[Lady Shae]

Well it’s New Years Eve and I want to turn my life around, but I’m down and lost, I don’t know which way to turn. I apologise for the lengthy post.

I have been with my husband for nearly 15 years and have recently separated for a number of reasons which I have listed a few below. I feel I’m on a downward spiral of destruction. Please I need some guidance. I don’t mean the following as a bag session, I just want to explain where I’m coming from.

He spends ALL his time playing online games ignoring me and the kids. I feel unwanted and used by him. I have a very high libido, yet it seems he doesn’t want to come near me. When we did end up having sex, it was all for him. He hasn’t gone down on me for years, yet I felt I was expected to. There is no foreplay, it is over and done with quickly, and I’m left feeling unsatisfied both sexually and emotionally.

When the kids come near he snaps at them, so I find myself cringing every time they go to him, I tell them not to make their father angry, and end up apologising to them for his actions. I don’t even like going out in public with him for fear of him being bull-headed to checkout chicks or people in the street. I seem to always be apologising on his behalf. From what I can tell my older kids are left to entertain the little one when I’m not there so he can play games.

I work two jobs to pay the bills, usually with only enough time to shower in between, and rarely see my kids. When I do have time for the kids, I have to clean the house instead. It seems every spare moment I have to clean because his idea of cleaning the house is putting a load of clothes in the washer, and a load of dishes in the dishwasher just before I get home. He wont even wipe down the kitchen bench or put the bin out, and don’t get me started on the mowing. Sorry ranting, to put it plainly I work two jobs, deal with finances, look after the kids, do most of the housework, and plan everything practically alone.

When we split I asked him to sleep in the study, but as the sheets on the bed needed a clean due to dust I said he could sleep in the bed that night…he hasn’t moved out of the bed and its making me uncomfortable, but am afraid to say anything. He has bought me flowers since, and is making me cuppas and bringing me heat packs for my back, and is trying to do more around the house, so thinks everything should be ok now. But I’ve seen this change before, and it always goes backwards again.

We have split before and I’ve brought up counselling and anger management classes, but it never eventuates. I feel trapped; we just built my dream home (I designed and planned it), a house I dreamed of big Christmas’s with the kids and grandkids in. However if we sold it would be at a loss, and we have other debts to contend with. I can’t keep it on my own . My kids are wonderful, but I don’t want any action I take to hurt them if possible, and I don’t want my son to turn out the way his father is. The way I see it I only have 2 options:

1. Give in to my ex, more than likely live unhappily for the rest of my life, so the kids have a family and stability
2. Cut my losses, sell up, struggle financially, and never go near another man in my life

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I would like to start 2011 with a fresh outlook on life, but at the moment I don’t see a future.

[BasketCase]

Has he always been this way? When did it start. You didn't mention whether or not he works. Because if he doesn't that could have a lot to do with his attitude.

First decide if you want to make it work or not. Because he doesn't seem to believe that you really want to end it. Which makes me think your not being forceful about it and making your intentions clear. But you did light a fire under his butt. Sit him down and give it to his strait. If you do decide to work it out set a clear path in motion. Make a list of the household responsability's assigning him and the kids to certain things and post it on the fridge. Hold a family meeting telling everyone what you expect them to do while you gone. (yes the kids should have chores as well) Explain to them all that you have a busy schedule and that you need help with these things. Tell your husband that if he is not willing to go to marraige couseling and anger management then you have to call it quits.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He obviously can't accept "separation" and is fighting to remain.....

I gage, that you are done, you gave your 100% and now feel trapped...

You have to stick to your original plan, regarding sleeping arrangements even if that means YOU sleep in the other room...

Speak to a Lawyer regarding how it would all pan out if you Divorced....View your finances then and where you would be.

Don't swear off men It's one man that for whatever reason, you can't both compromise and regain some love.....

Research, write it all down, see it ahead of you. At the moment, your talking, you need to see that future, which ever one it is, in front of you or you'll continue going in circles....

CW

[Lady Shae]

He has been this way for about the last 10 years. We used to play games together, however after i went through depression with after having my daughter i wanted to turn my life around, and be a better parent to my children, and i saw the game as taking me away from them. He has a day job, but is on 7 weeks leave at the moment.

I have made chore lists and goal lists before, but every time i bring one home he just rolls his eyes, and its ignored. My kids are great though, they have their set chores, and are usually really good, but even this is slipping. Aparently my son (12 years) even made the comment of 'why should i' when asked to do something by his father. This attitude is not like him at all, he is sweet, and caring towards others.

[Lady Shae]

Unfortunately Chandlers Wish i was abused as a child, physically and emotionally beaten by my own father. And when i was 15 i was beaten and raped by my own bf.

I don't have faith in men, and i don't trust them anymore. My ex husband never beat me, and i thought i had moved on from my past, but the more i look at it, the more i feel that i have just settled for a different type of unhappiness.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Emotional abuse is to me is the same as any other abuse, it belittles you, you become weak, you don't see your selfworth and it's difficult to get out of...

You know, you are beautiful and you are a great Mum, you are worth something.....


Any abuse makes you feel worthless, that you can't escape...You can....

[Ashlee T.]

When you're abused once, it does something to your self esteem that makes you even more vulnerable to be abused again. It seems that you're noticing a trend, and that's the important part....because now you can take control.

You're in a loveless marriage. You know it. He knows it. But you both have some comfort, with the kids, with your new house, finances etc. The comfort, the familiarity is hard to let go of. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't let go of it.

Your options:
1. Give in to my ex, more than likely live unhappily for the rest of my life, so the kids have a family and stability (a loveless marriage is no real stability for children. Yes, maybe in the short term they have two parents, a nice house, and more money.......but what do they really have, that is not material?)
2. Cut my losses, sell up, struggle financially, and never go near another man in my life. (Sure you'll feel like you're struggling at times I'm sure. Most of us do. But the struggles will in no way compare to the happiness you will feel once you truly get to know yourself, work through your past, and be free from a loveless marriage. As for never going near another man......that has to be your call. But the thing about it is, you've now realized that your past abuse has alot to do with the relationships you've pursued and settled in. You know this now, you can work through it, and you CAN find true love. Swearing off men will not make what you've gone through change. But it's far too soon to even think about it. No need to many any promises to yourself or swearing off men. You need time to grow, time to heal, and time to find happiness in yourself.)

[Lady Shae]

We do have some good times...when I am able to get him off the comp we can talk about anything, he is my best mate, he makes me laugh, and the thought of him being with someone else kills me.

I love him, but have tried over and over again to make a change, to fix things, but it's like i'm beating my head against a brick wall, and i'm the only one trying.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The only person that can change this IS YOU...

Mind set....

If, someone is not prepared to listen, then do what you have to in order for them to do so...

If he's your best friend, I wonder how he would feel if you were gone? Even for a day....

[Lady Shae]

Firstly Happy New Year everyone, hope you find happiness and love in 2011, and all your dreams and goals come true

Thankyou all for your comments and support, it has been greatly appreciated. It seems I have finally found direction, i'm still fumbling in the dark, but i believe it's in the right direction.

My ex and i sat down and spoke for 3 hours (and made ourselves sick smoking for the first time in years) on New Years Eve, and left no stone unturned. For now it seems he understands where my mind is at, and respects my need to find myself before i can even look at our relationship, and has moved into the study. We have to stay under the same roof for now due to financial reasons, but hopefully him being at the other end of the house gives me the space to think i need.

Since then i have thought a lot about who i am and what i do and don't want to be and do. Its going to be a long process, this is just the first steps. So for now i'm going to try and become a better mother to my children, try and kill the debts, exercise and eat well, start dancing again, and learn either piano or guitar. Later in the year i'll get my bike licence, and i've challenged myself to no sex for a year.

Thanks again everyone, and here's to a prosperous 2011