[Ashlee T.]

I've always heard the stereotypes that "men are solvers", "men will always look for a solution". And I've always heard it said that sometimes women get upset because their men aren't compassionate enough, when in reality the man is just trying to FIX whatever is wrong. I do this. But I'm a woman. There are many areas of my life in which I simply listen, do not offer advice, just lend a kind ear. But then there are other areas in which I find it difficult.

My relationships with men are one area. If your knee chronically hurts, you take meds and it doesn't help, it's interfering with your day to day activities, I'm going to tell you to go to the doctor. Yes, I'm speaking of my current relationship. That scenario actually happened. He finally did go to the doctor, who told him he had arthritis and it wasn't advanced enough for surgery so there wasn't much that could be done. His knee hasn't bothered him since.

I posted previously about his circulation issues. He says they are caused from an old injury, but based on what he told me of this old injury and what the doctor told him, it doesn't add up. He wore a tshirt to my house Saturday night, and before dark we were sitting outside. It was cool, not cold...but yeah, if I had on a tshirt Id have probably been chilled. He starts clenching his fist talking about how his hand has gone numb and ice cold. But only in one hand. He ALWAYS brings it to my attention when this happens to him. And since he says he knows the cause of it and it can't be helped, I've gotten to the point I just say nothing. But it agitates me. He's 30. Not 85.

His back hurts. Every time he does something physical like play basketball, the next day his back hurts. I know from experience back pain SUCKS...so every time he has brought this up, I have said "perhaps you should go to a chiropractor, mine worked wonders for me.". He gives the ole "Yeah I probably should"...then time passes and nothing. Then again, his back hurts.....I suggest again. Finally, he called and made an appointment for Friday. They had an opening on Wed but he said he could not miss a meeting that had already been scheduled.

I've suggested changes in his diet. I've suggested taking vitamins. I've suggested weight training (other than occasional bball and some sit ups and home he doesn't work out) to try to strengthen some of those areas that cause him so much trouble. He has not taken any of those suggestions.

The scenario is similar when it comes to his job. He vents, I listen. I vent, he listens. That's fine. But there are times when he vents repeatedly about the same thing, and I get tired of "listening" because I know there's a way he could change the situation but builds these "I can't do that" walls. Him: "I want to take off Friday but I can't".
Me: "Why?"
Him:"Someone scheduled a meeting."
Me:"People miss meetings all the time".
Him: "I can't miss it, it will put me behind".
Me: "Ok...darn that stinks, well maybe you could take off Thursday and watch the games instead?"
Him: "But I wanted to be off on Friday. "
Me: "Hmmm"

Lol

The thing is, I want to fix things. I don't want anyone to hurt. But I don't want to hear about it constantly when you're doing ZERO to change it. And I've honestly gotten to the point with him that I do not know at all when to take something seriously and when to take it as dramatic whining over something that wouldn't even phase me. Sort of like the little boy who cried wolf.

I'm a solver. I don't like to waste time wallowing......I want to fix it. I don't mean for it to cause me to come off as a non compassionate person, because I'm far from that. Can anyone relate?!?!

[Guest]

OMG can I relate!

Especially the part about repeat whinning.... Whine, that's fine, whine again, okay too. Ask for or get my thoughts on whatever it is that you're still whinning about...either follow through or shut up already! It makes me crazy!

I also have similar feelings about other things....like whether or not I'd be whinning about the same thing IF I were in her shoes....all things being equal.

There are things your BF can do to help relieve his back pain....like yoga type stretches. Have you considered exercising together? Takin a class together? I'm sure you have BD but I thought I'd ask anyway....

[stressed]

Oh I relate 100%. My ex was the same with his back pains (which cannot be explained by doctors, yet he complained as if it was the end of the world), his asthma, his "demanding physical job" (even when they had a woman working there doing the same things), his leg pain -circulation related as well-, his dizziness occurrences, his workmates, his diet, his weight gain and lots lots more... and what did he do about it? Nothing but complain to me and even get annoyed at me when I started complaining about his whining, telling him I'm not his mother and if he has health issues he should go to a doctor, not whine about everything to me. And he was 34-37 not 80. I got so tired of it!

Exactly, when one gets cold he puts on something. Doesn't freeze and say "I'm cold, I have a problem, but it's ok". At this rate your b/f will start making you feel like you're his 'mom' and he'll even enjoy it because somebody cares. And this causes other troubles, like him not helping around, being lazy, not showing up, not taking time off work for you but will do for other reasons....

I'm worried....

-More in PM later in the day-

[Ashlee T.]

Seeker - Actually we haven't talked about working out together. I'd love it if he would, but I go right after I get off work or shortly after so that I can get home , take care of the dog and study, and he doesn't leave work until usually around 5 (even though he COULD leave at the same time I do....).

He messaged me yesterday right before I left work and said he was leaving and going to the doc to get some pain pills cause he just couldn't take it. I said "Pain pills??" and he said "I can't even sit down!!".....which was obviously an exxageration as he was clearly sitting to type to me. So I told him I had some "non-narcotic" pain pills (similar to Skelaxin (sp??) that he could take a few of to get him through until his chiro appt Friday. When he stopped by to get them, I had him lay down in the floor on his back and do some very mild stretches. He said it felt good while he was doing it, but didn't help once he stopped. It's like I said, back pain SUCKS...I know that, but when someone has always got an ache or a pain it's hard to know when to take it seriously and when to chalk it up to him being a drama queen.

Stressed - In his defense, most of the time these "ailments" don't keep him from being around, he comes around, I just have to hear about it. We all get sick (I'm still battling this sore throat thing), but some are just more silent about it than others I suppose. It's just frustrating. You're exactly right. If you're sick, I will take the best of care of you...wait on you hand and foot, feed you ice cream, rub your head....whatever makes you feel better. But that's so hard to do when it's always something. And I do believe his mother played a big role in that. He has even said "She probably ruined me" because she freaked out everytime he got hurt, and gave him so much attention over it. I expect he finds comfort in someone worrying about him as a result. I try to make a joke of it rather than visibly get frustrated, though there has been a time or two I have gotten frustrated (one night when his nose was stopped up and it was as if he was being tortured with hot nails or something lol).

Right now I guess there's nothing I can do. His appt is on Friday, and he'll go and get xrays then tell me what the chiro says. But he miscommunicates those things, which makes it even more difficult. He told me the ortho (about is knee) "says he needs surgery but is too young to get it". I questioned that, and what the doctor REALLY said was "it's arthritis, most likely it will advance and may require surgery when you're in your late 40's or 50's, but does not require surgery now". To me, that's very different than "I need surgery but can't get it".

FLUSTERED. ...........yet still smiling.

[pretzel]

Sorry BD, but I think we all know someone like this. It's a very subtle way of saying "Feel sorry for me, give me sympathy, give me attention." It may or may not be conscious, but it's real, and yes, very very annoying. And, truth be told, it's always the little things that are just so irritating.

As for the arthritis, yeah it's annoying and yeah it's very uncomfortable. I already know how bad mine is, yes, I'll have to have my knees replaced at some point in my life, yes, my fingers don't work as well, yes the joints get sore, tight, flare up on occaisons. Arthiritis is hereditary (as well as diet influenced) and the history of my family, I know what's coming down the road. But that 25-30 years down the road, so it is what it is, and I may complain about it a little, but that's it.

Honestly, and I do apologize, but I had to chuckle a little about your bf's position on taking off Friday because he wanted to attend that meeting. He'll learn (in about another 15 years) that as he gets higher on the food chain, meetings take on new meanings. I remember when I was that young, there wasn't a meeting I was invited to that I didn't attend, no matter how mundane or unneccessary it was. I wanted to make an impression and didn't want to miss anything. Some lessons (like picking and choosing what meeting to attend) have to be learned the hard way. Lifes little lesson.

[Ashlee T.]

Pretzel - Yeah he def fits that category. I'm in meetings all the time and there is always someone missing. Big deal. I told him yesterday, there are plenty of people in his department that could sit in on a meeting for him in his absence. My point was, "if it hurts THAT bad, you're not going to delay your chiro appt 2 more days because of a meeting!". And by the way he acted yesterday when he came to my house to get those pills, it hurts THAT bad. He literally made a production of getting up and down off the couch. hehe.

I think there are just some people that enjoy complaining. They don't want a solution. My associate is somewhat like this. I just sent her home this morning because she's visibly sick. None of the rest of us want those germs, we have enough of our own. She calls in sick ALL the time when she's not really sick, but comes to work moping around, whining, pitiful when she's truly sick. lol. Go figure.

[pretzel]

He really doesn't want to go to the chiropractor. No matter what he says to you about wanting to go, he's looking for excuses that'll fly with you. We both know that.

[Ashlee T.]

We both know that.

Maybe. It's not that I think he's faking it. I do believe he is hurting. It's the frustration of never knowing when to take it seriously, when to feel sympathetic and "baby" him a bit, and when to blow it off. He said this morning he was no better, then a few min ago said he had an icy hot patch on his back and had taken some of the pills I gave him and felt some better. Then he said "I have a basketball game tonight. I'm gonna go shoot around a little bit but probably won't be able to play" (he plays intramural bball) I didn't say anything but I'm thinking "okay...you're telling me you physically can't sit down cause you hurt so bad, yet you're going to shoot around at basketball tonight??" Hmmm. Ok.

Like I said, he's like the little boy who cried wolf. And me, being a solver, could drive myself bonkers with this.

[pretzel]

Like I said, he's like the little boy who cried wolf. And me, being a solver, could drive myself bonkers with this.

Which is exactly what you're doing to yourself.

And, believe me, I don't doubt that he is hurting. I used to be the same way, I'd play no matter what hurt. I'd still do it if I could, but reality bites and I can't do alot of the things I used to do.

[Ashlee T.]

And, believe me, I don't doubt that he is hurting. I used to be the same way, I'd play no matter what hurt.

But see....if you're crying and sniffling over how bad you hurt, saying you need pain meds just to get by the next few days, telling me that nothing helps............THEN go play basketball.....you SORTA lose some credibility in my eyes. lol