[mdraven380]

Glad you guys are all here to help me out.
I truely appreciate everyones opinion.

[WildChild]

I just hope this mans daughter doesn't grow up thinking that as long as a man shows her some affection it's okay for him to curse her, belittle her, talk down to her.

Bingo

Sounds like you found a man like dear old dad. Do you really want to spend your life with dad?
Wouldn't you like something a cut above?
Set some parameters and let this man know that this behavior is unacceptable. If he really wants you in his life, the drinking and getting ugly will stop. If not, you have your answer.

[mdraven380]

My sister said almost the same thing to me last weekend. She asked me why on earth I'd want to be with a man like dad?
The only thing I can figure out is like I said that I must be trying to resolve issues with my dad but I know that will never happen because he is gone.
I guess I get some kind of pay off or I would dump him.
Well I gotta run for now.
Thanks again for all the feed back.

Glad you guys are all here to help me out.
I truely appreciate everyones opinion.

[Texinator]

My sister said almost the same thing to me last weekend. She asked me why on earth I'd want to be with a man like dad?
The only thing I can figure out is like I said that I must be trying to resolve issues with my dad but I know that will never happen because he is gone.

Apparently there is a lesson that life is intent on teaching you. Maybe you didn't get a chance to resolve those issues with your father, but now you have the opportunity to get some closure by resolving them with your boyfriend. You need to put your foot down and tell him how you feel, no matter how he'll react. He might take it well and actually change... or he might just do some more insulting, in which case it'll be time to go. Regardless, you'll have stood up for yourself and for that which you deserve.

[WildChild]

I guess I accept the same etreatment from my BF that I accepted from my dad. It's familiar. Dad never hit me. He just called me stupid. He loved us but put us all down. I alsmost feel like I;m trying to fix mine and my dad's relationship by being with a man that is very similar to my dad. My dad passed away July 23rd 2009. I could never tell him how much he hurt me. I was afraid to. My dad was very ill for 10 years. I didn't want to make him feel any worse. I was afraid if I told him how much he hurt me in the past he would become more ill. I know he had regrets because his wife told me. She said she never saw a man suffer so much and she also told me that what he did to me, my mom and my sisters he has been paying for through his illness for years. I felt guilty. I loved my dad but I was afraid of him. I couldn't talk to him. I always tried to please him and get approval. Only once in a while would dad be pleased with me. My mom told me that nothing made my dad happy. Then she would tell me that I'm just like my father, nothing makes me happy. Then my dad would tell me that I'm just like my mom, I never shut up. lol. Well now I don't know what or who I am. I don't even know what I like anymore. sorry I'm having a counseling sesion here,lol

We all get and give a bit of counseling here. It works out.
I think you see some of what is going on. How are you going to resolve it? He does it because he can. Because he's been allowed to get away with it - probably all his life. Your dad got away with it too. I saw this growing up, my parents had some wonderful qualities but my dad had a problem with cyclic rage and my mother enabled it. After she died and he remarried, his wife wouldn't enable it. He still struggles a bit but she yanks the reins on that stuff so fast it's almost funny. And its the best thing that could of happened to him. She can do this because he loves her passionately and can't imagine being without her.

Unless your guy has equal motivation he may not change. But if he doesn't care about having you in his life enough to correct this negative behavior (it isn't like you are asking him to give up eating healthy food) then do you really want to be there?

I understand very well where you are coming from. Done it myself. Putting up with poor treatment just because every once in a while he throws you a scrap of caring. It's not worth it. It really isn't. You are worth so much more. It can hurt, you'll see other women who don't do half what you do for him and they are seemingly valued and loved and the man will do whatever he can to make her happy. Of course you don't know what's gone on behind the scenes but that's what it looks like. You just can't go by what other people have. Thing is so long as you are with some guy who doesn't value you there isn't any room in your life for someone who does. There are no guarantees, you don't know who will come along but you do know that you don't have to tollerate being treated as less than you are worth.

[caterpillar79]

Funny how our upbringing screws us in our relationships. We tend to marry or get attracted to a person who has the qualities of our parent/s. And we subconsciously tend to recreate the old dynamics, as its what's familiar, and in doing so, we are also attempting to resolve the issues we have with our parent/s, through the partner we're with. But this is impossible, you will never be able to find resolution unless you STOP.

A good relationship presents a partner who would enable you to recreate the dynamics we've grown up with, but he has the capability to help us heal and finally find closure. This is not from me, I was told this by a licensed professional counselor.

That being said, it's very difficult to get out of your current situation. You gravitate towards his "affection" and qualities (including the negative, which resemble your dad). How can you break the pattern, ask yourself that. There must be some way to meet half-way, work through it - the alcohol and the poor treatment in general. He needs to be VERY aware at how important it is for the health of ALL of you, especially his daughter.

If he fails to recognize the need to re-evaluate his conduct towards you, ( and people at home, generally), why stay? The affection he is showing you is not the kind of affection a woman with high self-worth would settle to. Not that I'm putting you down, but I would like you to be aware that that's what you're doing to yourself - you are de-valuing yourself by staying in such relationship.

Please have a thought about what all the good people here are trying to help you realize, for we do care. But we could not help much if you allow yourself to be in such pit all your life. Your life can change, it can improve - with the right partner. If he doesn't change, it only means one thing in my book - he is not worthy of such wonderful, sweet and loving lady such as yourself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's good that your going to councelling...

It's nice to be in a relationship.

I assume the councellor is discussing the passing of your loved onces, helping you through that at this point in time...

There is only one key that will un-lock this door.... Forgiveness.. Your Father was who he was, you are not like him, forgive him for the way he acted, smile in the knowing that you have and that you deserve better, your not like him and move forward with your life...

Until you do, you will continue to not see just how sexy, beautiful and kind you are... It's evident in all of your threads... And until you can see that in the mirror and say "it's okay, I'm okay, actually I'm beautiful"... You'll continue to attract men that "need" you, for their purposes, cooking, cleaning, caring for the children, sex, companionship, .... that have enough baggage to sink a ship, they themselves are lost, drinking is to forget the day, forget the problems, forget the past.... So, there are two of you trying to do the same thing.. both lonley....

Work on you, just enjoy the relationship for what it is, because when you cross that bridge, use the key to open the door to yourself, when you get there, this person "negative" will not be in your life as you will be positive searching only for like minded people..

Your fear of being on your own again, has cut off all your friends, it's also cut you off from being on here...

When you have had enough and you will, are they going to be there? We will, but will they?

Never live your whole life for one person, you live together as one, but you hold your independancy.

Your friends are right... Make time for them, how ever little that is...

CW

[mdraven380]

Thanks everyone for the advise.
We had a talk last weekend and It seems to have made a positive change. Things are going much nicer.
Of the subject here but since I started my new profile I can't seem to add any new pics. It keeps telling me that the file is to large. I really wanted to add some new photos but I can't.
Also CW it looks like you were able to merge my old friends to my new profile.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Try changing the size of your pictures, on your computer first, then try to up-load them to your profile..Glad the merge worked

[Allie602]

I am glad thinks are gong better. Would you consider setting boundaries and letting him know and if he violates them, then you will separate. Sometimes people need to be reminded that they can loose what the have if the don't appreciate it. Many relationships are tuned around if the partner who has not set boundaries deploys them and sticks to it.

We are all treated the way we allow our selves to be. I am not blaming or making you out to be wrong, just trying to encourage you to make a change in the way you think. If your are brave enough to do that I think the rewards will be great. You will see that you do actually have control and you can still get the love you need.

I am concerned that your therapist wanted to talk about things other than your suicidal thoughts. i am more concerned that you have them and that they are treated so casually. Will you promise the people who care about you that you will seek help if you have these feelings again? Insist that your therapist discuss them with you and take action. Maybe antidepressant would help.

Suicidal thoughts are very serious and cannot be take lightly. It concerns me that there is not someone around you that you can lean on when you are desperate. Is there anyone, a friend maybe that you have not tapped that may be just the right person at theses times? Take care of you - you deserve the best.