[mdraven380]

I'm missing my family very much. My mom,dad,brother-in-law and sister are all passed away. I have one remaining sister and my niece and her kids but we don't see each other that much. All I really feel like I have is my BF and when he starts drinking he gets mean most of the time. He doesn't hit me he just belittles me. I'm feeling isolated and have lost some friends becasue they are angry with me for not visisting them that much in the past year since I've been with my BF. These friends I speak of life about 45 minutes away. I'm with my BF and his kids everyday. The kids are with their mom on the weekends. I cook dinner for them which I don't mind at all. I like to have them to eat dinner with. Everything else between me and my BF would be fine if he just wouldn't say such hurtful things to me when we are having an arguement. He says he's sorry but these hurtful things stick in my miond and then I can't let go of them. It's starting to build resentment in me and I don't want to feel that way. I'm afraid to talk to him about it because I don't want to seem confrontational. He says he loves me and he doesn't know how else to get back at me other then say cruel things to me. I wish I could make these thoughts go away and just focus on the good things. I know no one is perfect and I just try to accept this about him because I get a lot of good things from him in return. I've felt suicidal again due to the fact that I feel like a big nothing since I think of the things he says to me. I'm still going to the counselor but haven't had a chance to tell her yet because she wants me to talk about other things. I just feel so lonely but I know it could be a lot worse.

[caterpillar79]

Missy....go out and have time for yourself, just for a moment. Walk to the park and do some deep breathing.

You've definitely discussed this issue with your BF for some time now, and I'd venture that as much as he'd like to stop, he couldn't just stop the alcohol which gets him to be off guard and let go with his words. On one hand, whatever is "inside", alcohol gets to draw it out of you, intensifies the feeling you've tried to consciously and successfully keep under control when sober, and out it goes.

Try to come up with the reason as to why he'd say hurtful things to you. Ask him when he's sober. And then take it from there. (I'd come back and write more to you later. I need to get some baking done quickly....)


Take care, dear. Be patient with yourself. Hugs from me.

[Texinator]

he doesn't know how else to get back at me other then say cruel things to me.

Why does he need to get back at you in the first place?

[WildChild]

This isn't the first relationship like this you've had. Why do you put up with it?

[mdraven380]

Why does he need to get back at you in the first place?

Well last weekend we went to Kareoke and an aqutance of our came in the bar. He is another DJ and is trying to get people to come to his bar so he bought everyone a shot and went around the bar giving everyone a hug and saying Hello including to my BF. I went up to sing a song and this same guy caught me off guard and hugged me and said good job. I didn't think anything of it. I noticed my bf's mood change but didn't put two & two together. My BF said you know I love you and I said well then why do you always call me stupid when we argue. All broke loose then. He told me to stop my BS and I said I was only asking a simple question so like a child he started to mock me. I pulled out my make up mirror and told him to take a look at the way he was acting so he told the bar tender to take my beer away from me. He was doing shots and I only had about 4 beers. I told him he was acting mean and he became very angry with me. So I walked away and askes some other friends if they could ride me home. I gave it time for things to cool down then went back over to him but he wouldn't speak to me. So I walked away again and started to cry. He later came over to me and the girls I was talking to and started yelling at me and pointing in my chest but not actually touching me. He told me he would take me home so I said ok. IN front of everyone he said "I love this girl" so I thought things were ok until I got in the car and he sarted yelling at me again and he always throws all my weaknesses in my face when he does this. Saying I'm to stupid to put a sweeper together and I worry about my cat too much and just stupid stuff that makes no sense. Even my friends didn't understand what he was talking about. So he was driving me home while pointing at me and yelling at me again and I just didn't say anything. finally I couldn't take it anymore and told him to get his finge out of my face. He dropped me off and sped away. I cried all night long and felt worthless. The next morning he called me and asked me if I was done being mad? I siad you were the one that was mad in the first place. He said"Do you really want to know why I was mad?" so of course I saind yes. He said he was mad at the fact that the other DJ hugged me! I said well why didn't you tell me in the first place then I could have reassured you and everything would have been alright and it wouldn't have escelated to that point.
He calles his 10 year old daughter a "F-in" idiot and that also bothers me. But then he turns around and tells he rhe loves her. He doesn't drink all the time only on the weekends. He is confrontaional with almost everyone in his life. Everything has to go exacly his way. I don't really ever see him compromise. But because he does have a lot of good qualities I have faith that things will work out with us. I have told him that he is too harsh with what he says but he says to me that doesn't all the good things he does make up for that bad quality about him? We have been together 13 months and I want things to work out. Also I have to deal with a lot of interference from 3 of his ex's. He calles his ex, the mother of his daughter at least once a week to scream at her and repremand her about something. Me, his ex, his daughter and step son all try to make things run smooth but he still finds a reason to yell about something.

[mdraven380]

This isn't the first relationship like this you've had. Why do you put up with it?

Because he is with me everyday and most of the time he is nice to me until he gets upset about something or has one to many drinks. He says he loves me and really do believe him.

[mdraven380]

Thanks for the hugs.

[pretzel]

Because he is with me everyday and most of the time he is nice to me until he gets upset about something or has one to many drinks. He says he loves me and really do believe him.

That could very well be true, as long as the following occur,

He doesn't get upset
He doesn't drink (which may be true for both of you)
He doesn't have to deal with his ex
You don't make waves
You don't tell him how you feel
You don't tell him what changes you'd like to see

He may very well love you and I'm quite sure it's mutual. But it is on his terms and his terms only.

[mdraven380]

Yes I agree with you. And something else he always tell me is that he doesn't want to be alone and I'm just as guilty of the same thing. Out of all the goofballs I've been with he is the least of the worst. He spends a lot of time with me and is affectionate. He thanks me for everything I do. He takes me out to eat and pays my way when we go out even though last weekend was the first time he did say he was sick of paying my way. I don't understand why he feels the need to put me down and then turns around and tells me how much he loves me.

That could very well be true, as long as the following occur,

He doesn't get upset
He doesn't drink (which may be true for both of you)
He doesn't have to deal with his ex
You don't make waves
You don't tell him how you feel
You don't tell him what changes you'd like to see

He may very well love you and I'm quite sure it's mutual. But it is on his terms and his terms only.

[Texinator]

He shouldn't be the least of the worst of the goofballs; he should be loving and respectful and have much more to offer you than just to be willing to spend time with you. You owe it to yourself not to settle for anything less.

No matter how much it might hurt you to be alone, not being in a relationship at all is still much better than being in a bad relationship, and I think that being with someone who puts you down to the point of making you feel suicidal easily qualifies as a bad relationship.