[i_said_it_once]

What are a guy’s reasons to have friends that are female when they are engaged and about to get married? Or even if they’re married and want to have female friends? I can’t see why would a man want to go out with other female friends when they are married or about to get married. The only thing I could think of is that the guy and his fiancee or wife have an open relationship. She is allowed to date male friends and he is allowed to date female friends.

Are the guys looking for female friends who are much better, smarter, outgoing, and well-received by others, popular, and who want to be put on the pedestal? Shouldn’t they be looking at their fiancees or wives that way instead of some other female friends? How many guys out there are honest and faithful enough to keep the relationships friendly or will they find excuses to get into casual affairs with their female friends?

I would have to admit that I would stay away from guys who are married or about to get married even though the guy said that he only wanted to be friends. It would be so awkward to cross the line and finding yourself explaining that it wasn’t what the other person was thinking. Either that the guy would accuse the girl of trying to get too close even though he only wanted to be friends.

A friend is someone you would look after, protect, and support in every way. You would always find time to be there for the sad and torubled times when it would be needed most. If a guy is engaged and wants to do all these things, than he is involved with mulitple partners. More over, if a guy is married, what does he talk about when with another female friend or where does he take his female friend on a date? Why wouldn’t the guy spend the time to talk or play dates with his fiancee or wife? It doesn’t make sense at all.

I know a guy who is engaged but wants to be my friend because he wants some female friends even though he is about to walk down to the altar. I find it really awkward to be his female friend. I just don’t think guys will do what they intend to do.

[SurferGal]

So, you are saying that my friendship with my guy friend who is married is totally inappropriate? That one day we WILL cross the line, and we have nothing to talk about nor are we allowed to have a good time together....because he's marred?

No offense....[edit rude comment]. Clearly you have jealousy issues if you can't accept men and women having friends of the opposite sex even AFTER marriage.

Just because a women or man is married doesn't mean that they can only be that, only talk to their wife/husband, only go out with them or other married couples.

Life and friendships do not end when you get married....I would never even consider cutting out my guy friends just because I had a BF or was engaged.

[edit rude comment]

[Seniora]

Hey, Surfergal, go easy, this blogger just wants to UNDERSTAND. There are many people out there who don't understand friendships between the sexes as being precisely that. Plenty of males share this view too: that sexual tension will always be present is a hugely controversial area in human understanding. My daughter thinks like you do, but she's only 27 and inexperienced. This is a far more complex issue than meets the eye.

What "I said it once" says is quite right to make somebody feel insecure - engaged to be married and trying to seek out female friends right at that time does sound suspicious, but I had a male friend in the same situation. This was in the 1970's and he and I were living at the same boarding house. We were the greatest of mates, even when my (now) husband came into the picture - we were sometimes out as a three-some, but he did see his fiance on weekends as she lived 100km away at the time. We never had the slightest sexual thing between us - just a great rapport, lots of jokes and talks about our relationships, as well as nicknames: we called each other "Mouldy".

Some men need to talk about their feelings and other men just don't know how to do that. I've had males as friends all my married life - I enjoy them hugely - and they never, ever (oh, except once) were sexual in nature. My husband is a sensitive man and he's had lots of female friends over the years. This has never been a problem as I've always known about them and, well, so what? But please try and understand that some females and males don't have these kinds of bonds between the sexes and find it hard to understand. Be suspicious, yes, but also open to the idea that these things CAN successfully happen. You'll soon enough find out if the motive is anything but honest.

[SurferGal]

How sad that you think your 27 year old daughter is inexperienced. She's an adult, and clearly knows that things are not black and white anymore.

I resent that you think someone who is almost in their 30's is inexperienced. I'm 28, and have been through a heck of a lot in this world. Enough to know that just because one person has a penis and one person has a vagina doesn't mean that sex has to happen or there needs to be any awkward tension.

Didn't sound like the "blogger" wanted to understand anything. She points out that when men and women are friends they go on "dates" when they hang out. Really? So today when I went to lunch with my male co-worker who is a friend we were on a date? And when I met up with one of my best friends last night for dinner (who is also male) we were on date? Wow.....I didn't know I dated so many guys! Yes there are men out there who get themselves in relationships with women and then look for action on the side, but for every 1 of those that are out there, there are 100 guys who genially just want friendship. A person can never have too many friends.

I understand people think differently, I do. But I don't want any other women on here thinking she can't have male friends or her BF or husband can't have female friends without there being a reason why they are friends. A friend is a FRIEND....you shouldn't judge someone's friendship based on their sex. Period.

[i_said_it_once]

Surfergal, you need some lessons on sensitivity and compassion for others who think differently than you.

I am going to ask you nicely to stop reply to this post becase you’re not welcome. This is my post. I am requesting someone who is older than 40 to reply.

[caterpillar79]

Posters come here seeking help to achieve acceptance, understanding, clarity, guidance - various noble, humane reasons in order to address the difficult situations they are handed.

Please remember everyone that this is a respectable forum. This thread would be closed if decorum is not practiced by participants/posters of this thread.

[Seniora]

Caterpillar - I don't believe I said anything disrespectful at all. Be careful whom you sweep up with your chastising comments.

I was trying to sympathise with the blogger who started this Thread. I stick by what I said: maturity comes with many, many years of experience - that is one of the FEW benefits of aging. We see things so very very differently as we age and one thing becomes clear; life is far more complex than simply black and white. I hope the original blogger was able to read my contribution and take it on board.

[ItsASecret]

As a woman I prefer my friends to be male, why? Because I am not a girly girl. The though of having to sit down for coffee and listen to "omg I bought these shoes today they are soooo cute you should see them" or the latest episode recap of America's next top model...not my idea of a good time. I am also not a party doll myself up and hit the bars and clubs to "just have fun and dance" type girl. I like to go out and get muddy while quading, dirt biking, getting messy when I go fishing, talking about cars, a day at the spa is not something I want...I am just that type of girl and more guys can fall into those categories so I prefer to be friends with them. So if a guy has common interests and genuinely wants to become friends because of that then right on. I have a bf but would I ever sleep with a guy friend if he made advances? Absolutely not, I define myself with self-respect and dignity and cheating to me is the utter lack of those qualities so I will never do that. If I were single though I would also not want to sleep with a male friend because of that fine line that separates staying friends and losing a friend after sex or something sexual has happened. I value a close relationship with a male friend far too much to be willing to risk it over a 5 minute romp.

[Seniora]

ItASecret - I really relate to that as I've had many more male friends (mates) than female - even since I was 17 or so. There are just less issues with gossip, jealousy and that sort of thing. I've known and loved some wonderful female friends, though. I never felt compelled to talk about shoes etc. with males (ja naturlich!!) but enjoyed these discussions now and again with females. I prefer to talk about books, films, music, current political things, culture, history, relationships, work, business, retirement etc.

Some of us are more comfortable with men, others with women - it all makes the world go round!

[KMonte85]

What are a guy’s reasons to have friends that are female when they are engaged and about to get married? Or even if they’re married and want to have female friends? I can’t see why would a man want to go out with other female friends when they are married or about to get married. The only thing I could think of is that the guy and his fiancee or wife have an open relationship.

This is a long standing debate - can women and men just be friends without anything more coming of it? Many people do not believe so, but I am one who does. People (not JUST men) seek out friendships, even when married. There is something about a relationship with a friend that is different than a relationship with a spouse. We're all just looking for kindred spirits. And I for one, don't believe that I have to limit 50% of the population from being an eligible friend because their plumbing doesn't match mine. Completely platonic man/woman friendships do exist, and they can prosper without becoming innappropriate. It doesn't mean that their spouse is not giving them something they need causing themlook elsewhere, it just means they are looking for another person in the world to have a bond with - be that person male or female.

A friend is someone you would look after, protect, and support in every way. You would always find time to be there for the sad and torubled times when it would be needed most. If a guy is engaged and wants to do all these things, than he is involved with mulitple partners.

I disagree with this - because you care about someone else besides your significant other doesn't mean you're in a multiple partner situation. Men with male friends care for one another, support one another and will protect each other. Women with female friends will do the same. Does that mean that they are in a homosexual relationship? Or does the partnership concept only apply if the friends are of different genders? Why should the gender dictate how appropriate or inappopriate the friendship is? As far as I'm concerned, the more friends (of any gender) we have, the more joyful our lives are.