[Laurie F]

Hey guys. im sure this will be the first thread thing of many. Im a 15 year old girl with a whole stack of problems. Well they seem like huge problems to me but i suppose once im older i'll look back and see how stupid im being :P Anyway i would reallly appreciate any advice you guys can give me

Okay so i think i love my best friend. Actually i know i do. A few months back we started getting really close. i mean we've always been close but i mean reeeeeally close + then i told him i liked him and he said he felt the same but he didnt want to lose me because im his best friend. of course i didnt want to lose him either but i didnt really think i would. Anyway, we started doing stuff, like just kissing at first and then oral sex, neither of us are virgins ( i know that probly sounds bad ) + it felt so right considering how close we were even tho we werent together. This carried on for a few weeks but then he met someone "/ He completly fell for her but never got with her. obviously we stopped everything and he told me in i spose the nicest way possible that we couldnt continue because he could see he was hurting me by not taking the relationship seriously. So This new girl has recently rejected him after completly messing with his head + straight away he starts flirting with me again. Iv only just started to get over my feelings for him and then Bam! this happens. He is an amazing best friend but i know that he comes back to this when he gets bored. i have no will power and i wont say no to him because i love the way i feel when im with him. I Love him but i dont want to. The way i feel fo him is totally uncontrollable. I wish i didnt + i dont know what to do anymore "/ x

[Ashlee T.]

Nows the time to learn that while your feelings may not be controllable, your actions are.

He may be a great guy, but if he's 15, then he's probably got a long way to go in life before he's going to be a good monogamous partner....and he may never be the partner for you. Right now, it's clear he isn't interested in you like that. Most likely he likes you as a friend, but obviously if you're willing to be sexual with him he's not going to turn it down (as I'm sure he finds you attractive). For me, the fact that he turned things off with you so quickly when he was interested in someone else, would've been it. That's the writing on the wall right there. So it sounds like you have the choice, be this guys friend and accept that it's not going to be anymore than that. Or let yourself be used for sex. I strongly recommend you don't pick the latter choice. I"m sure you've got lots going for you. Don't cut yourself short and settle for someone who's just not that into you.

[kristalyn_04]

Yes I agree with what BD said. Also I was in a similar situation not too long ago... although it was not a situation between teenagers (I am more than 10 years older than you), the concept is the same. My experience might help you.

I too have a male best friend, we met in college and got very close. I started having feelings for him, even though he was (is) in a relationship. When he started having problems in his relationship, not only would he vent to me about it but he told me he had feelings for me. He was probably confused and his emotions were all over the place, but after that I started to fall for him. When his relationship had a falling out, I told him how I felt about him (which was my first mistake)... then he said after thinking about it that he didn't have feelings for me beyond friendship. I was heartbroken, and very hurt that I was led on, and angry at myself for ever saying anything to him. My emotions were out of whack, I didn't understand why he would suddenly change his mind, I was confused and frustrated, and he knew it because I took it out on him. Our friendship has suffered as a result. Both of us have said and done some stupid things, and we both wish we could just go back and undo ever having said anything.

This was almost a year ago (the reason I joined this forum in fact), and I still have very deep feelings for him that just won't go away. I've been desperately trying to get over him, while also trying to remain his "best friend", but it's so hard. I'm not even sure if I can call him my best friend anymore after everything that's happened, things between us just feel different now, and I wish I could go back and change things. I could have chosen not to say anything to him, I could have chosen not to acknowledge my feelings for him, but I didn't... and I ended up getting very hurt and losing the closeness that we once had.

The problem was, neither of us took the time to really think about what we were feeling, or what we wanted before we opened our mouths. He thought he felt something more than what it was, and didn't figure that out until he had already said something to me, so I got hurt. I wanted something more than what he wanted and wasn't willing to let it go and move on, so then he got hurt as well and our friendship suffered. I regret that more and more every day. Don't let that happen to you. You can choose to not act on those feelings if he does not want the same thing you do. Otherwise you WILL get hurt and most likely lose the friendship. Keep the friendship intact and let this go. Invest your feelings in someone who wants what you do. Good luck.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Don't ever allow someone to play with your heartstrings....

Catch a person out, with their lies...

he told me in i spose the nicest way possible that we couldnt continue because he could see he was hurting me by not taking the relationship seriously

.

And, now he's prepared to change his mind, or take that back, and prepared to hurt you....because she left, he's on his own again....

So can you see where he lied to you?

Time to stand tall and demand respect ....

[ren_07]

I honestly don't think age matters all the time. I was very mature at 15 with my relationships, and I carried on two solid 2+ year relationships in high school. This is very real and should be taken as seriously for you as it is for anyone five or ten years older.

It seems like this guy is just that: a guy. He's your best friend and realizes a lot of mature points about the situation, mainly that going further would risk the stability of the friendship as well as that he realizes his actions are hurting you because your heart is more in it than his. And yet he is still choosing to have sex with you. Who hasn't had this happen to them at least once? Men are easily overtaken by urges at times.

The best way I can get you to see the reality of the situation is to think up a past relationship where your partner seemed more into it than you were. Maybe at some point you found yourself looking at other men even though you had someone who cared about you. And maybe things didn't work out for you with a new person, so it was really nice to just go back to your old partner because he does like you, makes you feel good, has a lot in common, and would do things for you. If anything, it was tempting to just fall back into those old patterns. This is how I think your best friend feels. It is really selfish, but I think we've all been guilty of this as well. Options are always an ego boost and make us feel more comfortable about decisions because we never actually "lose" just "choose." So rest assured you're number one now, but wait until miss new thing catches his eye and poof!

What's unfortunate is even though you wanted to avoid this, the dynamics of the friendship are already changed quite dramatically and it'll take effort to get things back to the way they were before, including you letting go of your feelings. I agree that you shouldn't have sex if only because it hurts you since your emotions are involved and his are just all over the place. I would also suggest kinda backing off from the friendship as well so he starts seeing the gravity of the situation and the damage that's happening. Right now he's all too comfortable. Who knows, this just might be the thing to bring him to terms with his real feelings for you if they do exist somewhere inside of him. But that's really the only way you'll instigate a change in the situation for the positive.

[Laurie F]

You know what Ren_07? i did exactly what you said + im so happy. I realised how pathetic i was being and how easy i was making myself and even though i didnt want to lose him, i backed off from him for a while so i could clear my head and sort out my feelings for him, which really affected our friendship. However i started falling for somebody else and i knew that i was over my best friend and even though im always gonna have some kind of feeling for him, its buried too deep to affect me anymore. We're best friends again and we've never had a stronger friendship. Thank you
+ thank you to everyone else, your advice really made me stop and think x

[Goddess1990]

Hey guys. im sure this will be the first thread thing of many. Im a 15 year old girl with a whole stack of problems. Well they seem like huge problems to me but i suppose once im older i'll look back and see how stupid im being :P Anyway i would reallly appreciate any advice you guys can give me

Okay so i think i love my best friend. Actually i know i do. A few months back we started getting really close. i mean we've always been close but i mean reeeeeally close + then i told him i liked him and he said he felt the same but he didnt want to lose me because im his best friend. of course i didnt want to lose him either but i didnt really think i would. Anyway, we started doing stuff, like just kissing at first and then oral sex, neither of us are virgins ( i know that probly sounds bad ) + it felt so right considering how close we were even tho we werent together. This carried on for a few weeks but then he met someone "/ He completly fell for her but never got with her. obviously we stopped everything and he told me in i spose the nicest way possible that we couldnt continue because he could see he was hurting me by not taking the relationship seriously. So This new girl has recently rejected him after completly messing with his head + straight away he starts flirting with me again. Iv only just started to get over my feelings for him and then Bam! this happens. He is an amazing best friend but i know that he comes back to this when he gets bored. i have no will power and i wont say no to him because i love the way i feel when im with him. I Love him but i dont want to. The way i feel fo him is totally uncontrollable. I wish i didnt + i dont know what to do anymore "/ x

Honey I'm 22 going on 23 love is hard! I married the guy that I was head over hills for and life is good most of the time. You will get hurt if you start messing with him again and he is not into being a item. Protect your heart dont be a rebound girl Tell him what you want and if he cant give that to you just be best friends. It will workout You must have standerds and stand on them if you dont stand for something you will fall for anything! Chin up Kiddo!!!

[pluck77]

Regardless of what is going on between you and your best friend, you have to love yourself first and foremost. You need to understand that you are more valuable, in and of yourself, with or without a boyfriend. That even includes valuing and loving yourself more than loving your best friend.

I know it is hard to be close to a guy that is your best friend, and you have feelings for, but you cannot give him and his opinions more value and worth than you give the young woman who looks back at you in the mirror. That is where it starts and ends - regardless of if you are single or in a relationship.