[pretzel]

I think we all can be babies when we're really sick or hurt. But isn't there like a maximum amt of times you get to be a baby per month or something?!!?

Oh I don't know. Sometimes it's 28 days, sometimes 30, and sometimes 31.

Seriously though. I don't know what your tolerence level is compared to his baby level. That's something that I'll never be able to answer not only for myself nor for anyone else. It just seems like his level is more than yours and it's very confusing and frustrating because you end up not knowing. That's something that as the relationship continues and strengthens, can either get worse or better depending on his personality. Right now, given that the two of you are only about 6 months in I'd hate to try to extrapolate this as the two of you get closer.

[BabyGirl]

B.D..... I can tell this is really bugging you, you seem at your wits end and torn between the feelings of " I've had enough of this whining and ****in & moaning"
and the "I Empathize and Sympathize with your pain ."

Like you, your man and many others.... I have also struggled with back pain, mine due to Sciatic Nerve Damage,a decade plus ago. It hurt to sit, to lay, to walk. No way could I have played Basketball, I couldn't even vacuum or mop my own floors. I seriously, for the first month, had to either crawl of be carried to the bathroom.

Yes, I suppose I played the " Hurt" card a week or two longer than I should have, though I played it with myself and Dr's more than others.

After my Orthopedic told me there was nothing else that He could do other than surgery, ( this was 6 months into the injury ). I said F* No. No one is cutting my back open, especially with a chance of being in a Wheelchair if all didn't go well.

He suggested, Physical Therapy,Chiropractic Therapy. Muscle relaxers and Non Narcotic Pain relievers and a Daily home routine of stretches, exercise, heat and cold therapy.

This was Non evasive, non jarring to body, gentle exercises, that would help keep things limber and help heal muscles and Nerve pressure and the tissues around the sciatic that were damaged.

Was it Painful ? Heck Yes, but just the thought of possibly being in a wheel chair and having to depend on others for most things for the rest of my life, was enough for me to start helping myself.

My oldest daughter at the time, then 20, asked if she should train to be a Nurse so she could take care of me ?
My Younger's would ask if they could push me in my wheelchair when I had to be in it to get around. or could I get one that was motorized so they could " Go Cart " Race when I wasn't using it .lol

I was 45 then. It took almost a year to be " Better " to function on my own and to rarely need help. I stopped complaining that I Hurt when I did this or that.
I just pushed myself and endured the pain and worked the muscles and eventually...
I am at what I am now, function-able, Employed. I can Walk without Severe pain, I can Climb stairs, Do chores, I know what my limits are that cause me pain, and Avoid them.

But when I say I cannot do something, to them or anyone, it is not in a Whiny way. It is My Body cannot do that without Pain or possible harm to myself. And that is when My " Tribe" comes to Help,. They Offer, they know my limits, they can see when I'm hurting and they Empathize and Sympathize.

With your Man, you may need to be like my Daughter. Offer to take classes or study for Nursing and " Elderly Care " .. Lol .

That's what did it for me, and thankfully my Dr. was in tune with my Daughter. He Knew how to get me to help myself, work harder on my progress, he knew my fears of Surgery and being Wheelchair bound. I think after the 6 months, they conspired together.. And that is a Good thing.

But Seriously B.D.

Can you see yourself as a Nursemaid Wife taking care of a Man you Love, for the rest of his life , whilst you are both still young enough to play basketball together or go running on a beach at sunset ?

Ask him, gently , of course." Honey, Do you want me to push your wheelchair down the aisle, should we decide to marry ?"
Luckily we did not have the Internet abilities we now have.. I am sure my kids would have been googling and Picking out Wheelchair / Scooters in their Favorite Colors. Lmao

By the Way, I still do Not vacuum or Mop floors.. They won't let me. When I try, it puts alot of pressure on that healed ( mostly ) nerve.
And I either burn the Belt of the Vacuum, trying to avoid a certain pressure movement . Stinky smells of burning rubber
Or I have to mop sitting on the Floor with a Brush and Bucket. And to them,
( Tribe) it is Degrading to see their Mom, scrubbing floors like Cinderella .. And then Getting No Dinner Cooked by Mama, because she's laying in her water-bed to ease the pain.

With Your Man, Love him with all parts of you. Mother, Wife, Nurse and Counselor. Be loving and Consistent and when it comes to making love ( sex) Just explain that you really would hate to cause his Pain to be more Intense than it is now, and maybe when he's better.......

[Ashlee T.]

Offer to take classes or study for Nursing and " Elderly Care " .. Lol

Lol!!!! Not a chance in HAITIS!!!

Just explain that you really would hate to cause his Pain to be more Intense than it is now, and maybe when he's better.......

Are you suggesting as I sex as a weapon? If so, I like the way you think. HEHEHE.

torn between the feelings of " I've had enough of this whining and ****in & moaning"
and the "I Empathize and Sympathize with your pain ."

Yeah that's the hard part. We're dating, we don't live together, we're not together every day, I don't go to Dr's appts with him, so I truly have little influence over how he handles these things........I just get to hear about it.

So far today he's only mentioned his back once. I think he knows to tread lightly with the complaining since he did play a basketball game last night.

As I've replied to you all....I've uncovered some things about myself in this situation. Yes, most certainly there constantly being something wrong with him is annoying and frustrating, and never knowing whether to take it seriously or not is frustrating too..... but another aspect of this is that when I'm with a man I long to feel protected, safe, secure, etc. That doesn't mean I want a tough guy that never feels pain or sheds a tear. But I certainly don't want to feel like my 6'3" guy is more fragile and delicate than me. I think that's playing a big part in my aggravation with this....whether right or wrong.

[WildChild]

I feel your frustration.
In some ways I think men are more health sensitive than women on average. Some of them may get their adrenaline up and be willing to charge into the burning building and risk their lives but in the general day to day they can be real babies. They seem to get really down when they are sick. I've never had anyone take care of me when I was sick or injured - not as an adult. I've drug myself up out of my sick bed to cook meals, do laundry, deal with what needed to be dealt with. At one point I was too sick to care for my young children so one of my sisters took them for a few days. I crawled to the bathroom on my own and didn't get much to eat.

I've nursed various men in my life, waited on them hand and foot. Not once has one brought me as much as a cup of soup, they might have picked up a prescription upon occasion or made the extreme sacrifice of saying, "dont worry about cooking tonight, I'll just get something for myself on the way home from work" - gee thanks. I saw my last husband through some awful stuff, he did really go through the wringer, but so did everyone around him. In the end after all the doctor visits, the being in surgery waiting room, monitoring his post op care over and over, giving meds, setting up IVs, cleaning up vomit and never mind, the list goes on and on, I was told that I hadn't done enough.

These days I'll be empathetic and supportive but I have learned finally to set limits, to say it's your body, its your lifestyle choices, what do you plan to do to change your situation? The man I'm seeing currently can be delightful but he is his own worst enemy in health. He's a heavy smoker (with asthma) has been a very heavy drinker and still drinks beer (and gets drunk occasionally) he's not a couch potato but has a back injury and isn't as active as he used to be and has gained weight, he eats fried foods and refined flour baked goods. He needs surgery, he will end up paralized eventually without it but he has to quit smoking, drinking and lose wieght before the doctor will schedule it. I've told him I will support him in doing that but its his choice ultimately. I care about him but have no intension of becoming his care giver. On his plus side he gave up pain meds because they interfered with his sexual responses, I know what motivates him. LOL.

The older you get the more real this issue becomes. A partner who will not act positively in behalf of their own health and well being is far more likely to need extensive care at some point in time. In my 50s I see it more pronouncedly. At my last HS reunion there were people I went to school with who were in fabulous shape, still jumping out of helicopters to ski and doing cross country bike rides and then there some that looked and moved like 90 year olds in poor health. There were some who have genuine health issues but most were lifestyle choices.

The point is you have to decide how much of this you can handle and understand that if you stay with him, his lifesyle choices and patterns of dealing with health issues will affect you. I would say, poor baby, take care of yourself, I'm going hiking, wish you could come along and go. Don't limit yourself because of his stuff.

What's the saying? When the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change...
He'll deal with it when he is ready. If he chooses to just live with it then you have your answer about him.

[Ashlee T.]

On his plus side he gave up pain meds because they interfered with his sexual responses, I know what motivates him.

Haha!! It's about dern time you gotcha a man that is sexually motivated!!

What you're saying is very spot on. His issues always end up being minimal but he makes a big deal of them while they're going on. Alot of it seems mental. You know how when something hurts, if you let yourself spend too much time dwelling on it, it hurts even worse? I think he does that. And then he's so use to having his mom dwell on it too and since she's 2 hours away, and I"m here....he is depending on me to fret over him too. But I don't want to see him as a fragile baby...I want to see him as a strong man. Eventually I'll have to make the determination which of those two things he is.

[BabyGirl]

Are you suggesting as I sex as a weapon? If so, I like the way you think. HEHEHE.

Ummm, lets just say that you can try to help him do something about his pain and have him learn the "Benefits" of seeking a solution to his pain.


A Simple way for you to help is when he comes over all complaining is if he's playing the " Baby Me " card, is to sweetly empathize.
Is to *sigh* and tell him " Dang, there goes my Feeling Frisky tonight"

If he asks what you're talking about ?

Just tell him that Every time he mentions his pain, it reminds you that you and him making love, could increase his pain. After all sex is a vigorous activity one in which he will have to use that hurt back and injured knee.

And because you love him so much, there is no way you can add causes to his injuries. When he feels better and his pain in under control, then you are willing to engage in some Frisky Business.

Hopefully it will dawn on him to seek help from a Dr or Dr's, Physical Therapy and other means to control the pain, so he can have a satisfying and active Love Life.

[Ashlee T.]

LOL! You crack me up. Brilliant! Funny thing, after I posted the other day, it's like he hasn't mentioned his back since until I asked him about how he was doing last night. hehe. Maybe he's got a tracker on my pc and watches what I post. haha. He's at the chiro this morning as we speak. I told him yesterday that I would like for him to go to hot yoga with me one day soon. He said he would but that he "can't" do yoga. I said "well, if you "can't" then that's all the more reason to go...just means you NEED to do it even more. Plus, it's hot yoga and it's EXHAUSTING so I think it will be good for him. I put him to the mat so to speak and said "how about next week" and he said "we'll see how my back feels". haha.

[BabyGirl]

Lmao,
Well I'd try wearing something a Bit Sexy.. And tell him it's his to take off but only after some Hot Yoga to stretch out those Muscles he will need when " Frisky Time " comes around .. lol

[Ashlee T.]

teehehe. That might be punishment for me....though a bit of sweat is sexy, hot yoga takes sweating to the extreme. I walk out of there soaked from head to toe literally. I think I would demand a shower first.

[Ashlee T.]

So he just sent me a chat at work to tell me how his appt went. He went to my chiropractor whom helped me tremendously and I highly recommended. Anyways, I said "so...how'd it go?" he said "Pretty good I guess. Still hurts but I think it's going to get better. He couldn't get my lower back to pop". And I said "what did he say about your xrays?" He said "No xrays. I told him what my last chiro said and he said we wouldn't do any xrays right now". I found that very odd, considering it's been 4 years since he last went to a chiropractor and when I went, there was no question as to whether or not I'd be getting an xray. So I said "So what did your last chiro say was wrong with your back?" he said "lumbar issues, things getting pinched when I move a certain way, and scoliosis". Ummmmm........"Scoliosis?" He says "Yeah, my lower back curves to the side". I said "You've never mentioned this, in all this time of complaining about your back. " and he said "Well I don't know that I really have it, he said I might have it." WTH!?!?! In my mind I'm going "two seconds ago, you told me you have scoliosis. Now you're saying you might not have it". Okay, scoliosis when its severe enough causes people to not be able to walk (my neighbor has it badly)...and a doctor tells you you "might" have it, 4 years pass, and you say you still "might" have it? Geez. The other two things he mentioned "lumbar issues and things getting pinched when I move certain ways" is not all that uncommon. LOTS of people have lower back issues. Scoliosis is a different story. But does he have it? Who knows. It's sort of like when he said he has "sympathetic nerve disorder" and argued with me when I asked "which one?" because he doesn't know. Most likely, because he doesn't have one. A doctor threw out the term at some point I'm sure in discussion and he took it as a diagnosis.

Gosh. So now, he's 30, and according to him he has sympathetic nerve disorder (though he doesn't know which one), advanced arthritis, and scoliosis. Hmmmm.