[SaharaJim]

My step-daughter is "complaining" to my wife that I don't like her fiancee. She's absolutely right. I don't. Those who have read my posts before know that I think he is a "slug". He's 30, works part time at a pizza place, and has no intention of even trying to improve his economic status. He is a mooch. She is going to end up pregnant and trying to support him. He has two other children from two other women that he doesn't support. His father will have nothing to do with him. His step-father will have nothing to do with him and now my step-daughter thinks I should "try to like him because he is FAMILY". She went so far as to give us a "Christmas present" of a photo of her and him with the word "family" scrolled on the frame I feel a greater affinity towards the "stray cat" that has moved into our place and is paying for it's keep by eliminating rodents. If I catch it it will get shots a a collar as well- but it isn't friendly. My wife fears that if I "don't try to like him she will lose her daughter". I figure we will gain a daughter and grandchild in a short period of time. He's not "family" in my book....am I wrong?

[jns]

No chance your wife will lose a daughter. There will always be something that needs being paid for, so they will come around to get some help. I don't remember your saying if your stepdaughter has a good job, but many jobs are not stable. However, I don't see how you can win this argument. You can only hope he fails so completely your stepdaughter will see the light without wasting too much of her life.

[Hopeless Dork]

As frustrating as this is... its one of those things that no matter how clear the writing on the wall is to anyone looking in on her situation -- she won't read it. I think some life lessons, as painful as they could potentially be, are forced to run their course with some people while everyone standing by can only hope for the best.

You don't have to take him under your wing as 'family' but you don't have to spit venom in his general direction. Have the heart to heart with the step daughter, voice your concerns, offer your wisdom -- then step back and try as best you can to just be civil about the situation. You don't need to invite him out golfing with you but you also don't need to dis-invite him from things other family members will be bringing their significant others too.

Depending on her age, the more bad you make him out to be... the more she will dig in and try to prove you wrong (at her own peril) so try to be a little more even keel on the situation , else she may stay with him even when she knows the tide has turned for fear of all the "i told you so's" etc.

[caster]

How about talking to him man to man? Tell him that you see the situation this way and would like his opinion. That you'd like to support them as a couple but you need to know where he stands with having no career, two children by two woman, not paying support for them and seem to be working toward #3 with your step daughter.
Depending on his response then you can work with your wife about talking with her daughter about him.
If he's sincere in talking with you, well then you have a choice to make whether you like him or not.

Heck, hide a camera and tape it. If he goes on about you can't do anything about it, blah blah blah... you can show it to her.

[WildChild]

She probably thinks that he has been misunderstood and never really given a chance and she is going to be the great love who will redeem him. This will prove that she is something really special. She may not see it that way to herself but that's probably what is playing in the background. The more you resist, the more she will probably dig her heels in.

You might try being super solicitous of him. "Hi Joe! Great to see you! How have you been? How are Joe jr and little Joeinna? The zoo has a free day coming up, you take them! How's the pizza business going? I've always wondered, is it really true that 5% of people expecting a delivery answer the door naked? I heard on a radio call in show (I really did hear this) that some couple wanting a 3 some got the pizza delivery girl to join in. Have you ever had something like that happen?"

By being "friendly" you just may start to draw out some aspects of him that your step daughter is ignoring. If you want this to be more effective you could pay a few bucks and run a background check on him. Don't use it directly but more obliquely. Say it shows up several DUIs and bad debt and maybe some criminal - a couple of fights or some such thing. Throw in some conversation, really general, about that type of thing. This woman I work with just found out that this guys she was dating... Or relate it to something recent in the news, can you believe how many drunk drivers they been catching, arrests are up X%, I can't believe how utterly careless some people are, endangering the lives of innocent people and children. If someone I knew had a history of that I'd make sure they never drove again - take the keys and turn them in.

Since you wouldn't "know" that bf has any of this, you would be just making conversation. But many times these losers have told their story of how everything was against them to the woman and gotten her feeling sympathetic and protective of his sorry a, she will not have shared this sensitive privileged info with others. That or he won't have told her but there are always hints of it and it may get her wondering and asking questions. You would be just blithely making conversation and trying to "be nice and talk with him".

Men may not do hints but women do. As long as you aren't being mean to him and are "accepting" him, she can be disturbed by it but it isn't your fault.

[SaharaJim]

Thanks for listening to me "vent". My wife is aware of all this and it just is hard for her to listen to any more of it. As for investigating Sluggo- I did that from the beginning. I work in the criminal justice field and it's is a small town we live in. He's not a "criminal" just an extremely lazy "boy" in a man's body. I tried to be his friend but it only made me detest him more. When my daughter moved out here we bought her a small 250 Rebel motorcycle to learn on. She turned out to be a "natural" rider and out grew the small bike in four months. I bought a larger Virago 1100 for her. She was riding with her mother and I when she started dating sluggo. She wanted us to lend him her old 250 rebel; but he is so large that he would look just plain silly on it. Anyway we gave him the motorcycle safty course as a birthday present. I bought and older Maxim 700, that was sound mechanically but pretty ugly cosmetically. I thought he and I could "bond" fixing the machine up. I agreed to sell it to him on payments. He never made even one. I told him he could skip the first one to use the money to title, register and insure the bike. He used the money to "contribute" to the buying of an "engagement ring" that my daughter actually paid for. I doubt he told her where the money came from. He rode the bike all last summer- I ended up paying for his gas and maitenance on the bike. Then when fall came he and daughter announced that he couldn't afford the bike. After almost a month of wrangling I got them to return the title. I have heard from my wife that they are "angry" because I "bought the bike for HIM to ride". Anyway...that was pretty much it- I can be "civil" but more than that I just don;t have in me. We lack half the ingrediants to have a "man to man" conversation. But it helps to spew this out here rather than have my wife feel badly listenng to it. thanks.

[JadedQueen]

It's so hard to sit back and watch a train wreck happening when you feel like there is something you can do to prevent it.... but your step-daughter is of legal age to make her own decisions and with that decision making ability comes responsibility for the choices that we make. As difficult as it will be to do... the only thing you can do is "play nice" with the step-son to be, just basically be cordial towards him and make sure that no matter what you don't put yourself in the position to assist them in any way financially. I know it's difficult seeing your step daughter supporting this man financially but it might be the thing that wakes her up and realize that he's not the one for her OR she may just be able to encourage him to live up to his potential and aspire to do more with his life. One thing I do know... she's going to have to decide for herself that he's not right for her and that may take awhile, be patient, smile and nod so in spite of your dislike for this manchild it won't cause problems with you and your wifes relationship with your daughter.... Look on the bright side... at least he's just lazy and not a criminal, abuser, or molester.

[BabyGirl]

I should probably not say anything .. But being Me .. I just have to .. Lol

Jim.. you say you are in the Criminal Justice Field ? You have found he is not a Criminal, which is awesome.

He has 2 kids he does not Support ? Not sure on your State, But Dead Beat Dads can have their Drivers License Suspended or revoked for Non Payment of Child Support.
Does he have a Drivers License , Is he on Disability, is he on Welfare, these are things you might look into. It will have an Impact on your Daughter ( step or not ) when it comes to her marrying him.

I am saying this because My Daughter ( now 31 ) has been Married almost 9 years to a Man that has 2 kids, they are now, 18 and 15. When her hubby was unemployed or not able to work, My daughter had to pay the Child Support. It was also taken out of Her Income Taxes when she was the Only one Employed.

Granted she does well, around 50 K a year on her own.
They don't have a Home that they are Buying, they rent, He has to pay the Support plus, a portion of their " Expenses" and Medical. Their Credit as Married, show his owed Back support, so does not allow a good enough credit score to buy a home.

My Daughter and hubby have paid for Lawyers, Court and lots of other things. And are still paying. And he does not work or hold a Job as long as My Daughter does, He is in School ( College ) and only does Part Time, Short term work. ** Daughter is paying for his College too . * Sigh *

Just let your Daughter know the " laws and repercussions " in your State. Let her know that once Married, Her Checks and Income tax refunds can be taken or garnished for His Back Child Support, Once they are Married, if they file Joint, the income tax can be Garnished, even Back , as it will be a Joint Debt..

Once they are Married, the Child Support can be Garnished from her Wages , ( Current Child Support only ) from the date of Marriage.

I Love my son in law, but I still recommend they " Divorce or Legally Separate" so my Daughter can keep her Tax returns that she has Earned. But No Way.. And they have no kids together He got Snipped about 10 years ago..


Hmmm.. Maybe you can give Your daughters Fiance an Early Wedding gift , A one trip to Dr. Snip ? Lmao

[SaharaJim]

Thanks..I have talked a length with daughter about the legal ramifications ( I am a practicing attorney) but she doesn't want to hear it. Instead she wants to listen to "thirdhand" advice about the laws in another state. She knows I am right but she just shuts off and chooses to suffer the consequences...."later". I spoke with her again this weekend...we went for a short motorcycle ride and she was willing to talk a little when we got back...but nothing is going to change her mind. She is committed to this course...but at least she know that I AM on her side. I will "help" her no matter what choices she makes.