[Lunar Keiki]

Oh, and I have another little tidbit to add. My in-laws are still a part of my life and we have been divorced for almost 9 years! No, they are not grandma and grandpa to my kids--not technically because the kids are from my first husband. But for all intents and purposes they are. Every year, for the Thanksgiving weekend, my FIL rents a cabin at the beach and we spend the weekend there with them--just them, me and the kids. My ex is not invited. And from what I gather, he has distanced himself from most of his family. His priorities just seem off. Anyway, my point is, give it a little time--your MIL may come around and realize that she can have a relationship with you even if you are no longer married to her son. Just never ask her about him or put her in the middle of things. If she asks about counselling, just tell her that the marriage is over and you have been very unhappy and it isn't fair to him for you to stay when your feelings have changed. Make it seem like you are ultimately thinking of his best interests but mention that you no longer have feelings for him. Then you aren't bad-mouthing him or blaming him.

[Allie602]

Thank you. I cried for about 5 minutes last night - good sobs, but it definitely wasnt enough. Took a half day today because I am so emotionally exhausted but that didn't help. We'll see.

He came back last night and tried to take the papers with him but I said I was doing it either way. He kept begging for counseling, asking "why am I doing this"? I told him he could take them, it didn't make a difference. He left them.

I texted his mom today telling her I wanted to talk to her but wasn't sure what to say and asked her to please call me if she wants to talk. she wrote back and said she will call in a few days, she's not quite up to it yet.

Of course I immediately felt bad, wondered if she's mad at me, what he told her, what she thinks, probably that this is so quick, why am I not trying counseling, etc. I have no idea what I will say to her. My friend said I should stick with saying I'm not happy and I don't love him, not badmouth him (obviously) or anything like that. I really have no clue what I will say and I feel really bad. Now I'm letting HER feelings affect me! Ugh.

Filing the papers today.

I know she will probably ask why I wont try counseling and I have no idea of what he may have told them. They probably think I am giving up, I go out all the time, I'm cheating, etc.

I am worried that you are letting him back in the house, especially since he seems to want to change your mind. He is also still delusional about who caused the problems. If he is still lying and making false accusation even though he wants to get back together tells you that it will be more of the same if you go to therapy. He will continue to lie and fabricate loves for you.

If he were sincere, he would tell you how much he regrets the drugs cheating and false accusations. Instead, he continues not admitting his part and has the nerve to accuse you anew. Now are you convinced that you have done the right thing? Even in the face of "not being able to live without you," he cannot apologize and express his regret or admit what he has done. He has no respect for the person you are because he expects you to fall for his lies like you did in the past.

I have to disagree with you about what you will tell his mother. I think you should tell the truth of exactly what happened. I don't think I would mention not loving him, it sounds too cold and they will not react favorably to a woman who says does not love their son, even though it is justified. The reason I think you should tell all is because that's what happened to you with their son, if you had to live through it then why can't you share the burden. They are lucky to just hear about it and not to have lived with it for 4 yrs. Also tell them about the false allegation of cheating and tell them how long you were protecting him and now you can no longer protect him. You can't control their reaction or protect them from the pain of the truth. They need to know what their son is so that when he needs help with his mental problems they will know what they are dealing with.

I have to say one more thing, it may be too soon for you to contemplate how you let this happen. I am not blaming you but letting you know you have control and that is a good thing. You decided to overlook major flaws with this man and allowed the relationship to go on. You don't have to ever do that agin because now you see how harmful it is. So pay attention to red flags and your intuition, drop the bad eggs pronto and make room for the good.

[curlygirl18]

Anyway, my point is, give it a little time--your MIL may come around and realize that she can have a relationship with you even if you are no longer married to her son. Just never ask her about him or put her in the middle of things. If she asks about counselling, just tell her that the marriage is over and you have been very unhappy and it isn't fair to him for you to stay when your feelings have changed. Make it seem like you are ultimately thinking of his best interests but mention that you no longer have feelings for him. Then you aren't bad-mouthing him or blaming him.

She has not called yet and I highly doubt I'd still have a relationship with her. We were never close. In fact, I'm not too fond of my in-laws but have always been extremely appreciative of the support they have given me regarding him. But letting her know i'm unhappy and how unfair it is to him is a great idea, thank you.

[curlygirl18]

I have not figured out how to reply to multiple posts with a quote box yet, sorry! Allie - I completely agree. I need to pay attention to red flags and my intuition. I like all of your comments and agree with them, especially about how it would be more of the same if he went to therapy.

I will not be letting him back in the house without a 3rd party and will definitely be ignoring all of his texts unless it pertains to bills or finances. i'm not sure how long to wait until I get together with him to sign the rest of the papers. I want to get this moving fast.

I filed yesterday but still need to do the financial things. I think I should probably wait a week to give him time to realize this is definitely happening. But I dont know and dont want to wait too long.

[BabyGirl]

Curley


Is it possible to get what we here in the USA call a Legal Separation ?

Where , basically you agree to live apart ( for what ever reason ) Papers are signed, Assets are divided with rules that both must abide by .. This gives the Divorce Court & Others the fact that you & he cannot be in a Married " State of Mind" at this time. ?

If he is willing to go to Counseling with you .. And you are willing to go & see if he see's or feels the same thing , Meaning your marriage is DONE or can it be worked on ? See if His parents are willing to have him Live with THEM during this time ?

Usually Parents will Welcome back into their arms & home if they know their Child is in the Right, or they will say " No Way " I raised him, he's on his own.

This will help you & him & them, understand if he is a person that is Loved, Can Be Loved or just let Someone else take over the " Problem ".. The Same goes with Your Parents. Sometimes Parents do want the Best for their Children,

[curlygirl18]

It is possible, yes. But it is not something I want. I do not love him and do not believe he will ever change, especially when he won't admit he has a problem. He won't admit to anything wrong. I will not be able to trust him again, nor do I have any desire to try. I have been pushed too far - I'm checked out.

[Allie602]

In one sense CG you are still putting him before you. ..........

"I filed yesterday but still need to do the financial things. I think I should probably wait a week to give him time to realize this is definitely happening. But I dont know and dont want to wait too long." WTF

It will take him 10 to 15 years to realize what he lost, a week won't make a difference. It's going to take time for you to get out of the habit of deferring to him and his wants and needs but you got to do what you got to do. Think about what you need to do without reference to him. You have been serving 2 masters for 4 years - him first and then you way down to the bottom. Would you mind pushing him off the top of all your lists and put you there? Please.

[curlygirl18]

Allie, you are so right. You really struck a nerve with me and I smiled and totally agreed so I sent the paperwork to his house yesterday.

I talked to his mom and she didnt want to know any information but from certain comments she made it seems apparent that he told her I cheated. She said she would get him to fill out the paperwork so to send it over.

She also said he was devastated. I'm sure he was. No way to control me anymore.

[Allie602]

Allie, you are so right. You really struck a nerve with me and I smiled and totally agreed so I sent the paperwork to his house yesterday.

I talked to his mom and she didnt want to know any information but from certain comments she made it seems apparent that he told her I cheated. She said she would get him to fill out the paperwork so to send it over.

She also said he was devastated. I'm sure he was. No way to control me anymore.

How are you doing CG. Hope things are going well and that you are staying safe and strong (((HUGS)))