[phishbowl]

I am having a really hard time getting over my exboyfriend. I know this isn't anything unusual... just would like some support and to hear from other people who have been there. We starting dating about a year ago, he moved in with me last summer, and then we broke up in November when he moved to a different state. This was no surprise, he is in the military and I knew he would be leaving. It didn't really make it any easier for me though. He broke up with me because he didn't want to date long distance, aside from that everything was going OK. We still talk and I visited him for Christmas. The visit was great, things felt just like they had before. I keep hoping we'll get back together. I know he still cares about me and wishes we could be together, but his feelings about dating long distance haven't changed. And I'm not about to move 2,000 mi to be with someone who doesn't care about me enough to want to date long distance, does that make sense? Plus we were only dating about a year; it doesn't make any sense to leave my life behind to be with him. I can't decide whether to cut communication with him or not. I feel like I need to in order to heal and move on, but of course I don't want to. And keeping in touch is OK in some ways. I tried cutting him off for a week or so, and I was a complete wreck. I was so worried about not contacting him that it made things worse.

The hardest part is just thinking about him all the time. It's hard to focus on other things when I am at home alone, or sitting in my room trying to study. I don't feel like doing other things though - after a long day of work, I just want to relax, not run off to a book club or gardening club or yoga practice. But then I wish he was there to make dinner with me and sit on the couch together and spend time with him. I miss living with him and having him in my life. How can I get my mind to turn off? Any suggestions or stories? Spending so much time thinking about him is seriously cutting into productivity...

[phishbowl]

One thing I had been doing that usually works is making myself do something for 10 minutes and set a timer. 10 minutes doesn't seem so bad, and usually after the 10 minutes was over I would be distracted and ready to do something else. And, I would try to get as much done as I could in that 10 minutes. Maybe I'll do that... tomorrow... now it is bed time!

[stressed]

Call your friends, go out and flirt a bit. It always works. Don't spend too much time alone, because you'll be thinking too much. Be around people who will 'force' you to communicate as much as possible. You have to talk more and think less.

[BabyGirl]

You have a special situation here.
You have a Man you love ( ex or not ) in the Military. The Miltary goes where and when they are told to. Men & Women alike. It is hard on Relationships and takes a certain kind of Love to survive the hard times.

It sounds like he understands this and has made up his mind that he is unwilling to have a LDR. Now, he may love you dearly and want to be with you, but he also didn't ask you to move 2000 miles with him.

Or Did He ?

You say it's only been a year long Relationship, so possibly you two haven't had enough time for the " Life Long Bonding " for Marriage.

Which would have you Move with him when Deployed or be left behind to await any return from him being Deployed.

Be Proud that he is Strong in the fact that he doesn't want a LDR. It sounds as if he is trying to save you from worry and it's easier on you ( in his mind ) to just end it now so you are not just waiting for him.

It depends on how long he is in and how long he is planning to stay in , where will he be deployed, will he come back at all ?

Believe it or not, Many Men and Women do worry about things like Wives/ Hubby's and Kids and Girlfriends / Boyfriends and Parents. They Don't want them to Hurt or Worry.. But at the same time they Know that worrying about their family or loved ones could get them Killed.

So.. Just support him, for who he is .. Do Not pressure him , Do Not Abandon him and show you Love him...
Do not make him feel Guilty..

For His Choice and Sacrifice to Serve our Country and Him being a Man you and others can Love and be Proud Of .

ADVISE ?

Offer to set a contact time for you and him once a week to chat/ call / Skype, whatever.
Ask what is good for him, leave time for his family ( others like Mom & Pop) to get messages.
Then ... Be Supportive, be the Friend you were before " Sex or Love " set in.
If the time between contact starts to fade, That means you are moving on and so is he.

It does not mean you both don't care anymore. It just means it wasn't your time. YET !!

[phishbowl]

Call your friends, go out and flirt a bit. It always works. Don't spend too much time alone, because you'll be thinking too much. Be around people who will 'force' you to communicate as much as possible. You have to talk more and think less.

Thanks stressed for the advice. I'll try to do that...

[phishbowl]

You have a special situation here.
You have a Man you love ( ex or not ) in the Military. The Miltary goes where and when they are told to. Men & Women alike. It is hard on Relationships and takes a certain kind of Love to survive the hard times.

It sounds like he understands this and has made up his mind that he is unwilling to have a LDR. Now, he may love you dearly and want to be with you, but he also didn't ask you to move 2000 miles with him.

Or Did He ?

You say it's only been a year long Relationship, so possibly you two haven't had enough time for the " Life Long Bonding " for Marriage.

Which would have you Move with him when Deployed or be left behind to await any return from him being Deployed.

Be Proud that he is Strong in the fact that he doesn't want a LDR. It sounds as if he is trying to save you from worry and it's easier on you ( in his mind ) to just end it now so you are not just waiting for him.

It depends on how long he is in and how long he is planning to stay in , where will he be deployed, will he come back at all ?

Believe it or not, Many Men and Women do worry about things like Wives/ Hubby's and Kids and Girlfriends / Boyfriends and Parents. They Don't want them to Hurt or Worry.. But at the same time they Know that worrying about their family or loved ones could get them Killed.

So.. Just support him, for who he is .. Do Not pressure him , Do Not Abandon him and show you Love him...
Do not make him feel Guilty..

For His Choice and Sacrifice to Serve our Country and Him being a Man you and others can Love and be Proud Of .

ADVISE ?

Offer to set a contact time for you and him once a week to chat/ call / Skype, whatever.
Ask what is good for him, leave time for his family ( others like Mom & Pop) to get messages.
Then ... Be Supportive, be the Friend you were before " Sex or Love " set in.
If the time between contact starts to fade, That means you are moving on and so is he.

It does not mean you both don't care anymore. It just means it wasn't your time. YET !!

Thanks BabyGirl, good advice. No, he didn't ask me to move with him. I had asked him if we could stilll be together if I moved to be with him, and he said yes, but he doesn't want me to do that. He wants me to stay with my friends and family and not have to move with him each time the military sends him someplace new. And he will be busy with training for a while anyway. He is very wary of military marriages because he knows the statistics are not good - most don't last, and he's not ready for that commitment at this point. He says he doesn't know if I'm the one' or not and needs time to be able to figure that out. I know he's not trying to hurt me, you are right - he's trying to do what's best for me, he doesn't want me to worry about him. He says the military was his choice and his sacrifice, not mine - he doesn't want me to sacifice my dreams, time with family, etc/ to be with him. He also says he wants to focus on his career and give 100% to the military right now, and doesn't want to be worrying about me.

It's possible that he may be stationed near me though rather unlikely. He has a commitment of 4 years and will probably stay in longer; the military has been his dream and something he has spent the last 5 years working towards. He's not sure yet where he will be sent.
Thanks again BabyGirl, I'll remember your advice and consider it when I find myself thinking about him.