[xAussieDannix]

Alright, this is my first post here, I'm really worried about my relationship and feel like I can't talk about this to my friends or family.

So I'm 24 and have been going out with my bf for 6 years now (he is also 24) and things up until two months ago have been going great. We're deeply in love with one another and we've talked about marriage, children and the rest of our lives together. But now I feel like our relationship is going to end, and going to end soon.

When my boyfriend was 21, he lost his 20 year old brother to cancer and as you could imagine, it was a horribly depressing time for everyone involved. They were the best of friends and I've never seen siblings that close to one another. My bf always looked out for his younger brother throughout his life and it was really beautiful how close they were and for it to end like that, well, it was the worst moment of his life.

So skip forward to about two months ago, I was out with a few friends and my bf having dinner. I had a few drinks and was having fun with the girls, the dinner ended and we drove home. My bf wasn't drinking and in the car an argument broke out (I don't remember what it was about, by that time I was really quite drunk) which carried on into our apartment.

We were still arguing at the apartment and I was so angry with him I was yelling (he never yells at me, even in arguments) and I made a comment about his brother.....

That's when it all stopped. When I said it, I realised I didn't just cross the line, I spat on it. He just stood there and looked at me. He didn't say a word, but I could see in his eyes how hurt he was by what I had just said, then he just walked off, showered and went to bed. Sorry, I don't want to repeat it here, because it makes me sick just thinking about it.

That was two month ago and ever since then, I have apologised so many times, to the point I've been on my knees, crying and begging him to forgive me. I really do regret what I said and just said it at the spur of the moment. I honestly didn't mean it and I've told him over and over again, but he just says "ok, I forgive you" bluntly, emotionless and walks away.

He doesn't smile at me anymore, he doesn't talk to me when he finishes work. When I say to him "you forgot to say hi to me", he just looks at me and says "oh, sorry. Hi". I've tried to hug him, but he hasn't hugged me. I've tried and tried from my end to engage in conversation, I've made him special dinners but he doesn't really respond or take interest in anything I do or in our converstaions (if you can call them that. They're mainly just me asking him questions and him giving straight "yes", "no" replies).

This is really has affected me mentally as I'm not thinking straight at work and it's on my mind all the time. I don't want to push him or force him to talk or go back to that night or bring up his brother, and I really don't know what to do or how to go about this? I'm ashamed to talk to my girlfriends or mother about it (my mum especially loves him) so anonymity seems like my only option.

I thought guys were just tougher mentally and would get over things quickly, but he's been acting different to me for two months now. I really don't know if it's just taking a long time for him to get over it, or if he's considering ending the relationship.

I just need advice. Girl advice, guy advice, I don't care. I've never felt this scared about our relationship before....

[WildChild]

Men aren't really tougher mentally or emotionally but they have often been schooled not to show it - except as anger.
My guess it that you didn't just cross the line, you went over the cliff. If he won't talk there isn't much you can do about it. You may have ended it.

[xAussieDannix]

That's what I'm worried about. I don't want to lose him, but I feel like this isn't my choice to make.

Should I discuss this properly with him or do you think I should wait for him to come and talk to me?

[BabyGirl]

Right now, whatever it was that you said, is festering in him like a cancer itself. Your apologies are not putting it in remission, they are actually reminding him of the cancerous pain your words caused.

Yes you were drunk, though that is not an Excuse, most people speak what they really feel when they are Drunk, Not saying you really felt what you said, but there is probably some part of it that is a true feeling in your subconscious mind.

I would Stop Apologizing and Start Packing. Yes Packing..

If he see's you packing and your explain that evidently you have hurt him beyond repair and it's best that you leave so as not to remind him of the pain of his brother and what you said .

It is possible that he may forgive you, because he will have to decide if he wants to lose another person that he loves in his life, over some drunken stupid words.

If he lets you go without a fight or forgiveness of what you said... Then you know that the damage cannot be repaired and it is in both of your best interests to " Cut this Cancer" out of his life, that being You and the reminder of his brother.

And cut the Cancer of Alcohol out of your life, knowing that when you Drink too much, you are risking relationships and lives and it's just not worth it .

[Calicorado83]

I agree with BabyGirl. You can even tell him that you're packing just to give him space, and it'll be up to him to make the final decision. But until he's ready to really forgive you, he won't. And yes, if alcohol is going to be an ingredient in your life leaving you in situations like these, you must make the choice to cut it out of your life so you never mess up like this again. You decided to drink, which meant you decided to let go of some of your inhibitions, some of your morals, some of your considerations and respect for others.

"Too often, when love comes to people, they try to grasp the love and hold it to themselves, refusing to see that it is a gift freely given and a gift that just as freely moves away. When they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was...
If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment... Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again." Kent Nerburn

[Hopeless Dork]

Beautiful words Somitic and very very true. I don't know what you said, or how your boyfriend feels inside about the words... but if it was a very cruel thing, it may have very well changed how he see's you as a person. Everyone is capable of saying something stupid, but if what you said seems to have revealed something about your nature that he didn't see before and see's now, yes... it could be damaged beyond repair. You have to forgive yourself and quit walking around on bended knee to him, you've appologised, and all you can do now is continue to show him the person you really are, the person he fell in love with, not the person that said that one stupid thing... if he can see you as he saw you before you said it, if he can see past it ... things will get better.

But if he remains cold and distant, it could be that he is punishing you... which is like emotional warfare, or it could be that he is genuinly unsure of how he wants to move forward .. if he has forgiven you but doesn't see you as he did before... maybe he's trying to give it time to get back to the feelings he had before you said what you did.

[Guest]

As a man, this is my opinion.....

Men are the "great suppressors". We suppress our feelings more often then women do and therefore it is perceived/believed that we are tougher, stronger or whatever. Like you, we do have our "buttons" and when pushed we can react in very different ways. Obviously, his brother, especially since his passing, has become one of your BF's "buttons".....the one that read "Do NOT ever push for any reason", you did. NOW what?

TIME..... Plenty of time..... HIS time...... NOT your time.....

A LOT is going through his head (IMO) like; "I can't believe she said that...", "How could she say that?", "Being drunk is no excuse", "Did she REALLY mean it?" Etc., etc., etc.

For your mental health and well being, I would recommend that you pick a date into the future that you are willing to wait until in order to get this matter resolved. At that time, if it hasn't been resolved or efforts made to resolve it (as in you're working on it together), then you need to go. Because there is A LOT more going on with your BF and his ties to his brother than is healthy.

If he loves you, truly loves you, he will come around. Stop crying, stop begging, stop doing anything more to try and repair the damage you did by the comment you made. The next logical step IMO is for both of you to get some professional help together and work through this.

Keep this in mind also....though he may forgive you and if he has a faith, his faith has taught him to do so, he will NEVER forget it. Forgive is one thing, forget is something else entirely.

This is the perfect forum in which to share your concerns. There are many great people in here with many different opinions and thoughts.

[BabyGirl]

I am hoping I was not sounding mean or uncaring to you Aussie. it's just that from Experience comes Wisdom.

We all make mistakes, trust me , every person on this WH forum has made a mistake or a Bad Choice, or are about to make one. That is why we are here, to share our Wisdom.
Most of us came here because we felt we had nowhere else to turn. Embarrassing or Shame or Confusing situations.

We feel cannot tell or ask our "Family/ Friends/ co Workers" as they may know more about the situation than we are Willing to admit, about themselves or ourselves. Some may take " Sides and Gang up" Others will just " Save the Juicy Tidbits for Later and sit on a Fence".

Here you have a place that NO ONE Knows You personally. ( I'm not saying that ppl don't become " Family " here ) ..
But when you start out. you are seeking help, opinions, Wisdom from others. You have come to the right place. I hope you will read and learn from all of us that reply. Some replies may " HIT HOME " and make you double think your actions or choices, take a less bumpy road and know that you took the Correct turn in that road of your life.

Each and every one of us hit a Dead End Road during our Lives. It's your Choice to Turn Around or Not.