[Branwen]

Hi,
I need help on this one: I dated a guy with whom i thought in January we were in a committed relationship, but when I left his country with the promise to finish my stuff, find a job in his country, etc and then return, I found out that he became detached, cold, never called me back, just wrote to me through facebook, that was his only commitment. I continued calling him, we quarrelled once, reacted in a bad way, he said ot me don't come back i don't want to see you, then we befriended again, by then, just two or three weeks ago I erased him from my Facebook, took away our pictures and his birthday card...well, now I'm going back to where he lives for work, I let him know about this, he seemed happy promised to pick me up at the terminal and gave me some recommendations about finding appartments, well, and then promised me to write back wtih more details.
The thing is : he found a way to write me in Facebook without having to add me as his friend, and when I asked him if I add him on facebook again, he avoided answering the question and said well I'll write back to you. He is not re adding me on facebook. What does this mean? Is he playing a game now? dealing with me "secretely", in the meantime he added two new girls and I don't have a clue what type of relationship he is having with these two girls. He never denied a phonecall or said he was busy or dating a new girl, so I don't know what to think anymore. Is he putting limits on me? hiding me from the rest of his 10 girls who might at some point seen our pictures together and my birthday card and now not anymore? what do you think? I'm kind of ****ed at this issue but I will not question him since I know from the last call he avoids the answer about what is the issue with adding me on facebook.

Many thanks!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What you said.

In-other-words you can see the real picture...

I don't know if this was an internet relationship / long distance and you met for the first time, which it sounds like that, but then you met, and advised you'd pack your things, get a job there and move there...

You don't say that he agreed, couldn't wait and the tell tale signs are he went cold, detached, and is communicating with other girls.

You also say you phoned and phoned, quarreled...

I think the whole thing went too fast and he wasn't ready.... And, maybe he feels bad as well so is just trying to help you settle in over there, but if you had a sexual relationship whilst in his country, then also maybe, he is being sneeky but I am sure you won't fall for that right?

I think you should take things slow with someone and don't continually call them, don't be in-secure, if they can't see you for you and want that, it's there loss right?

If you continually called him, adding you on facebook means you will view his conversations and no doubt, make your comments on his page, that he doesn't want people to see...

If he is communicating behind the walls only, that's a red flag....

Time to move on...

CW

[Branwen]

What you said.

In-other-words you can see the real picture...

I don't know if this was an internet relationship / long distance and you met for the first time, which it sounds like that, but then you met, and advised you'd pack your things, get a job there and move there...

You don't say that he agreed, couldn't wait and the tell tale signs are he went cold, detached, and is communicating with other girls.

You also say you phoned and phoned, quarreled...

I think the whole thing went too fast and he wasn't ready.... And, maybe he feels bad as well so is just trying to help you settle in over there, but if you had a sexual relationship whilst in his country, then also maybe, he is being sneeky but I am sure you won't fall for that right?

I think you should take things slow with someone and don't continually call them, don't be in-secure, if they can't see you for you and want that, it's there loss right?

If you continually called him, adding you on facebook means you will view his conversations and no doubt, make your comments on his page, that he doesn't want people to see...

If he is communicating behind the walls only, that's a red flag....

Time to move on...

CW

Yes we had a full committed relationship back in January in Chile. It went very quick. We met, started dating, lived with him for 10 days, he introduced me to everybody as his official girlfriend we made plans: that I return to my country, finish doing all my stuff and get ready to go back there so that we can live together, have a family, etc. we both cried when we had the talk about separating, he even cried when he said goodbye to me at the terminal.
The situation quicky changed in the distance, he became not so communicative, well he is not much into facebook or chat, or does not make phonecalls, all I know is that he never explained to me what happened why he changed so abruptly. All this time I have been preparing myself to return next month and I 've been making the phonecalls, writing more to him than he wrote to me, when we quarrelled was because I criticized all his uncommitted behavior, and his reaction was (only because I had ****ed him off late at night he said) don't come back find a guy your own age (I'm 7 years older than him only and it does not show, in fact i look younger and he looks older). Well, so now he is ready to pick me up when I arrive there, and at one point he said to me: forget about what happened during the summer, now just focus on finding a job that 's the most important thing. So I know he is not now thinking about me as his girlfriend. But he is willing to help me.
What ****es me off is this Facebook thing. Just now I sent an invitation request to add me and I will keep it there for a while to prove whether he will take it or not, I know he won't probably because I left his profile already and he did not add me. He could have, he had said so but never did. So I've found myself in this situation where I call him, he just writes, and does not add me. So I want to know why he changed like this, what should I do from now on...?? everybody says to me: FORGET HIM MOVE ON, He's a jerk

[Hopeless Dork]

If he's throwing the age thing in your face now, expect more of it in the future. I think he's making a point that he is not as mature as you, regaurdless of looks or appearance. If your whole point of going to his country was to be with him... I'd re-think making that move. He can't even commit to adding you as a friend on facebook and you are planning to uproot your whole life for him? Think about what you are doing... and try to spare yourself further heartbreak as well as stress.

[Branwen]

Many thanks! he said he did it on the phone because he was upset, I had called him at 11 or 12 midnight and he wakes up at 6am...after having sent him like 4 or 5 text messages with criticisms about our relationship...well, he had asked me 3 times!! to bring him an anti age cream now..can you believe that? may be he thinks that since I look younger I know how to take care of myself and he can't understand why i thought he looked around my age (42 against 35...)
he had told me once: focus on your job now if your future is in Santiago or Viña well, but forget about what we talked about in the summer. He is acting as a friend now...at least he reacted and promised to pick me up at the bus terminal but his attitude towards facebook, the phonecalls he never made, writing simple emails with basic stuff (except the last one hoping I was doing well and wishing me good luck on everything...) I am ****ed at all that, and when he says "tomorrow I will write to you" and tomorrow could be 2 to 5 days...so I've decided to take all this move to a neighboring country as a life experience, get a new job (I have one already) meeting new friends, changing the atmosphere and see what happens with this guy but what I'm clear about is that he backed away and did not show the same attitude he had when we were together: planning even a family, having a child together (thank god I did not become pregnant then) working the both of us and living together... yes I'm ****ed at his lack of commitment and changing of mind. I'm sick of that in general with men. I always feel as if they always decide at the last minute (not to commit to me of course)...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Branwell, be careful who you meet over the internet.

At 42, he has not been married before? Has he no children?

People are lonley, and someone pays attention and it's a magical feeling and the next thing you know you are happy, someone is in your life, but then you come to reality, what does / can he know about you in 1 month? You him?

As, I said, then you did the stalking thing Texted him 5 times, at midnight, critisizing him then when he wouldn't answer, you telephoned him...

Is that rational? Or, you saw a dream and when it started to not go that direction (without any honesty on his behalf I will add, without closure) you bombarded him.

That is why men may decide at the last minute to commit to you...It can not happen that easily, take your time, get to know them ,don't wear your heart on your sleave, ask yourself exactly what you are looking for, don't put people down ( the cream was because you said he looks older than you do) that's putting him down, coupled with going nuts over text messages, that is in my opinion why he has cooled it, backed off.

Are you frightened you will not have children? At 42, therefore anyone will do? No, not anyone will do, you need to look at what you are after in life and get to know the person, them you...take your time, if you are meant to have children you will but don't try to find someone for that reason....

CW

[Branwen]

Hi Chandler, many thanks for your time and wise thoughts, it makes me consider things I did wrong and try to be on his side too, I did not meet him over the internet, we met on the street while we were on our way to a pub in Viña on new year's eve, we talked, found ourselves attracted to each other, started dating, finished my tour, then returned just to be with him and start our relationship which through pieces in the distance and internet.

I am 42, he is 35. He is single I'm divorced. We talked about having children, we both liked the idea, I thought after this trip I would become pregnant, thank god it neve happened (for a reason).

that's true, everything happened so quicky in 13 days...but i thought that because of the quality and commitment put back then we were meant for each other and he would be willing to wait for me and continue his commitment, he knew i would have to do the big move not him


the reason for getting angry and bombard him with text messages was because when i realized he became more detached and never answered my email threads and started new emails with a few lines devoid of sentimental content or whether he missed me and when I found out he promised to call and never called and I had to call him well i becamse ****ed at him


I had never articulated directly oh you look older than me! when we discussed our ages i was honest and said I'm 42 and he said oh i thought you were younger and when he said his age I just added I thought we were about the same age...may be he did not like that comment but i never said you look older than me! and now honestly i don't get why he is asking ME to bring him an anti age cream, he can buy it himself right? why is he using me for that purpose?

well, time is going by fast now and men seem to rush away from my life quickly too, it looks like there always somebody better to find around there than me...for some reason, it makes me sad when a guy commits, makes me think we are in love, that he is the love of my life and I am his and then he changes his mind...(despite the fact that I had left some guys too) , but this one has really touched me in this way even in my professional life to make such a big move: try to reside in another country and give a turn to my professional and personal life...the hard part is: he backed away, he seems to be there but well, soon I'll find out if he is really there for me or if he will make it more clearer to me: it was just a summer love that meant nothing to me

CW[/QUOTE]

[Branwen]

*Edit response non helpful*

the other day he wrote to me:" hi I hope you are doing really well, I've been working (this is what he always says he never talks about his private life or emotions or anything else besides working and being tired) ...
I really wish you lots of luck, kisses" so I called him and said I will definitely go to his town in April, so he sounded enthusiastic and said "I will pick you up at the bus station" (twice in two opportunities) and then gave me tips on how to deal with internet rentals and then he promised to write back soon...
so if he werent interested in me why would he still answer the phone, or offer to pick me up, just to be kind to me? friends? even though he does not add me on his facebook now??

I know something smells fishy here...and I know what it is: he does not want a relationship with me now after I left him and started with all these emails and phonecalls and he is probably trying to date or dating somebody else.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay mam

13 days, can you honestly say that equates to love?

You honestly thought upon your return you both would get pregnant in love....after knowing him a couple of months where he never shares his thoughts.... You don't know him sweet, see where I said, you are wanting a baby and falling in love after 13 days in that desire, dream? I am not being nasty honest...but would you marry someone (well you would) but should you marry someone having known him in such a wirl win 13 day relationship? Think carefully.

Why would he be nice now? something smells fishy? You slept together right? He knows how you feel about him, he is playing a card...sex card.

He does want children, he's viewed 42 to be too old, as it isn't as easy having children, he called it quits now he wants sex.

I'm being blunt but wouldn't you prefer that?

But yes, the drama of all those phone calls is your in-security (mean't in the nicest way) it's hard being single at 42 off course you are going to dream your dream....but you can't do that, you will scare them off...

That's the reality.

CW

[Branwen]

well.. he's added me on facebook now...and keeps answering my phonecalls. I decided not to call him again though...I'm heading to his town next month and he knows it. I'm just expecting an email expressing some kind of interest on my arrival or something, otherwise I decided not to depend on him, do my things in the town and leave it up to destiny whether we bump into each other or he writes back...but now I know what type of relationship was or is this: non committed, and I should or we should discuss the situation if appropiate if there is ever another approach between the two of us.
Many thanks again for all your support!!!
but I think men are becoming more and more difficult to deal with these days...it's very psichological, i mean, you need a special psychology to deal with them...