[Tem]

Have any married ladies here received a friend request from an old boyfriend? I did and I went through an awful time. I really wish I never replied, but curiosity got the better of me. It seemed innocent, but it really wasn't. Old boyfriend did a number on my head. I am really lucky my husband never found out. It's over now, but the effects linger. Can anyone relate?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Tem,

Temptation, egos, can definately create havoc can't they....

If your old boyfriend did a number on your head, then your questioning in my opinion your marriage....

If your questioning your marriage, you need to see what is missing and fix it....

CW

[rcoreyus]

There is something flattering in discovering that an old flame is still attracted to you, but if it went beyond that, then what made them seem more attractive to you than your husband?

[Tem]

When his emails first became suggestive I told him to stop. I was happily married, etc. I should not have been more attracted to him then my husband, but he was very persistent. I guess you could say he wore me down. He was my first boyfriend and it was fun and innocent, at first, reliving our youth. He emailed me short stories, about our four years together, when we were young. He pursued me for about eight months. He said he had put all the short stories together and had an editor lined up to publish the book. He said was suddenly beset with writer's block and the only thing that would help was seeing me in person. Yes, I know, how could I fall for such obvious flattery and stupid lines, but I did.

Reading those stories and reliving my youth just got to me. This was someone I almost married. When I saw him it was like no time had passed at all, although it had been 30 years. That's quite a feeling. The thing quickly escalated out of control. It was not something I expected would happen. Facebook and sites like it, make it possible for old flames to find you. When you first hear from them you are excited, and do not think anything will happen, but this sort of thing is not always as innocent as it appears at first. I was wondering if anyone here had a similar experience.

[auntie_awesome]

They are old/ex boyfriends for a reason. I don't allow them on my Facebook.

If they request me, I show my husband they have and then block them or deny their request. If they message me, same thing. They do not get a response back. I don't need them causing trouble and if your husband doesn't care for them, you should feel this way too about them. Marriage is far better than an idiot ex.

[Tem]

Well auntie, you are certainly right. Marriage is far better than an idiot ex. I had to learn that one the hard way.

[stressed]

FB and other such places (but especially FB) have ended marriages and led to affairs.

However, when one's mind is set, when nothing serious is missing in your relationship, when you know what you want, no message and no FB gets to you. You don't allow it to, you ignore it.

I'm not saying something is wrong in your marriage, but as far as I know these things never "just happen". In your case it was curiosity. Perhaps you wanted to bring back a spark you were missing in your marriage, maybe you just wanted to flirt a little. You did the right thing in any case.

[Tem]

There is a problem with my marriage, but it is not a problem within the marriage. I have a commuter marriage. I see my husband four days a month and during vacations, so I am alone a lot. I have girlfriends, hobbies and interests. What I don't have is a husband close by. The ex-boyfriend is very close by. When he first contacted me he was married and told me his marriage was good. We spent, what I thought was, innocent time catching up. Eight months later he's divorced and living alone, as she left the house.

The proximity problem is something I need to work on. Since cutting off ex-boyfriend I have gone to visit my husband more often and try to stay in touch with him every day, via email, phone or whatever. I cannot move down to where he is to live with him. Social networking sites make contact like this so much more likely. I was just wondering if others had been contacted by old flames, and if they had, what they did.

In the end I hired a PI to investigate ex-boyfriend's claims about the book. Ex had been a PhD candidate in English when he was my boyfriend. I knew he wanted to be a writer, so there was a possibility. However, there is no book. It was all a lie.

[Brokenwings]

Me and my SO are not on any social networking sites, I don't need to be contacted by any past friends or anyone else.
The people who we speak to we have their numbers.

I think too much problems arise on social networking sites, temptation occurs, and often jealousy and insecurity and can lead to stalking. What is seen as innocent in your eyes may not be seen so in your partner's eyes.

[stressed]

I was just wondering if others had been contacted by old flames, and if they had, what they did.

Well, my ex had been contacted by an old flame he used to be crazy about (and we had argued about many times) but even if he got a message from her on FB asking him to call her/leave a message he didn't do that, he had her message lying in the bin (I found out a week after she had done that). I asked him what he wanted to do with it and he just said he didn't care, had no feelings, had nothing to tell her, which was true.

In your situation it's easy to get carried away, because you only see your husband four days a month (this must be difficult for both of you!). But you handled it well. If you were unhappy in your marriage you would have behaved differently (although hiring a PI to investigate his claims... is a little bit extreme... and it did last around 8 months... it shows the situation must have been on red alert for a while...).