wear down and change your mind. Doesn't matter how many years of hurt he put you through.....he'll forget all that, and he'll become the poor pitiful husband who's been left by his wife. That's what manipulators do.

Counseling is a good option when BOTH people agree the marriage is in trouble and both agree they want to try to work it out. But sometimes, someone can do you so wrong that you lose your love for them and counseling then seems like a waste of time. Counselors make big bucks, but they can't make love appear where it doesn't exist.

My suggestion is to steer clear of him. Your mind is made up, I'm sure you've explained to him why you no longer want to be with him, papers are being filed today, and soon it will be time to totally move on with your life. In the meantime, remember, you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself.

[Lunar Keiki]

Hi, I have not read every post, but I have read most. And I have to tell you--once this is behind you, you are going to feel this huge weight lifted off your shoulders. I think you are feeling it already. i remember when i went through my divorce, I had much of the same emotions as you, but I was so tired of being treated like a second class citizen. The minute I moved out (I was living in him place) and got my own place, I felt like the sun finally started shining. When I would think of his place, it was dark and cold. I would think of my place, and everything was bright and warm and sunny. It was hard, but so worth it.

You have your whole life ahead of you. No kids, no commitment--the world is all yours. You can do anything you want and you never have to answer to anyone. Your parents are on board, you have your sister, and you have friends. Smile, dance and don't look back. 2011 is going to be your year!