[caster]

When I say she doesn't know how or care I'd define that further as she doesn't know how to correct her lack of desire for intimacy, and she doesn't care since it's not important to her.
I'm sure she cares that it's hurting our relationship.

If you go back to the first paragraph of my original post it'll help with the following statement.

I now have my suspicions it gets pretty deep, and if it's as deep as I think I cannot repair it alone. She'll need therapy to drag it out if she refuses to confront it. If she'll confront it I think we can work it out together.
While she says and genuinely appears to love me whole heartedly, since she's lost all her immediate family in the last few years I feel she's actually trying to distance herself from me to protect herself should something happen to me.
We have over half our lives, 28 years, wrapped up with each other and we're all each other has left. And while I'm trying to keep us going and grow more, she's back tracking and putting up walls I can't climb.

I was hoping a mental and physical reconnection of the two of us would help. Shopping and dinner ain't reconnecting. We've done that same scene way to many times.
Like I said, she was intrigued when she first learned of my plans, the closer it gets the more she tries to change the content of the planned weekend.

[WildChild]

If she doesn't know what you have planned and why, how can she being trying to change it? Is it more that her ideas based on what she does know don't coincide with yours?

If you can, seeing a relationship and sex therapist may be very helpful. Even if your wife won't go, they may be able to offer some approaches you can take.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I wanted it to be an intimate weekend for the two of us before booking the cabin.

All she had were hints of an intimate weekend

We went to dinner and a concert the other night, we had a great time. We talked, drank wine and spent the evenings together this past weekend and had a nice time, but no intimacy at all.

The word Intimacy, to a woman perimenopausal is SEX, a weekend alone, no one else, just us two, itimate, means 48hrs, of possibly a frightening thing for her, as she wants to but can't bring herself to do it.

Yet, you went out and had a great time the other night...That is a good sign and a start, ..

I don't know I liken things to like riding a bike....

And, timing...I know you've had enough but no words is better than advanced warnings...

To get something is to give without expectations....

Obviously she felt there were expectations, a planned trip that involved "sex", planned....

I know that is not what you meant (don't get mad with me) ... but intimacy comes in simple things too like the dinner you had, laughs, sharing, a kiss, a hug, with no expectations makes a woman feel so loved where she wants to give....

Just a thought...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Loosing loved ones, is intimacy that being, a bond, love that has now gone, you could be right that she doesn't want to be intimate in fear.

But, I am only suggesting that go, without physical, go with mental intimacy, hugs, holding, smiles, laughter, fun and let things go naturally if they do and if they don't then keep going with the above, and see if they do, without expectations....It may be the bond she needs to get back, and just feeling loved without someone wanting anything else from her, for now.

I say go..........with the above thoughts.

[caster]

If she doesn't know what you have planned and why, how can she being trying to change it? Is it more that her ideas based on what she does know don't coincide with yours?

She's trying to make it the same as all our weekend getaways instead of letting me plan something special and just going with it. We usually do have sex during our getaways, so that's not the issue. Spending time with her is what's important to me. She knows nothing of the toys and such I had planned to take. She'd quit using her old ones, I thought some new ones might help, they usually do for a short while.
And the cabin is very quaint and a romantic setting, perfect for intimacy, be it talking all weekend or sex all day. Either works for me, but not hitting the stores, dinners and eating out. That's protecting her from being intimate by keeping us apart.

Also; her lack of libido goes back long before any hints of menopause, but since last year it's fell off completely so I don't think it's totally that.
She is past the hot flashes now and hasn't had a period in a couple of years.

A therapist would be a huge undertaking to get her to one, but she has hinted about it.

[Ashlee T.]

I think there are times in any relationship where sexual incompatibilities arise. CW is right, if she's premenopausal, sex is probably the very last thing on her mind. Not because she's not a sexual person, but because the hormones in her body at the levels they are, just take away the urge. I'm 27, and I have experienced a TOTAL lack of sex drive due to hormonal birth control. It was a horrible thing for me and for my significant other. I kept thinking something MUST be wrong with me, because surely a pill couldn't have THAT much control. But it did, I proved that when I went off of it. Not making excuses and saying she is right or she is wrong....but I am saying consider the possibilities here, especially if this is behavior she has not always exhibited.

IF she has always been this way, (aside from initial dating, infatuation, etc) consider that you two are sexually incompatible. You are as incompatible with her as she is with you. You want things a certain way, so does she. They happen to be two totally different ways. She wants you to be sexually pleased, but she just doesn't consider intimacy to be what YOU consider intimacy to be.

Your trip sounded dreamy to many of us. But in your relationship, it seemed to be much more of what you wanted instead of what she wanted. There's nothing wrong with what you want, but planning a weekend away for both of you should be about what both of you want. You've been married long enough to know what she wants and what she doesn't, so don't set yourself up for disappointment by planning a weekend away for both of you and setting it up to where it's about what YOU want and what makes you happy. I'm not intending to make you sound selfish, so please don't take it that way. I'm just trying to point out that you may not be thinking of it from that angle. You sounded really angry in your post today, angry and disappointed at something that hasn't even happened yet. Maybe this is really just a sign that you need to revamp your weekend plans a bit. Allow some time for the things she enjoys and values, and allow some time for the things you enjoy and value.

[Ashlee T.]

Oh...and PS. What you said about losing loved ones could be a distinct possibility. For several years after my father died, I had NO desire to hug or be affectionate with my mom, or with much of anyone else I was close to. I cringed when it would happen. For me that passed when I realized why I was doing it. Sometimes defense mechanisms set in to deal with the way we hurt and grieve. Again, no idea if that's the case here, just throwing it out there.

[caster]

Hmmm, let me see. Change the plans I thought she would like to something I think she'll like?

Sorry to be sarcastic but that's what it strikes me as.
No offense intended, I actually thought it was funny.

Yeah I was ****ed earlier, men get that way same as women do. But I'd never let her know, that's the good thing about forums. A good place to vent and discuss. Only problem is getting your point across by typing instead of talking, it's difficult to show the true intent reading it instead of hearing it.

[Ashlee T.]

she finds a way to take it all back because sex and intimacy isn't that important to her

Sex and what you define as intimacy isn't important to her. Sex and what you define as intimacy is important to you. The weekend you had planned and what you described to us focused on sex and intimacy.

she doesn't know how to correct her lack of desire for intimacy, and she doesn't care since it's not important to her.

Again, you're telling us she doesn't desire the kind of intimacy you desire.

Change the plans I thought she would like to something I think she'll like?

So how did you think a weekend focused on sex and intimacy is what she'd want? You've said over and over in this thread that she places no importance on those things. You knew she'd try to change the plans into something she'd enjoy more and I believe that's why you wanted this all to be more a secret from her. Perhaps you thought once you got her there, in the element you wanted, she'd like it and then you two would see eye to eye. It seems you didn't want her to know what you had planned, because you knew she wouldn't want that, you knew she'd start trying to change things....as it seems she's already started doing. And that's where my last post comes into play, perhaps you could compromise. Part of the time cooking in, relaxing, talking, sex, intimacy and part of the time getting fixed up, going out somewhere nice to eat, etc.

[stressed]

What discouraged me the most about you relationship were the following lines:

- "she has no idea I'm ****ed, nor will she"

- "We're a fairly happy couple and never argue or fight, but we're without the intimacy we need to survive".

- "Yeah I was ****ed earlier, men get that way same as women do. But I'd never let her know, that's the good thing about forums. A good place to vent and discuss"

You don't communicate. You're annoyed but don't tell her. There are clearly issues she's concerned with, probably related to family loss, she may not be communicating either. Arguing is part of intimacy, of understanding each other, learning what the other wants and looks forward to. Keeping your disappointment, needs and wishes to yourself is not going to make you happier, you can't get your point across with hints.

Of course you definitely know your wife and your relationship better than we do, but there's usually something serious going on among couples who never argue. It may be fear, settlement, ignorance, something else. In your case it seems to be because, at least from your end, you don't express your feelings (this time it was disappointment and anger) even if you are after intimacy and "getting together". It's hard to enjoy a weekend with someone when you have negative feelings and thoughts kept to yourself, no matter how well you plan it and no matter how much she'd enjoy it.