[Lucy2009]

I've been dating a guy for about 7 months. I found out by accident that he has suffered from low self esteem in the past and has had counselling for it. He doesn't know I know this.

He's been down since Christmas and on Sunday suddenly said he doesn't think he's good enough for me and thinks we should stop seeing each other as I deserve better. I told him thats not what I want and how good he was for me but he says he can't think at the moment. He says its not me its him and is feeling lousy.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to see him tomorrow to get some of my things back and he wants to talk. Please help me, what can I do. Should I say we'll be friends and hope maybe when he's sorted out he'll come back to me or just walk away?

I feel like going to sleep and never waking up, I just don't know what to do.

[Brokenwings]

Has anything happened for him to feel like this?
Argument? Dispute? Or was in just down to him feeling low about something during Christmas?
You could explain to him that he means a lot to you and you want to be with him, but you cant force someone to be with and then you just have to give him time to know what he is missing.

[Guest]

As someone (male) who dealt with/suffered from low self esteem myself, I can tell you that the road to "recovery" can be long and winding with lots of little bumps along the way. I can also tell you that the end result is well worth your efforts (IMO) if both of you are willing to put in the effort. Most of the effort will have to come from him and he will have to be willing to face the demons or issues that have ultimately led him to feel the way that he does.

IMO - If I were you, I'd sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk with him about it. I will assume that you probably have already and may feel that the time for talking is behind you.... Not so....This time ask him about counseling or seeing a therapist who is skilled in this area (they're out there) and talk to him about going with him to his appointments.

Then I would highly recommend that he be given a thorough evaluation by someone qualified to do so, as you want to determine that it is low self esteem and not low self esteem plus depression or clinical depression alone or a combination of many things.

Once it has been determined, by a professional, what it is that he is suffering from, the healing for both of you can begin.

He is pushing you away because that's what we low self esteemers do. It's "easier" to suffer alone then suffer and bring down someone you really care about. I know because I did it to previous loves and tried to do it with my current SO.

You have to decide if you are willing to put in the effort and do the work necessary to help him, and youself, dig out of this emotional hole that he is in and probably has been for a very long time.

I wish you all the best and will be happy to do what I can, based on my own personal experiences, to help you.

[Lucy2009]

Thank you both for your kind replies.

Seeker_Advice in particular - you have been very kind. I have been thinking today and its funny that what you have posted is what I decided. He emailed me last night to say he wants to talk tomorrow night. We haven't spoken since Sunday face to face when he ended it with me. I have decided to say I'm here for him...I've told him this before. He acknowledge last night he might need to talk to someone again, and I have thought today about offering to go with him. He says is nothing in particular thats set this off. I think he still has issues with his ex wife who hurt him deeply, though he has never said. It is as though he's pushing me away. He says he cares for me, but I deserve better, he's not good enough etc.

Its hard for me too, but I know I have to help him, I'm just not sure he will let me, if he pushes me away. I'll go tomorrow and talk to him, I can only say I want to be his friend and help him and maybe when he's better we can see what happens. Any other tips gratefully received!

We were fine before this, he's been a bit quiet for the last couple of weeks, but I thought this was January blues.

Thank you again so much.

[Guest]

A couple of additional thoughts....

Holidays, especially the big ones at the end of the year, can be especially tough on low self esteemers. I struggle with them every year....still.

Pushing you away is a natural reaction and will continue to happen until such time as you "push back" a bit in order for him to see that you're not going anywhere or after tons of therapy/counseling where he learns that he's not the big piece of it that he thinks he is. Low self esteem weaves a wicked web around those that suffer from it and often times we feel like it will never end. We'd rather suffer alone, for whatever reason, then drag somebody else down with us.

ONLY "push back" and tell him that you're not going anywhere IF you REALLY mean it. I would suggest you give this some thought before you answer. As I mentioned, it's a very long winding and bumpy road that you are going to have to endure if you commit to it. I would imagine that he has heard "I'm not going anywhere" from lovers/ex wife in his past and they may have bailed on him part way down the road. Doing so only adds to his low self esteem, like dumping gas on a fire, because then we say to ourselves "See, I told you...I'm not good enough....or she wouldn't stick around...or whatever else" we can think of.

I would tend to suspect (just my opinion) that his struggle goes back to his childhood and throughout his life "gasoline has been dumped on his fire" without the knowledge necessarily of the "dumper".

Hang in there! It can get better IF you and he are willing to do the work....and there's lots of it to be done.

He didn't get here overnight and he's not going to get out of here overnight either.

[imirritated]

"I found out by accident that he has suffered from low self esteem in the past and has had counselling for it. He doesn't know I know this."

How did you find out?

[Lucy2009]

Awful thing to say, but I found a letter in his house from his GP basically. I wasn't snooping, I just came across it by accident.

I'm not going anywhere. I dont intend to, but I don't know how I can convince him.

[Lucy2009]

Thanks again Seeker_Advice, you are very helpful and wise I tried to send you a pm but it wouldn't let me just to sayhow much I appreciate you taking the time and trouble to reply.

I feel happier today and more prepared for seeing him tomorrow. I just hope I can convince him I intend to help him and stick around.

[Ashlee T.]

You'll never CONVINCE someone they're "good enough". That's something that comes from within a person. In addition, you should never have to convince someone to stay with you. If he wants to go, the best thing you can do is let him go.

A relationship with someone with very low self esteem is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. It will require constant reassurance, constant stroking of the ego whether deserved or not, it will require walking on eggshells so not to say the wrong thing that will push him over his edge of low self esteem, it will require emotional rollercoasters of highs and lows where one day he's happy and sweet and the next day he's withdrawn and you later find out it's because when he tried to kiss you one day you turned your head (when you didn't even realize you had done it and didn't remember it at all.......it puts him in a downward spiral of "poor pitiful me")...or if you turn him down for sex, perhaps it will be because you're legitimately tired......but to him it will be because he's not good enough. Ironically, there is a level of selfishness typically present in someone like this that is very hard to deal with. You trying to convince him that he is good enough for you, and in a sense begging him to believe you is putting you in the position of an enabler. And as long as his behavior is enabled, he will see no need to change.

When someone wants out of your life......for whatever reason that may be.....take them at their word and let them go. Do not let someone walk in and out and in and out as they choose based on their mood that day.

[Guest]

I don't know that I agree with BD. Then again, that's the beauty of this forum, all of us have different opinions or thoughts and those that start threads can take whatever they want from those that post replies and leave the rest. I support BD and her opinions/point of view as much as I hope she supports me and mine.

As far as not being able to PM me, I don't think you are able to do so until you have posted 33 times or more. In addition, I have lost my PM privileges for X period of time as a result of some statements I made that were deemed inappropriate. I don't know if I will ever get them back. That decision is not up to me, regardless, I FULLY SUPPORT the actions that were taken and the party that took them...period.

I will do my best to answer any questions you have. I am, by no means an expert, just someone who considers himself a low self esteemer who is recovering from it.

I am thankful that those in my life that have experienced my low self esteem first hand, have for the most part, hung in there with me. I hope they know and I show them how much I appreciate it.