[MoMo30]

Hello, I'm a 30 year old and was dating a 26 year old for almost two years.

It was the happiest relationship that I have ever been in and my boyfriend, Erick, was also very happy.

Two months ago, everything changed, because I got pregnant. I had told Erick that I ran out of birth control, so that he was aware of the risk. Yet, he did nothing for backup protection and I got pregnant. We were both shocked and he said that he would support any decision that I made.

He never really said what he really wanted with our situation, one night he said that he was happy that I was pregnant with his child. Another time, he said that we could move in together, but never really made an effort to actually look for places.

So, being the little response that I received from him, and being that he had just started his first real job, I am still in my final year of graduate school, and that both of us have little no no savings, still live in our parents house and that I have no health insurance, I believed that having an abortion was best for us.

He was amazing during the entire process, took great care of me, even brought me flowers to remind me of happy times after this rough experience.

After the termination, he instantly became more distant. I went to my final abortion appointment to make sure the procedure was complete, alone. i had asked him to come with me, but he said that he had work, understandably.

But, I found out that he didn't have work, he was out to lunch with a co-worker. It hurt me so much that he could be out to lunch while I was at an abortion clinic, and be ok with that decision.

After this he became more distant, said he needed more space for deadlines at work. I gave this to him, and two weeks ago, the weekend that he was supposed to meet my parents, he told me that he no longer saw us together long term.

I was absolutely devastated-still am. I attempted to talk to him, told him that what we went through was an obstacle, but that there are obstacles in every relationship and that we could get through this.

He kept saying I don't know, what happened was really scary and too serious for me. He also mentioned that if I kept the child that he would still be with me.

I tried explaining to him that first, I didn't get pregnant on my own. He said that even knowing that I wasn't on birth control, he still expected me to take care of things. Second, I said that having an abortion ended the scary seriousness of the relationship, and that if I was to still be pregnant, that it would be like fifty times more serious, that I didn't think he was aware how much work raising a child was.

I tried everything I could to talk to him about this and try to work with him, but he's over it, wants to see other girls because we became too serious. I'm heartbroken and can't understand how this all went from being a wonderful relationship to completely over. What did I do wrong??!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum...

In reading what you wrote, I gage that you made the decision yourself on the abortion even if he agreed, it doesn't appear to have been a communicated conversation where both parties felt the same, rather maybe a conversation of what was for the best. You make reference at the end of your thread where you are justifying why you did it, so that suggests that it was mainly your decision....

It is such a difficult decision as if both parties aren't in total unity over it, one person will feel that they had a child and now it is no longer and resent the other person and I think this is the case here.

Also you state that you both live at home, at 30 and 26 and that your boyfriend of two years has only aquired his first real job... That suggests that, he has no goals, ambitions, and has pretty much roamed around life until now.. You also state that he was supposed to meet your parents recently, are you suggesting after 2 years he has never been to your home, where you live, with your parents and has never met them?

If that is the case, then your relationship wasn't very solid during that period of time and it seems that he is not a responsible person persay...

I hope you are okay , abortions are difficult to cope with, take care and perhaps count your blessings, relationships are about unity, and from what you wrote, it sounds more like you guys lived separate lives to a degree.....

CW

[jns]

You did nothing wrong. He wasn't ready for the doubts that would creep in from the abortion and I believe he is probably as bewildered by his reaction as you are. In an abortion, the parties involved have direct control over life or death of the fetus. Some may think they are ready for that role, but later find out that they don't want to go there.

[ren_07]

Chandler has a really good response to this. His behavior can be explained through other aspects of his life, aka he seems more like a "dreamer" than a "doer." This is further exemplified by the fact that he couldn't even state what he wanted to do about HIS child's life. I think once it finally hit him how serious all this was that happened, he wanted to bail because he's not too serious about anything right now and is realizing this. I find it hard to believe work is a priority in his life when he hasn't had a job in his late twenties. He sounds like the kind of guy who'll send you flowers on your birthday, but forget to pay the bills and put gas in the car. Rest assured, he does want to be emotionally involved with you (or someone in general) but realizes that he can't provide for another person or make stuff happen without effort that he's not ready to put in. I really wouldn't be surprised if you found him wondering back to you down the road once he is on his own and matures a bit. A woman and man who go thru an abortion together usually develop a special bond. I've seen many relationships that simply aren't working tough it out because the woman at one point got pregnant and had the abortion. It's a different bond, but a bond nonetheless.

The real question is, don't you think you deserve someone with more maturity than this guy? Do you really wanna wait around for a man to catch up to your level? Don't just look into those little moments that made you smile like when he got you the flowers and said he wanted to move in with you, but the bigger red flag moments that hurt you with his behavior (like him being able to eat a hearty lunch while you were aborting his child). Something tells me you know something is wrong with this situation but are willing to ignore it to make things work because you really like him.

[BabyGirl]

I must agree about what most here have said.

The one thing I will put in is the fact that it is Ultimately the Woman's Decision to Abort or not. But I must add that it is Both Partners that make the decision to have sex when either or Neither ar Protected from having a Child..

Not Everyone that is Madly in Love ,Married or have other feelings, are Ready to become Parents...

When and If a pregnancy occurs, Both should be involved, ( New tests that can show you within 1 week of missing your Period) are like $10.. As Accurate as a Dr's Visit ..

Looking at the Situation, you gave .. 2 Adults, living in Separate homes with Separate Parents. One attempting to finish School, Maybe having a Degree.

You Ran out of Birth Control ? And He Did Nothing to protect ? The Word is NO , No Sex until we get some Protection .
We are Not Protected.

There are so many places that he can get Condoms and you also other things for Protection.. For FREE!!

I am Sorry but also Proud that you made the Decision for YOU not to have a Child at this time. I think that is why there is a " Decision " made by us women these days .. ( Laws ) and not necessarily Religious ones..

It is Thankfully We have the Choice to Love, When and Where and Who. ( USA)

And For How Long ??

Only Your Loving Grand Parents/Family Members can Advise you on your Choices to Become a Mother/Father Or Not.

And Simply said ..
Having Sex has a possibility of Being a Parent,
Every time.. Unless YOU Say, Not this time and use Protection from it .

Or you are past the Menopause that lets us "Mature Women that DID it , Been There and Still have Virgins in their 20"s living Home ""

Still a Scary Thought .. But think of you & him Together for 20 years ?

Can you see him in 20 years ? Can You see You In 20 Years ?
Can You See Children and Grandchildren in 20 Years ?

You Made a Choice.. For the Next 20 years.. If you felt OK with it, it"s a good Choice, If you Feel Bad about it. It show's your Maturity and your vision of who you will become.

[Calicorado83]

A woman and man who go thru an abortion together usually develop a special bond. I've seen many relationships that simply aren't working tough it out because the woman at one point got pregnant and had the abortion. It's a different bond, but a bond nonetheless. .

This is so true. I have had two abortions, the first one was much like yours in the sense that the decision was made by me and not him, and in the end he did not come to my appointments and took off out of town to go live with family. But after his grief wore off we remained close and had a special bond even after four years. My bond with him almost came in the way of the relationship I am in now, actually! My second abortion was more of the decision of the boyfriend I was with at the time, and I had really wanted to keep it, but he didn't. We broke up after six months of dating but remained closely bonded for two years. I still feel a close bond to him but have cut off all communication with him for other reasons.

I agree with Chandler and it would be redundant for me to try and say anything else to match her words. And since you are new to the forum, I'll let you know if you ever need good advice, Chandler's got it.

But also know that you and him will ALWAYS have that special bond, and it will be a bond that no one else can share with you or understand. I don't know why a bond remains after and abortion, maybe it's because you both know deep down that you created a life together that could have changed your lives...but it's there and trust me, it's strong. You may be separated but there will be a bond there and both of you will treasure it and find it hard to let go. Take that into consideration when it comes to moving on past this relationship, because moving on sounds like the best decision right now.

[ManINeedACoffee]

I agree with what CW and others have said here. You haven't done anything wrong - he wasn't making any decisions, and you finally were adult enough to make one. Sure, ultimately, it was YOUR decision, but he needs to have the maturity to be in on it, and to be ready to deal with all that comes with it. It sounds like he had plenty of talk for you - saying he was happy about the pregnancy, saying you two could move in together without really putting the effort into looking for places. But, in the end, ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. Never believe someone's words unless their actions back it up. It doesn't sound like he took much of anything very seriously...having an abortion must've made things more serious than he was ready for.

Don't blame yourself for this - I know that's one of the first things we do when someone breaks up with us, but don't keep going over things and wondering what you did wrong - relationships take two and it's never entirely one person's fault.

[pugglez]

Hi MoMo,
Let me say this.....I am sorry you have experienced one of the hardest things a women has to go through. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are taking care of yourself. I understand that focusing on him right now is something that most women would do. Personally, I don't feel that the focus should be on him. Most men(boys) of this age are not matured yet. They run due to the fact adulthood and anything to do with that scares them to death. My suspicion is no matter how you may have handled this, he was going to run. My feeling is also it would be much more hurtful for you to look at a child everyday and explain why this man ran. If this boy could not handle the seriousness of your decision (which I suspect you made on your own because he was dragging his feet, due to immaturity again) how could he handle the seriousness of a lifetime commitment to a child. It is a lifetime commitment, not until they are 18 as some unfortunately feel. Some people drag their feet on making decisions so others will, it's easier that way so they can blame or let that other person take the heat for what the outcome of the final decison was. I am not saying what happened was right wrong or upside down. Either way you got hurt. That means it is unfortunate and sad. What you can do is learn to screen immature boys from men in the future. It isn't always easy they hide behind smiles and wit and charm. Boys have a lot of that. Men stand and stay and have some calmness in their growth that they show. Sorry for your loss. May you find peace in your decision and move on. This was not the right time for you. He was not the right "man" for you. He did not stay and stand by you.
Much love. You deserve better. You stood up for what you needed.

[someguyf]

I am 26 as well and I broke up with my last ex after I found out she had an abortion in a previous relationship about 10 years ago. I couldn't stand the thought of being with someone who murdered their own child. I can't even imagine how I would have felt had it been mine, so I can understand where he is coming from.

[miffed23]

I am 26 as well and I broke up with my last ex after I found out she had an abortion in a previous relationship about 10 years ago. I couldn't stand the thought of being with someone who murdered their own child. I can't even imagine how I would have felt had it been mine, so I can understand where he is coming from.

That sort of response isn't really appropriate here. Feel free to start your own thread up, the OP is looking for advice, not judgement.

Hey MoMo, welcome to the forum

Think about it this way, if you'd have decided to see your pregnancy through - he probably would've bailed on you and even if he would've stayed around, you'd have known in the back of your mind that it wasn't for the right reasons. I agree with ManINeedACoffee - Actions do speak louder than words. You will get through this, good luck.