[monkey1]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum but I really need advice. My boyfriend have been together since 2007 July. It's going to be 4 years soon. We have had a very interesting journey. 6 months into our relationship, I got pregnant and miscarried. We were deceived by one of our doctors who lied to us and cheated on us, and then basically disappeared. It impacted both of us a lot, but we had a wonderful relationship following it. We were both in college and doing good, we would meet on weekends. My boyfriend would drive out every friday 5 hours to see me for 36 hours and drive back every sunday. He would shower me with love and we were doing great.

Then we decided to transfer schools to be closer to each other. We did this 2 years into our relationship. We basically switched schools and started living in the same apartment complex, but different apartments. We still hung out a lot. Then 6 months later, my boyfriend just started living in my apartment. He semi-moved in. He would spend some nights there. We were still doing very good, but just minor fights.

Then last summer is when things changed a lot, and for the worst. We spent the summer working together on campus but different jobs. He was living with his parents and I was living with my uncle. We hung out a little on weekends but mostly during the week. His mom basically started creating fights between us. She would blame me for lying and cause tension between us. I tried my hardest to do things for his mom but she would just always blame me for doing them wrong.

When that summer ended, I got my own apartment and my boyfriend got his own, but he started living with me all the time. He had become very distant after that summer. He started rethinking about what had happened in the past. He had no interests. He did not like to hold my hand anymore, or kiss me, or hug me. he didn't wanna cuddle. He took the ring he gave me back (a promise ring) and we had a temporary break up for 2 days.

We made up and he started staying with me again. Now things are just bad. We fight over every little thing because he has an opinion about everything that is exactly opposite of mine. He gets upset over things like if I don't send his mail, or do the dishes even though he was supposed to do them. We have stopped having sex, and when we do it lasts about a minute and he gets up and leaves, and gets more upset with himself. Now it's been 6 weeks no sex (before it was 6 times a week until about a year ago).

He talks weird now about how stressed he is and how he wish he could just run away from everything. I think he is depressed, but he doesn't wanna be helped. I'm trying to help him but I don't know what to do? I love him so much and I know he does also. And I want to make this work. We both have high schools of going to med/law school, but I feel like I am losing him. He gets upset when I hug him or want to kiss him or hold his hand. Recently we've stopped going anywhere on weekends also. What do I do?!

To top it off, his brother is creating more problems between us by pulling him away from me. His brother told him "what's hte need to get her a v-day present. or what's the need to buy her a birthday present" and when i gave my bf a gift he said "return it, i already thought of getting you that just haven't gotten it" he calls him firday night, saturday night sunday night and we can NEVER go out! I just don't know what to do. is it over?! or can i make it work? I want to make it work, please help me in how i can do that.

Sorry it was too long but I have been holding it in for a long time now...Thank you.

[monkey1]

and now he denies that I was ever pregnant.. he said I made it up even though he saw the miscarriage happen and went to the doctor's with me after AND spoke with the doctor over 50 times. The doctor deceived us by making us believe I was still pregnant and then cheated us and disappeared. My boyfriend is upset with that and is blaming me for it.

[oxy-moron]

Well to be honest he does sound depressed- but he may just be depressed by the relationship.
After the first 2 years of a relationship it is extremely hard to keep things going if you are not living together. Family that wants you split is not going to help.
You are still young and the statistics for divorce for women who marry under 25 Years old are horrendous. Probably best for your future if you split up and get on with your life. Good Luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Monkey what did she accuse you of lying about?

I'm sorry for the mis-carriage but I also don't understand what you mean that the Doctor make you think you didn't mis-carry and then disappeared, and that your boyfriend saw it happen, so knew you had but now is accusing you of never being pregnant, is that what his Mother is calling you a lier about?

Is this whole thing over that? With his brother as well? Given he is telling your boyfriend not to buy you presents, he is telling your boyfriend to get out of this relationship as is the Mother, really, so why ?

It also sounds as if he is not ready for Marriage, and living together, chores, dishes, etc, can feel like marriage, you were both 21 when you met, maybe he needs a break to be free and to see whether he misses you, you are his world, or whether the relationship has run its course...

That's the only way you really probably are going to find out if it's time to move on or not...

CW

[monkey1]

hey guys,
thank you for the advice. As for the lying, his mother does not know about the miscarriage. His brother does know. But his brother has been trying to break us up since we got together cause he used to like me and I didn't.
Just to update, he is 20 and i am 21. We are not even thinking of marriage yet. he was on the one that proposed to me without me even expecting it at all. For as long as i can remember, he has made the first move onto everything. Dating. moving in together. giving me the ring. etc. and I have just gone along with it. I really do love him and i know he does also.

an example with his mom. one time she asked me to bring her a bottle of black label, i got it from a shop for 12$ cause ts my uncles shop. She called me a liar saying u can never find anything that cheap and I must be lying (why would i spend extra money and lie?). His mom says stuff like "I'll find you a great girl to marry!" in front of me. and stuff like that. His dad LOVES me and treats me like his daughter.

I know that he is depressed mostly because of his pre-med studies. those are stressing him a lot and he is not able to handle them. I'm the one standing by his side making sure he gets thru it and not let him give up since its his dream while his parents are just making it worse for him. As for missing me, about a year ago, he went on a trip for 3 months to meet his parents (his parents live in india and visit every summer), and we broke up before he left. when he got there, 2 weeks later he started calling me every day saying he can't live without me.

he keeps telling me that he isn't good enough for me and that i deserve something better, and i tell him that he is everything i need and it brings him to tears. when i talk about breaking up, he doesn't want to. what can i do?

[London09]

Run and run fast away from him and his family, go to a therapist that can help you regain your self-esteem.
You have a life time of happiness waiting for you.

[JadedQueen]

It sounds to me like he's being tugged in different directions....you, family, studies. Since you said his Mom and brother don't like you he's stuck in the middle. He's doing a juggling act and after awhile it takes it's toll. Is there any break in your schedules at the same time? (like maybe spring break) I think you need to find a way to plan a get away just you and him. No family, no studies just something relaxing to see if you and he can find a way to re-connect. I would also encourage him to see a doctor for a check up just to make sure that if he is going through depression it can be dealt with and to make sure everything is okay. Sometimes illness can cause depression with no other symptoms. If all that doesn't work to turn the relationship around I'd seriously consider calling it quits.

[caterpillar79]

I think he is at the fence right now. Let him be. Meanwhile, do not wait for him, instead, go on with your life as if you never met him - easier said than done, but you need to do that for your sake. Concentrate on you, and not think about making it work with him - the more you do/try, the more the opposite happens.

Give him space (and preferably more of it). Do not act as if you need him to keep living because you do not. It will take time getting used to it, but try your best to change your focus...YOURSELF not him. Things will work out eventually. Giving him more room will allow him to get back on his own two feet. And if he is worthy of your time, he'll come around and show you that.